What happens when ‘quiet quitting’ hits a relationship?

Between 60 and 70 percent of couples who come to therapy are experiencing quiet quitting, says relationship counsellor Steven Dromgool. Photo / Getty

‘Quiet quitting’ has been a trend in work lives, but Sinead Corcoran Dye discovers it also happens in relationships.

Shortly after the birth of her first child, Lucy’s husband became “completely checked out”.

“I had brought up his daughter from a previous relationship for the past decade, and this was the first time in our relationship where I needed his help. I thought having a child together would complete our family and that he’d be obsessed with her, but he wasn’t.”

Lucy was battling post-natal depression, but instead of being around to support her and their newborn, her husband started pulling away.

“His boss had offered him six weeks paid paternity leave, but he refused to take it – he said it would be a detriment to his career.”

While Lucy was caring for the baby around the clock, her husband started going away on “boys’ trips” every weekend when he had never seemed to have had any friends before and busied himself with fishing and video games.

When Lucy was hospitalised with complications after the birth, her husband wouldn’t come and visit her and said he had to work.

It was at this point Lucy asked him to go to couples’ counselling with her, but he said no. So, she started seeing a psychologist by herself in the hopes he would join. He didn’t – and things only got worse.

“He became completely disengaged in our family and stopped coming home. If we had dinner plans with friends he’d cancel last minute. He didn’t acknowledge my birthday. If I complained about a hard day at work, he’d scoff at me and say, ‘you chose to be a lawyer, I don’t want to hear it’. Occasionally he’d take the kids for a walk and when I’d ask to come with them, he’d just walk off without me. It was bizarre and cruel.”

Desperate, Lucy began googling ‘how to make a marriage work when your partner isn’t engaged’.

“I stumbled onto an online forum aimed at women like me, and it said to stop nagging and stop demanding things from your partner when they get home. I knew that didn’t sound right but I was prepared to try anything – so I tried becoming a submissive, subservient wife.”

While they seemed to be getting on better once she kept quiet – a few months later she checked their phone bill and things finally fell apart.

“I saw a number that had been called repeatedly and when I asked him about it, he laughed in my face and admitted he was having an affair with a friend of my friend.”

Finding out your partner is having an affair is hideous. But for Lucy, it was equally abhorrent to find her partner had checked out from the relationship. She is among a growing number falling victim to what relationship experts are calling the trend of “quiet quitting”.

You may have seen it in the workplace – the colleague who clocks in but does only the bare minimum to keep their job. In effect, they have clocked out but still sit at their desk day in day out, lacking the courage or motivation to move on.

Relationship counsellor Steven Dromgool says between 60 and 70 percent of couples who come to therapy are experiencing quiet quitting, or “relationship ambivalence”.

“From a therapist’s point of view, it’s one of the most serious issues that you can have, and if you don’t sort it out very quickly your therapy will not succeed because you need an alliance,” says Dromgool.

“It takes two people to make a relationship work, and it takes one person to break it – so ambivalence in a relationship is actually a terminal issue.”

And that ambivalence can have a profound impact on the person still trying to make a relationship work.

Harriet was with her partner for two years – but almost nine months of that was a zombie relationship.

“At the 14-month point I felt him pull away,” she says. “All of a sudden, he was busy all the time and when we were together, he just wanted to play video games.

“I loved him so much that I wanted to make him happy, so I put up with it and thought if I trod water and stayed chill he’d come back around, but this went on for months and months and there was no good energy coming from him anymore.”

Harriet says she had been through two other difficult break-ups – but being the victim of a quiet quitter was a far worse experience.

“I wasted nine months putting all this energy into the wrong places, and when I turned to alcohol to numb that pain, I ended up having these huge meltdowns which ended up pushing him away even more.

“It’s so much easier to just be dumped because then you know they don’t want you anymore, but when you’re being quiet quitted on you can almost see it happening and it’s this prolonged pain that goes on for months and months.”

Dromgool says there are lots of reasons behind quiet quitting – fear of the unknown, economic uncertainty, the awful prospect of, “being on Tinder, especially if you’ve been in a relationship for 40 years, fear of conflict and being strategic about when to leave”.

He also points out that often quiet quitters have been hurt; it’s not uncommon to see someone whose partner has an affair staying in the relationship but giving up on making it work.

“When we get hurt, the instinct is to withdraw and, especially in the case of an affair, that’s an appropriate and reasonable thing to do.

“But what we’re looking for is a level of engagement to see if it can be worked through. We should give it the same amount of attention as if we discovered an unknown lump in the body, that would be the measure of concern I would attach to it.

“If you wake up one day and think’ why the hell am I in this relationship’, everything’s probably fine you’re just having a bad day. But if it goes on for months that’s something to be concerned about.”

Charlotte had been with her boyfriend five years when she realised she wasn’t happy. But the couple’s lives were so tied up together that she could see no way out. They owned a house, were heading off on a six-month travelling adventure and had locked in plans for a future together.

“As soon as we got back from our trip I consciously started quietly quitting. I threw myself into my job and worked late every night at the office, so I didn’t have to go home. I stayed out late partying every weekend, and I’d never invite my partner.”

She also started making plans for a single future – even joining a gym class because “I wanted to look hot and feel confident in my body”.

“When I was at home, I’d avoid him around the house. I didn’t want to have an argument, so I’d just keep to myself.”

She says she doesn’t regret quiet quitting - even though she recognises how unfair it was – because it helped her prepare for life after the relationship.

“It meant I was able to slowly back out of the relationship and distance myself from him, without having to brutally end it.”

However, she says with the benefit of more maturity she can’t see how she would do it again. In her new relationship, “I would like to think if we had serious issues, we’d be able to communicate with each other to try to work it out.”

Relationship expert Angela Rennie says it takes a lot of courage to end a relationship. Stonewalling and withdrawing, which are features of quiet quitting, can be a defence mechanism, particularly for people who don’t like conflict.

“It’s a self-protective behaviour we learn at a young age, then bring into adulthood.”

She sees lots of couples where one person is done but the other didn’t even realise there was a problem and is upset they weren’t given a chance to “fix it”.

“Women often do it and put walls up when they’ve been hurt so many times, and don’t know how they’re going to manage the kids and manage financially. Men often do it to keep the peace.”

However, Rennie also says there is a way back – but only if both partners are willing.

“You need both people looking at their behaviours so that you can work as a team - which is hard if one person is resistant to that.

“I always suggest couples do a weekly check-in to talk about what’s going well and what are the issues. Relationships can’t grow without addressing the differences and they do get stagnant if you don’t address the problems.”

Dromgool says that if you suspect your other half is quiet-quitting, you need to confront them.

“Relationships do change, so ask why they’re still in the relationship. And then if you get an ‘I’m not sure,’ go straight to therapy, do not pass go, do not collect $200, because that’s a critical issue.

“In relationships we hurt each other at times, so when that happens it needs to be repaired and treated seriously.

“Staying is hard if you’re unhappy, and leaving is hard. But quiet-quitting leaves you in a pretty toxic environment with all the costs but none of the benefits.”

Lucy suspects her partner wanted her to find evidence of his infidelity.

“It was like he didn’t have the balls to end it so he decided to behave as obnoxiously as possible. And left clues around like the phone calls, because he seemed almost relieved when I caught him.”

She agrees that if you feel you are the victim of quiet-quitting you need to confront your partner – or make the call yourself to get out of the relationship.

A few years later Lucy was in a new relationship, which she realised wasn’t right.

“I put so much consideration into how to end it,” she says. “The thought of being an a**hole to get them to break up with me was inconceivable.

“Yes, it’s hard to front up to someone and say you don’t want to be with them anymore – I still feel sick about my breakup six years ago – but that’s just having respect for someone.”

Where to get help

If it is an emergency and you or someone else is at risk, call 111.

For depression and postpartum depression support, contact the free 24/7 helpline 0800 111 757 or text 4202. Visit https://www.depression.org.nz/

For help with alcohol and drug use, visit https://alcoholdrughelp.org.nz/ or call the helpline on 0800 787 797

For counselling and support contact Lifeline: Call 0800 543 354 or text 4357 (HELP)