Willy Trolove: Confusion reigns as election looms on the horizon

The election campaign is in full cry, and if you're anything like me, you will be even more confused about what is going on than when it started. So, in the interests of voter education, electoral clarity and the untrammelled majesty of the democratic process, here follows a glossary that may help you make some sense of the election, but probably won't.

Candidate n. An upstanding citizen who, thanks to a strong sense of civic duty - or because they want free taxi chits - volunteers to make themselves the target of three years of ridicule, abuse and unexpected allegations involving tennis balls.

Debate vb. 1. (archaic) to examine and discuss contrary opinions in a measured, respectful and systematic way

2. (modern) to argue about what the other participants may or may not have done 10 years ago.

Live Studio Audience n.1. A mob of braying donkeys.

2. A flock of gobbling turkeys.

3. A group of randomly selected uncommitted voters who haven't made up their minds about anything except which leader they want to heckle.

Question n. A query asked by an interviewer which doesn't get answered because the candidate would rather talk about something else.

Patronise vb. To give someone the respect they either don't want or don't deserve.

Investment n. Another word for spending. When a candidate says "We are investing more on healthcare" they really mean "We are spending more on healthcare". Candidates prefer not to talk about spending because it reminds the voters that they are the ones who have to pay for it.

Cost n. Another word for saving. When a candidate says "The other party's tax cuts will cost the government $2 billion" this actually means "The other party's tax cuts will save taxpayers $2 billion".

Tax cut n. 1. A small increase in the proportion of your own income that the state, in its boundless generosity, allows you to keep.

2. Something that you don't deserve because you'll only go and spend it.

Spin Doctor n. A clairvoyant who is able to read a candidate's mind and describe their thoughts, even when these contradict what the candidate has just said.

Political Commentator n. A modern fortune teller. Political commentators claim to be able to tell the future by reading various signs that they alone can see. Instead of using crystal balls and tarot cards they rely on polls, worms, coin flips, and rumours they heard in a poorly lit bar from someone called Mike. In order to protect the dark arts of their profession, political commentators are obliged to disagree with each other whenever two or more of them appear on television together.

Party Political Broadcast n. Propaganda that preaches to the converted. There are three types of party political broadcast: the "look how good things are" advertisement (usually favoured by the incumbent government); the "look how bad things are" advertisement (usually favoured by the opposition); and the "look how wonderful I am" advertisement (usually favoured by third parties who need their leader to win their seat and save them from electoral oblivion).

Opinion Poll n. A survey that purports to be an accurate reflection of public opinion on the great political issues of the day, but is really just a haphazard snapshot of how people are feeling when the pollsters ring them halfway through Coronation Street, while they are putting their children to bed, when they are taking a bath, or just as they are paying last month's power bill.

Margin of Error n. The most accurate part of an opinion poll. The Margin of Error is seldom reported because only statisticians know what it means, and it is fair to say that a statistician with a blackboard, a piece of chalk, and a scientific calculator, explaining in a ponderous monologue how the margin of error is calculated, would put just about anyone to slee ... zzzzz.

Decided Voter n. Someone who tells a pollster who they will vote for - even if they haven't decided - just so that the pollster doesn't poll them again every night for the next three weeks.

Undecided Voter n.1. Someone who has decided who they are going to vote for but doesn't want to tell anyone.

2. Someone who has decided who they are not going to vote for but hasn't got any further than that.

3. Someone who has decided to go whitebaiting on Election Day.

Election Day n. The brief period of blissful calm that accompanies those few glorious hours when the election campaign is over and the candidates are quiet, and when the voters convince themselves that they have an important say in how the country will be run for the next three years.

Taxpayer n. The poor benighted sod who, whatever happens on Election Day, ends up paying for it all.