It’s been a year since parents Adrian Chen and Deb Fung lost their little girl, Tegan, in the rapids of Marian Creek in Fiordland National Park, and they are learning to live with grief.
One year without Tegan’s “cheeky” laugh, her dancing in the living room. One year ago today, since she took that fatal fall.
Ten-year-old Tegan had spent what Fung described as “the perfect day” before she died.
The Australian tourists had booked a Milford cruise with Tegan, her two older brothers, Zac and Luke, and Adrian’s parents and sister.
Fung recalled at the time praying for dolphins, and Tegan’s delight when a pod appeared and swam alongside them.
The next day, the family embarked on a walk along Marian Creek. They weren’t intending to visit the area, but when they drove past, they turned around to take a look. Tegan lost her life that day.
Fung went ahead on the track with the kids - Tegan and her two older brothers, Zac and Luke - while Chen hung back with his sister to help their parents. As he caught up, Fung left him with the kids as she went ahead to another viewing gantry.
“The next thing I knew was Zac came running down saying ‘she’s gone in, she’s gone in’. Then it all went to chaos,” she said.
The kids were perched on a rock near the water, two of them squatting down. He was several metres away, and saw her lose her balance and fall as she stood back up.
“I ran towards the edge to see if I could get to her, she was already a bit too far.”
During the desperate race down the creek, Chen saw Tegan grab hold of a rock and pull herself onto it.
“I thought she was going to make it. Then she couldn’t hold on. She lost her grip and fell.”
Speaking to the Herald from their home in Sydney, Tegan’s parents are a picture of strength and vulnerability. Smiling, while at the same time leaning into the pain they endure every day.
“We still grapple with it every single day, just wondering why, why it was our Tegan, our beautiful little girl,” said Chen.
Since Tegan died, the Chen family has had to navigate many firsts, including their first Christmas without her.
“Tegan loved Christmas. She was always the most excited with the presents and all the different activities around it,” Chen said, smiling.
Birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries. These were all milestones the Chen family lived through.
Fung found herself questioning why, around milestones and anniversaries, people find themselves re-grieving and re-living loss in such a cyclical way.
She put this question to Tegan’s community, their blog called Light & Joy - Our Beloved Tegan.
“Our anniversaries, milestones ... these are all human-made constructs around time; all which give us deeper meaning and sense of the life we live,” she wrote.
Fung reflected on how humans mark time, rather than just exist in it.
“Our birthdays - we celebrate to take stock of our lives; find gratitude in another year lived; in the years we’ve had, in the memories that have been created.”
Throughout the many “firsts” Fung endured, she slowly stopped fearing them.
“I now allow myself to feel it and go there, face it head on, do those firsts,” she said.
“I’ve learnt to not be afraid of pain and not be afraid of the sadness, and then I feel her again and I know she’s there and I feel we’ll be okay.”
Fung said the milestones open up a space for the family to remember Tegan and share their thoughts.
On Christmas Eve, they made a point of visiting Tegan’s grave.
“It was a chance to create a tradition, and create a moment for the boys as well,” Fung said.
They bought takeaways for lunch, and shared memories at her gravesite.
Christmas itself also carried what Chen referred to as a “double meaning”, in the sense that it was their first Christmas without her, but also the 11-month anniversary of her death.
Fung said she allowed herself to grieve that day.
“I felt that truly tangible loss, of ‘where are you this Christmas, it’s not fair' and I sat in that release of emotion … I feel crying is a gift, it allows us to release the pain,” she said.
Fung and Chen both expressed how crying can offer up “precious moments” with their sons, friends and even strangers.
“They allow for a moment of real connection,” Fung said.
Chen agreed, revealing how showing emotion has been a great help in guiding their boys through the grief.
As parents, Fung and Chen have been helping their boys make sense of life, without their sister. Chen said the key for them has been to include her in their conversations.
“We aren’t afraid to go to the places that we went with her, and we try to include her in the sense of saying hey, Tegan would love this and not be afraid to talk about that,” said Chen.
Chen said over time, they have gained some intentionality about “how not to move on”.
“It’s not about moving on, it’s about moving forward with the loss individually and as a family,” he said.
“It’s like having a weighted backpack on, and with time, your body gains resilience, having Tegan’s presence around is similar, we carry her with us, but we also carry the pain of what we’ve lost at the same time,” Chen said.
Fung said a tool for her grieving process is to have tangible reminders of Tegan around the house.
“I’ve put photos of her everywhere, there’s something meaningful about keeping her visually in our midst,” she said.
In addition to the photos, Tegan’s dog Nala and her bird Buddy have been a great comfort to the family.
“There’s these, you know, these living things that she enjoyed that is like this connection to her and so both Buddy and Nala are a great comfort for me,” said Fung.
For Chen, it’s the less tangible things that give him comfort.
“For me my sense of hope and faith, even though it’s a wrestle, has been my comfort,” he said.
Chen’s journey with grief has been somewhat different from the rest of his family. He witnessed what happened. The moment she hit her head, imprinted in his memory.
One thing that has kept him going is hope.
Chen and Fung have been working to create a new future with their boys. A hopeful future shaped by the past, by Tegan and her legacy.
“I find it therapeutic, as hard as it is, to talk about the stories, funny memories whilst also looking forward with hope ... kinda like driving looking in the rear-view mirror,” Chen said.
Tegan was a dancer, gymnast, daring horse rider and hopeful young entrepreneur. She was brave and expressive, Chen said.
“She was always pulling silly expressions and striking poses,” Chen said.
Treasured videos show Tegan performing dances with her loved ones to a crowded room of relatives or friends.
Chen said maintaining their sense of hope for a positive future has been a great guide over the past year. Their Facebook group for Tegan is a testament to this.
“We’ve received messages from people and we love to see other people’s lives changed because of Tegan’s story,” Chen said.
The group is full of friends, family and people from around the world. Many of them, like the Chen family, learning to coexist with grief.
“The page is a reminder that there has been good that has come from this, despite the pain we face, daily,” Chen said.
It has become a part of Tegan’s legacy. A place where her presence is kept alive, but also an outlet for vulnerability, grief and hope.
“Any response or any leaning in from people has definitely brought comfort and brought a sense of value to her life, but also to, obviously, the journey of trying to wrestle with loss and grief, but also, you know, hope,” Fung said.
Chen has started work on a book about Tegan’s legacy, a book about the life she would have led had she lived.
“A chapter for every year of her life, as what it could have been,” he said.
Tegan’s memory is being preserved not only by her father’s writing, but also by the “breadcrumbs” of her soul that she left behind - like the 10-15 songs she had written by herself.
One lyric in particular, Chen found not long after she died.
“It doesn’t matter where you are, as long as you have a friend in your heart. Your love is a piece of me too, so hold me through it, everlasting love,” it reads.
One year on from the day their world changed, the Chen family are learning to live alongside the grief they share.
Tonight, at 7pm Sydney time, candles will be lit for their “little lioness”, Tegan Ariel Chen.
“We want to continue to see her life having impact, this is a hope not just for us, but for others dealing with grief as well, to grasp hold of,” said Chen.
Katie Oliver is a Christchurch-based Multimedia Journalist and breaking news reporter.
Sign up to The Daily H, a free newsletter curated by our editors and delivered straight to your inbox every weekday.
School rankings, property deals, gangs, All Black line-ups, and restaurant reviews.