Greg Dixon's weekend

THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO JOHN

And so it came to pass that Parliament's debating chamber reached such a fervour of ferment this week over the revelations of fallen St John of Tamaki Makaurau that one poor Herald political reporter misheard one of his choicer homilies. "You can still have a professional relationship with a bloke but still think he's a tiger," the fallen saint supposedly told the press in the aftermath of his act of contrition. At least, this is what the innocent ears of reporter Ruth Berry heard Winston Peters quoting him as saying. Turns out what Peters quoted was John of Tamaki Makaurau saying: "You can still have a professional relationship with a bloke but still think he's a tugger." Here endeth the lesson.

A NOT-SO-HARD DAY'S NIGHT

I'd been wondering what the hell Susan Wood does all day for her no doubt substantial salary. A careful reading of her latest approved "interview" with Woman's Day reveals she breezes "into TVNZ's Auckland office at 8.45am ... She quickly checks her emails and chats to colleagues about their weekends ... Having attended to her morning administration, and buzzing with ideas, Susan throws herself on the couch in the office of Close Up's executive producer ... Meeting over and the daily tasks allocated, Susan sorts and delivers the post, along with coffee, to her team ... The morning is spent answering letters and emails, then there's a well-deserved midday break. 'Nine am to 8pm is a hellishly long day so I try to disappear for a couple of hours ... Some days I go to the gym, other days I'll go and do food shopping ... or pick up the dry-cleaning." Susan's back in the office by 2.30pm for a full programme of make-up and recording promos for the evening's show. ... It's 4pm, make-up in place, Susan races into a recording studio to make Close Up [radio] promos ... [and] has them in the bag in under three minutes ... 'By 5pm there might be an interview to pre-record, or I'll do background reading for a live interview ... ' Before the show, Paul Patrick and Susan bash out questions for the live interview ... At 7pm, Susan clears her throat and stares down the barrel of the camera. She's away ... "

By my rough estimation then: Checking and answering emails, three hours. Delivering coffee and mail, 15 minutes. Lunch and shopping, two and a half hours. Make-up, 30 minutes plus. Actual on-air time, 22 minutes plus promos.

REASONS HELEN CLARK SHOULD BE POPE

* She passionately believes in the Holy Trinity: Helen Clark, Heather Simpson and Judith Tizard.
* Celibacy won't be an issue.
* She knows the last pontiff's distant relative, David Benson-Pope.
* Tizard would look better in a nun's habit.
* Clark will be near her favourite Swiss Alps ski fields.
* Her office is like a bishopric, with no bishops in it.
* Her ability to survive in the polls despite having Brian Edwards as her media adviser proves she's capable of miracles.
* Everyone knows the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel would look better with her signature on it.
* She offered to turn wine into water at Mark Peck's farewell and water into wine during John Tamihere's working lunches.


(source: St Molesworth weblog)