Jim Hopkins: Vote for the Party Party and frivolity you can trust

Apparently, according to the political scientists, when you've got an MMP system it's the Party Vote that counts.

This may explain the rash of billboards that suddenly blossomed on lawns and verges all over the manor during the weekend. No one knows precisely when it happened but it was obviously a slick operation, probably undertaken while most folk were abed.

Yet, though it was done in the dark, the people doing it most certainly weren't. They knew exactly when to strike, hitting their targets just hours before Monday's big announcement.

Whether this is a case of "insider hoarding" we will never know, although, coincidentally, most of the latest crop were red of hue and elemental of message.

Presumably to save voters the trouble of thinking, many simply consisted of two lines: Party Vote and Labour. For some strange reason, this terse instruction was accompanied by a photograph of someone looking remarkably like Angelina Jolie, who was probably there to add a little allure to the directive.

Naturally, the other parties will retaliate. We can expect National to respond with snaps of George Clooney, and Mel Gibson would be the obvious choice for United Future. Since they've got joint leaders, the Greens will probably go with the Olsen Twins - or maybe a whale - and New Zealand First is likely to plump for glossy shots of, um, Winston Peters, probably.

But such endeavours won't overcome a more fundamental problem. As any hip teenager will tell you, politicians simply don't know how to run a good party. And if you wanted one, they'd be the last people to vote for.

So it was a relief to find one new billboard hidden among the predictable plethora, a billboard erected by a new group, the Party Party, which simply said, Party Vote, Whoopee!! Better still, we can now bring you an exclusive interview with the leader of the Party Party, who's requested that his name be suppressed so everyone thinks he's implicated in the current sin-sational celebrity drugs case:

The Harold: Thank you for agreeing to this interview, Mr [name suppressed]. Let's begin with the obvious question: what are your policies?

Mr Party Party: Have you been reading the paper this week, mate?

The Harold: Of course, it's an essential part ...

Mr Party Party: Well then, you'd know all about those groovy cats at the Weathertight Homes Resolution Service who've started throwing some WINZ-style shindigs. Y'know, kava nights, a cowboys and Indians evening ...

The Harold: Yes, I did see that. It's absolutely shocking.

Mr Party Party: Don't be daft! Wad are ya? A wimped-out wowser? Come on! Lighten up, gutsache. Somebody's gotta get some pleasure out of leaky homes. And it won't be the owners, that's for sure. No way, Jose. So it might as well be bureaucrats.

Better tight than weathertight, that's our motto. We wanna make the whole country one great big, humungous Weathertight Homes Resolution Service, man. Party every night, dude, that's our policy.

The Harold: But what about issues like student loans? For example, do you support scrapping the student loan interest charge?

Mr Party Party: Hell, yeah! Provided they spend it on beer. See, us Party Party animals think it's a good start but it doesn't go far enough. Like, the people who're paying the taxes that'll write off the interest, well, they're still paying interest, y'know, on mortgages and loans and HP and stuff.

That's not cool, ey? She'd be a pretty sad place if it was just accountants and policy analysts having fun, that's for sure. So we want free interest for everyone ...

The Harold: But the country couldn't afford that!

Mr Party Party: Who cares? It's an election, man. Wake up and smell the Nos bottles! Promise now, recant later, that's the name of the game.

The Harold: Alright then, what are you promising?

Mr Party Party: Wow! I thought you'd never ask. Well, for starters, a free barbie in every garage. Free massage oil. Or, better still, free massage!

Free dips and nibbles at work. Five-hour morning teas. Free weekends on the Gold Coast, starting every Monday. Plus no speeding tickets - provided you're going to the footie. And we're gonna turn Lotto into Blotto, so every weekend some lucky Kiwi can get completely written off.

The Harold: It all sounds very frivolous.

Mr Party Party: Of course it's frivolous! It's all frivolous, man. Where've you been for the last decade? What'd ya call waanangas and biennales and NCEA and golden handshakes and all the rest of that malarkey? The difference with us is, the Party Party's offering frivolity you can trust.

The Harold: Will that swing the voters?

Mr Party Party: Hey, if we can't get the voters swinging then we've failed. That's why we're running a full ticket. But no List MPs. The List's too boring, man.

So we're swapping the L for a P. That way, we can go to the people and say, 'This is the only party whose MPs are all throroughly ... '

The Harold: Yes, thank you. We get the point. Although, to be frank, I'm not sure you're correct. However, we'll have to wait and see. Mr [name suppressed], thank you very much.

Mr Party Party: No worries, dude. And remember. Don't Party Vote; Vote Party!!!!