If she sewed her pyjama buttons together, a rural Whanganui teenager hoped Wytse De Vries wouldn't come into her bedroom at night and undress her.
That was what she wrote in her diary after allegedly being sexually violated by him in 2009, a jury of five men and seven women heard in a trial in the Whanganui District Court on Wednesday.
De Vries admits to indecently touching her between the legs at least "half a dozen times", as well as touching her breasts, his lawyer says, but has pleaded not guilty to two counts of sexual violation and four counts of indecently assaulting her and another girl when they were aged 12-16.
He pleaded guilty in 2014 to a representative charge of touching the current complainant's breasts.
"Now for the most serious thing, which has been bothering me all day," the complainant wrote in her diary in May 2009.
"It relates to my purity, which no longer exists. I don't really want to write about it, but I shall - I must.
"I woke up last night and [De Vries] was touching me, not skin on skin, but I can't write it. First he started undoing my shirt . . . then he started kissing me in a less than decent manner."
She said she was going to sew the pyjama buttons together "to see if that helps".
The girl was 15 when she wrote the diary entry.
Defence lawyer Fergus Steedman said De Vries acknowledged he'd touched the complainant between the legs when she might have been asleep.
"His evidence will be, and this doesn't help his position at all, but he says it's the truth, that he touched you between the legs more than half a dozen times."
The complainant only recalls two occasions.
De Vries says the touching between the legs began at a later time than the complainant says, and also rejects allegations he would kiss the complainant on the lips and breasts.
The complainant revealed the alleged abuse to her pastor in a letter she wrote in 2014.
She said the touching sent her "overboard".
"God had been working in my heart and I was very angry . . . [De Vries] apologised and asked for forgiveness, which I gave because God has forgiven me and granted me grace."
She said in her letter she had not mentioned the touching to anyone else because it had been forgiven.
After writing the letter, De Vries sent her a letter himself, saying he was sorry she had to relive it.
"While I believe there was true repentance, true forgiveness, and a restoration to a right and godly relationship between us two and a half years ago, I know that the lifting of the scab of this old wound will bring new pains to both of us."
He urged the complainant to seek counsel from "godly men in the church" as well as men who had experience with complaint processes.
In his letter he included names and numbers of several people he believed could offer her advice, including someone who could refer her to lawyers.
He said no matter what the complainant decided to do he would continue to pray for her.
The trial continues before Judge David Cameron.