Paul Lewis: Horse has already bolted, Helen

Some years back, on an All Black tour of Japan, a big lock/loose forward by the name of Andy Earl approached the team management at an official function for the All Blacks. Could he take his blazer off because it was hot, asked the man known as 'Wurzel' for his resemblance to the TV scarecrow character?

It was one of those entirely apt nicknames as Earl was a straightforward man of the country on whom formal dress looked about as appropriate as Winnie the Pooh in a whorehouse.

He wore a tie like Helen Clark would wear a sumo wrestler's costume - with extreme difficulty.

No, came the answer. The All Black number ones would remain donned.

The next time I looked at Earl, his blazer had remained on but he had somehow managed to roll up the sleeves of his blazer to bicep level. If you are in any doubt how difficult this is to do, try it.

I was reminded of this incident when Parliament debated the Black Caps tour of Zimbabwe this week. I was struggling to remember anything more ludicrous than a Government, which had the chance to call the tour off, debating a motion to stop the tour after the team had actually left the country.

The scene involving Earl leapt to mind. The sight of a senior All Black making a mute wardrobe protest against unbending officialdom was incongruous but maybe not ludicrous. So I tried again. Nope.

Nothing I could think of was as idiotic as this Labour Government introducing a motion to the House debating a tour which had already started.

Now, some regular readers of this column - I assume there are two or three of you (Hello, Mum...) - may wonder where I am going with this.

I have been a critic of the Zimbabwe tour as it is just plain wrong that our cricket team should be in a situation where they could be used as a tool to uphold Robert Mugabe's dire regime.

I have acknowledged the difficulty of the situation in which New Zealand Cricket, Martin Snedden and the players find themselves and have recommended that the Government call it off and indemnify NZC from any financial fallout.

I remain of this mind. So I could not help my lip curling when the Government - is there an election imminent or something? - chose to debate this issue after the team had left for Namibia and Zimbabwe. This was a cynical attempt to be seen to be doing the right thing while deliberately achieving zero. It'd be a laugh if it wasn't such a waste of taxpayers' money.

So I had a picture in my mind's eye of Helen Clark sitting in Parliament, debating this issue, with the sleeves of her jacket rolled up, doing a Wurzel - a protest which doesn't achieve anything.

At least Andy Earl earned my admiration for completing a difficult task (I tried it myself in the privacy of my hotel room later... couldn't do it.).

However, I can't help a sneaking feeling of relief that the Black Caps have gone. As ever, when talk turns to sporting boycotts, all the old emotionalism returns.

Out of the closet come some of the keep-politics-out-of-sport brigade who have adopted new catch-cries. Now they bang on about 'double standards', 'democracy' and 'where-do-you-draw-the-line?' and other such obfuscations. Translation: We want cricket.

Some of the best huffing and puffing in this regard came from grizzled columnist Garth George of the Herald who, wielding his pen like the Black Knight's sword in that wondrous Monty Python scene, took me to task not only on the issue of Zimbabwe but for some imagined attack on Herald sportswriter Richard Boock.

According to Garth, Boocky: "pragmatic, immensely capable"; me: "emotional, vituperative". Translation: Garth wanted the tour to go ahead.

Once he'd finished unclogging his nose at me and waving his genitals in my aunty's face (Black Knight: Monty Python and the Holy Grail), Garth managed to compare the human rights excesses of Zimbabwe's 'resettlement' campaign - which has seen 700,000 homeless and some dead - to the Government's denial of visas to the Zimbabwe cricket team in New Zealand, threatening our hosting of the World Cup.

This was, he said, "a serious attack on my human rights because it deprives me and tens of thousands of other cricket fans of the opportunity of watching World Cup cricket on our home grounds".

Tell you what, Garth, here's an idea. Put on a blazer and, without removing it, try to roll the sleeves up.

It might take your mind off the tragic awfulness of no cricket. If it works, we might suggest it to the 700,000.

Might take their minds off a few things as well.

- HERALD ON SUNDAY