Jim Hopkins: A father’s plea: Come on home son, you and your mates

From: mum&dad@xtra.co.nz
To: jasongee@hotmail.uk
Subject: Good advice

Hi, son. Excuse any spelling mitsakes. My fingers aren't as nibmle as your's and the old brain's not as sharp, either. Your claim to be the only one in the family with a double Major in Cultural Marketing and Geo-Physics will survive long after I'm peacefully tucked away in the Morrinsville Lawn cememtary, that's fore sure.

Still you'll be pleased to hear Mum's following in your footsteps. She's enroled in a Feng Shui for Caravans course at te Wannaga (hope that's how you say it) so we should look quite swish when we meet Murray and Joyyce this Easter at the twilight bowls in Dragaville.

Now, boy, let your old ded tell you something you won't have heard in London, what with all the bombs going off and terrorists gabbering in their gutteral tongues on every street corner, but we want you back here, lad. And your mates. All of you!

According the Harold, "almost a quarter of New Zealand's most highly skilled people have left the country - the biggest exodus of skilled workers from any developed nation."

What's the problem, boy? Things are great here! We've signed Kyoto, there's "free" fruit in schools (bit of a problem with the flu vaccines but we won't worry about that) AND we've got a surplis - although it may not be actual money apparently, but you'd understand that better than I do. The point is, you country needs you to play your part. So come home, son. You certinly won't regret it.

Yrs ... Dad

From: mum&dad@xtra.co.nz
To: jasongee@hotmail.uk
Subject: re-Good advice

What do you mean, No way!!!

From: mum&dad@xtra.co.nz
To: jasongee@hotmail.uk

Subject: News from HOME!!!!

dear jason, apologiies for that rather heated comment on the phone the other night (bet you don't get toll deals that good over there in the hot countries, do you?).

I realsie now I shouldn't have told you what Mr Throbgood said at the Pak 'n' Save while I was getting the things for your food parcel (a country that invented the Pineapple Chunk can't be all bad, eh lad???) Anyway, old Norm might think you're all "brats deserting a sinking ship" but I shouldn't have repeated it. Well, Mum says I shouldn't have, anyway. She said they could hear me next door.

(You wouldn't have the foggiest idea who lives next door, would you? Or what deadly conspiracies they're planning. The world's a dangerous place, laddy. We see that every night on the telly. That's why we do everything we can to ignore it.)

Anyway, son, I'm sorry. You just got under your old Dud's skin with some of those things you said about New Zealand being smug, self-righteous and introverted and the gummint having its finger in everyoine's. pie 24/7.

Yrs ... Dad

PS: Hope the Marmite jars didn't get broken. Or stolen by some of light fingered beuorcrat. At least our civil servants are incorruptible - well, apart from the Immigration Service, Customs and few bad apples in the police. But you get that everywhere, don't you?

PPS: Don't tell you mother I said this (I'll delete this email as soon as I can) but the news about Darryl Tuffey is one in the eye for the Aussies, don't you think? The naughtiest thing old Warnie could manage was a few dodgy txt messages. At least our chaps do it in the flesh, so to speak. And our womenfolk too - when they see Prince Charles. You don't have to go overseas to find a good scandal - we can foot it with the best of them, ehhh boy?

From: mumandad@xtra.co.nz
To: jasongee@hotmail.uk

Subject: More news

hullo, darling. How's that rash between your toes? Yes, it's mum this time. Your father's gone to the Doctor to see if he can get me put on the priority list for the flu vaccines. Evidently, there's a bit of a shortage. Not our fault, of course. I heard that nice Mrs King says the French have accepted complete responsibility. So that's alright.

Darling, what you said about New Zillun not being exciting really upset me. Of course we're exciting. There's a new weatherman on the TV (I'm not sure I like him yet - I think he's part of one of those quota's they have. He does look a bit ... tanned, if you know what I mean). And Kay's doing really well on Breakfast. Every Monday, she and Paul have a nice chat wiith the Prime Minister (whether there's any news or not) and she tells us what to think. So I don't understand what you mean about television playing favourites. We're not Russia, you know. Or the Ivory Coast - promise me you won't go there, darling ...

Love and hugs ... Mum

PS: When are we going to see a photograph of Yasminda? She sounds lovely.

From: mum&dad@xtra.co.nz
To: jasongee@hotmail.uk

Subject: What's your problem???

look boy, you've got me beat. What do mean, kids born in 1984 expect real freedom and choice? I blame that Douglas chappy. He upset a lot of apple carts. laddie, believe me.

As for your point about "NZ being suffocated by a stifling blanket of middle-aged baby boomers who ram their cultural guilt and regurgitated indigenous spirituality down everyone else's throats" well, that's not what we paid for you to go to university to learn.

We wanted you to be part of them, not run away. Besides, you'll be middle-aged one day and let me tell you straight, there isn't a better place to be middle-aged than here, my lad.

It's time you came back and built a house and realised that. (although I wouldn't do it quite yet, what with the interest rates and the high dollar and all.) I'll keep you posted on that front ...

dad.

PS: I think I'll send my next communique snail mail cos we're expecting power cuts. Might write over the weekend when the gridlock's not so bad - see, we are just like the rest of the world, after all!!!!