NZ Herald
  • Home
  • Latest news
  • Herald NOW
  • Video
  • New Zealand
  • Sport
  • World
  • Business
  • Entertainment
  • Podcasts
  • Quizzes
  • Opinion
  • Lifestyle
  • Travel
  • Viva
  • Weather

Subscriptions

  • Herald Premium
  • Viva Premium
  • The Listener
  • BusinessDesk

Sections

  • Latest news
  • New Zealand
    • All New Zealand
    • Crime
    • Politics
    • Education
    • Open Justice
    • Scam Update
  • Herald NOW
  • On The Up
  • World
    • All World
    • Australia
    • Asia
    • UK
    • United States
    • Middle East
    • Europe
    • Pacific
  • Business
    • All Business
    • MarketsSharesCurrencyCommoditiesStock TakesCrypto
    • Markets with Madison
    • Media Insider
    • Business analysis
    • Personal financeKiwiSaverInterest ratesTaxInvestment
    • EconomyInflationGDPOfficial cash rateEmployment
    • Small business
    • Business reportsMood of the BoardroomProject AucklandSustainable business and financeCapital markets reportAgribusiness reportInfrastructure reportDynamic business
    • Deloitte Top 200 Awards
    • CompaniesAged CareAgribusinessAirlinesBanking and financeConstructionEnergyFreight and logisticsHealthcareManufacturingMedia and MarketingRetailTelecommunicationsTourism
  • Opinion
    • All Opinion
    • Analysis
    • Editorials
    • Business analysis
    • Premium opinion
    • Letters to the editor
  • Politics
  • Sport
    • All Sport
    • OlympicsParalympics
    • RugbySuper RugbyNPCAll BlacksBlack FernsRugby sevensSchool rugby
    • CricketBlack CapsWhite Ferns
    • Racing
    • NetballSilver Ferns
    • LeagueWarriorsNRL
    • FootballWellington PhoenixAuckland FCAll WhitesFootball FernsEnglish Premier League
    • GolfNZ Open
    • MotorsportFormula 1
    • Boxing
    • UFC
    • BasketballNBABreakersTall BlacksTall Ferns
    • Tennis
    • Cycling
    • Athletics
    • SailingAmerica's CupSailGP
    • Rowing
  • Lifestyle
    • All Lifestyle
    • Viva - Food, fashion & beauty
    • Society Insider
    • Royals
    • Sex & relationships
    • Food & drinkRecipesRecipe collectionsRestaurant reviewsRestaurant bookings
    • Health & wellbeing
    • Fashion & beauty
    • Pets & animals
    • The Selection - Shop the trendsShop fashionShop beautyShop entertainmentShop giftsShop home & living
    • Milford's Investing Place
  • Entertainment
    • All Entertainment
    • TV
    • MoviesMovie reviews
    • MusicMusic reviews
    • BooksBook reviews
    • Culture
    • ReviewsBook reviewsMovie reviewsMusic reviewsRestaurant reviews
  • Travel
    • All Travel
    • News
    • New ZealandNorthlandAucklandWellingtonCanterburyOtago / QueenstownNelson-TasmanBest NZ beaches
    • International travelAustraliaPacific IslandsEuropeUKUSAAfricaAsia
    • Rail holidays
    • Cruise holidays
    • Ski holidays
    • Luxury travel
    • Adventure travel
  • Kāhu Māori news
  • Environment
    • All Environment
    • Our Green Future
  • Talanoa Pacific news
  • Property
    • All Property
    • Property Insider
    • Interest rates tracker
    • Residential property listings
    • Commercial property listings
  • Health
  • Technology
    • All Technology
    • AI
    • Social media
  • Rural
    • All Rural
    • Dairy farming
    • Sheep & beef farming
    • Horticulture
    • Animal health
    • Rural business
    • Rural life
    • Rural technology
    • Opinion
    • Audio & podcasts
  • Weather forecasts
    • All Weather forecasts
    • Kaitaia
    • Whangārei
    • Dargaville
    • Auckland
    • Thames
    • Tauranga
    • Hamilton
    • Whakatāne
    • Rotorua
    • Tokoroa
    • Te Kuiti
    • Taumaranui
    • Taupō
    • Gisborne
    • New Plymouth
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Dannevirke
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Levin
    • Paraparaumu
    • Masterton
    • Wellington
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Blenheim
    • Westport
    • Reefton
    • Kaikōura
    • Greymouth
    • Hokitika
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
    • Wānaka
    • Oamaru
    • Queenstown
    • Dunedin
    • Gore
    • Invercargill
  • Meet the journalists
  • Promotions & competitions
  • OneRoof property listings
  • Driven car news

Puzzles & Quizzes

  • Puzzles
    • All Puzzles
    • Sudoku
    • Code Cracker
    • Crosswords
    • Cryptic crossword
    • Wordsearch
  • Quizzes
    • All Quizzes
    • Morning quiz
    • Afternoon quiz
    • Sports quiz

Regions

  • Northland
    • All Northland
    • Far North
    • Kaitaia
    • Kerikeri
    • Kaikohe
    • Bay of Islands
    • Whangarei
    • Dargaville
    • Kaipara
    • Mangawhai
  • Auckland
  • Waikato
    • All Waikato
    • Hamilton
    • Coromandel & Hauraki
    • Matamata & Piako
    • Cambridge
    • Te Awamutu
    • Tokoroa & South Waikato
    • Taupō & Tūrangi
  • Bay of Plenty
    • All Bay of Plenty
    • Katikati
    • Tauranga
    • Mount Maunganui
    • Pāpāmoa
    • Te Puke
    • Whakatāne
  • Rotorua
  • Hawke's Bay
    • All Hawke's Bay
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Havelock North
    • Central Hawke's Bay
    • Wairoa
  • Taranaki
    • All Taranaki
    • Stratford
    • New Plymouth
    • Hāwera
  • Manawatū - Whanganui
    • All Manawatū - Whanganui
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Manawatū
    • Tararua
    • Horowhenua
  • Wellington
    • All Wellington
    • Kapiti
    • Wairarapa
    • Upper Hutt
    • Lower Hutt
  • Nelson & Tasman
    • All Nelson & Tasman
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Tasman
  • Marlborough
  • West Coast
  • Canterbury
    • All Canterbury
    • Kaikōura
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
  • Otago
    • All Otago
    • Oamaru
    • Dunedin
    • Balclutha
    • Alexandra
    • Queenstown
    • Wanaka
  • Southland
    • All Southland
    • Invercargill
    • Gore
    • Stewart Island
  • Gisborne

Media

  • Video
    • All Video
    • NZ news video
    • Herald NOW
    • Business news video
    • Politics news video
    • Sport video
    • World news video
    • Lifestyle video
    • Entertainment video
    • Travel video
    • Markets with Madison
    • Kea Kids news
  • Podcasts
    • All Podcasts
    • The Front Page
    • On the Tiles
    • Ask me Anything
    • The Little Things
  • Cartoons
  • Photo galleries
  • Today's Paper - E-editions
  • Photo sales
  • Classifieds

NZME Network

  • Advertise with NZME
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • BusinessDesk
  • Newstalk ZB
  • Sunlive
  • ZM
  • The Hits
  • Coast
  • Radio Hauraki
  • The Alternative Commentary Collective
  • Gold
  • Flava
  • iHeart Radio
  • Hokonui
  • Radio Wanaka
  • iHeartCountry New Zealand
  • Restaurant Hub
  • NZME Events

SubscribeSign In
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Home / Lifestyle

Understanding submissive kink: Sexologists and shibari experts explain how to safely explore giving up control

Varsha Anjali
By Varsha Anjali
Multimedia Journalist·NZ Herald·
11 Jul, 2025 07:00 AM7 mins to read

Subscribe to listen

Access to Herald Premium articles require a Premium subscription. Subscribe now to listen.
Already a subscriber?  Sign in here

Listening to articles is free for open-access content—explore other articles or learn more about text-to-speech.
‌
Save

    Share this article

    Reminder, this is a Premium article and requires a subscription to read.

Why does giving up control feel erotic for some women? Experts give an insight into submission and how to explore it safely. Photo / Getty Images

Why does giving up control feel erotic for some women? Experts give an insight into submission and how to explore it safely. Photo / Getty Images

Warning: This article discusses sexual themes and is suitable for adults only.

Why does giving up control feel erotic for some women? Can it be harmful? Is it possible to explore it and still be a feminist? Varsha Anjali speaks to sexologists and a shibari practitioner.

When American pop star Sabrina Carpenter shared the cover of her new album Man’s Best Friend, many women spoke out about how it made them feel uncomfortable. It depicted the singer kneeling on the floor as a man tugged at her hair. As a result of the overtly submissive, hyper-feminine image, Carpenter, one of the most successful contemporary female singers, was perceived as someone lacking control in men’s favour.

“Women fought for decades to not be portrayed like this - and now we’re glamorising it as album promo? This isn’t provocative, it’s pathetic,” read one comment on Carpenter’s Instagram post.

Sabrina Carpenter's Man’s Best Friend album cover. Photo / Instagram
Sabrina Carpenter's Man’s Best Friend album cover. Photo / Instagram
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

While some film and literature (the 50 Shades of Grey series, The Story of O) are praised for bringing kink conversations to the dinner table, the mounting accusations that Carpenter was promoting women’s subordination and antifeminism show there is a gap in mainstream culture in understanding submissive kink, where one enjoys giving up control, usually to a more dominant partner, for sexual pleasure.

But does choosing to be sexually submissive as a woman mean that you condone male dominance in society? The answer, according to some sexologists, is not necessarily.

“Being submissive in a kink context is not about weakness or lack of power,” Bia Bliss, a somatic sexologist based in Golden Bay, tells the Herald.

 Bia Bliss is a somatic sexologist and embodied counsellor.
Bia Bliss is a somatic sexologist and embodied counsellor.

She says submission can be “a conscious choice” and “an expression of trust, not defeat”.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

In a mutual consent setting anchored in presence and intention, Bliss adds that the submissive can, in many ways, be the one holding the power, “because nothing happens without their agreement”.

Auckland sexologist Maire Joy reinforces this role of consent. She tells the Herald the “consent culture” we’ve entered into in recent years “was really birthed out of the kink community”, and now society is trying to catch up with it. This also helps explain some of the backlash against Carpenter.

“A lot of the fear that we’re getting around the Sabrina Carpenter situation is that there are a lot of people practising and thinking about kink, but not doing it from a consent space, and not doing it from really clearly talked-about, agreed-upon places,” says Joy.

She adds that some young men, who are exposed to easily accessible BDSM (bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism) porn, are acting dominant in sexual encounters without first seeking consent.

Joy believes there needs to be education about safely entering into submissive kink, and how to properly gain consent, for those who are new to it.

There’s also a big difference between being submissive by choice versus being socially conditioned to please.

“One comes from obligation and fear of rejection, the other from a place of sovereignty and choice,” Bliss says. “When a woman submits from a place of choice and desire, she isn’t giving her power away; she is choosing how her power is expressed.”

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
 Maire Joy is a sex therapist and an educator.
Maire Joy is a sex therapist and an educator.

Both Bliss and Joy emphasise how crucial education is around submissive kink, saying there can be a risk of women mistaking unhealthy control or abuse for consensual submission.

“Abuse thrives in confusion and silence, while conscious kink is built on communication, clarity, and mutual respect,” says Bliss. “That’s why education, self-awareness, and community support are so important when exploring power dynamics.”

Submissive kink can include being bound or tied up. Shibari, a type of Japanese rope bondage, is not necessarily used in a sexual context, but has become more popular in recent years. Regular classes and workshops are offered in Auckland.

Kaspian, an Auckland shibari performance artist and teacher, first got into shibari after seeing photos of the artform. He thought it looked uncomfortable, abrasive and disrespectful. Yet the faces and body language of people looked “so relaxed and peaceful”. It intrigued him.

Shibari teacher Kaspian ties Nita. Photo / David Kang
Shibari teacher Kaspian ties Nita. Photo / David Kang

“I’m attracted to complexity, so I wanted to figure out what was going on.”

For Kaspian, rope is a language he uses to communicate with his hands. He says it keeps him present and honest.

Before starting a session with someone, Kaspian talks to them about exploration goals, boundaries, injuries or triggers, and curiosities. Do they have experience in BDSM, kink or shibari? If so, what do they like or find challenging? Have they seen him tie before? What counts as sexual to them? How will they let him know if they are having an uncomfortable experience, or what signs should he watch for?

“I don’t just tie people, I stay tuned in to how they’re reacting, moment to moment. I build trust through consistency, clear check-ins, and making sure people feel heard and seen.

“Emotional depth in rope only works when safety is real and mutual.”

Importantly, Kaspian says this isn’t a one-time conversation.

“Consent is ongoing. I always do check-ins afterwards, often a day or two later. We reflect together and share what worked and what didn’t. That honesty is the foundation.”

Kink can look violent or risky, and some fantasies can be embarrassing, shameful or even illegal. For example, Joy says rape may be a common fantasy but not something anyone would want to experience in reality. So, if there is no moral alliance, how does it feel erotic?

“The erotic mind or private fantasy world is its own entity,” Joy says.

“There are two parts to the process of being turned on. One is the physical representation of what it’s like to be turned on, and your erogenous zones becoming aroused.

“But the other part is your mind, and how do we get our mind to be stimulated and switched on to the moment ... for some people, it is about letting go of control in a safe environment, and that is enough to evoke the erotic mind.”

With shibari, Kaspian believes the allure for many is how the rope “gives them space to stop holding everything together”.

“It lets them slow down and feel. It’s not about giving up control completely, it’s about choosing to let someone in,” he tells the Herald. “That kind of surrender can feel like a relief.”

On the surface level, feminism and BDSM might seem like an oxymoron. Bliss says it’s not.

“Feminism at its core is about the freedom to choose,” she says.

“When a woman consciously chooses submission on her terms, it becomes an empowered act of self-expression. The paradox is that it usually takes a lot of strength to trust and surrender. Many women find liberation in exploring power dynamics in a consensual space, especially when they’ve spent their lives fighting to be heard or in control.

“Submission can become a way to reclaim their body, voice, and desire in ways that feel nourishing and empowering.”

Five tips for talking to your partner about wanting to try kink

1. Choose a distraction-free time when you’re both present (ie no multitasking or distractions)

Eg “There is something unusual I’d like to talk about when you have a moment.”

2. Ask to be heard without judgment before sharing your desires.

Eg “I’d like to share something that feels a bit vulnerable/edgy for me, without needing you to respond right away.”

3. If they’re open, speak about what draws you to kink and what you’re curious to explore.

Eg “I’ve been feeling curious about surrender and power play, and how it could deepen trust and connection between us.”

4. Discuss boundaries, time limits and safe words.

Eg “If we tried this, I’d love to explore being submissive for the evening. My boundaries are [insert your boundaries here]. We can use the traffic light system to check in: green is keep going, yellow is pause, and red is stop immediately.”

5. Name what kind of aftercare feels good to you.

Eg “It’s important to me that we take time afterwards to cuddle, debrief the experience, or something else once we finish playing in this way.”

SOURCE: Bia Bliss, somatic sexologist based in Golden Bay.

Varsha Anjali is a journalist in the lifestyle team at the Herald. Based in Auckland, she covers culture, travel and more.

Save

    Share this article

    Reminder, this is a Premium article and requires a subscription to read.

Latest from Lifestyle

Lifestyle

Macca's confirms rumour of fan favourite's return after eagle-eyed Kiwis spot error

11 Jul 07:27 AM
Premium
Lifestyle

I’m a longevity doctor. These are my daily habits to stay young

11 Jul 06:00 AM
Lifestyle

How tinned fish became the star of dining trends

11 Jul 12:00 AM

Get your kids involved in your reno

sponsored
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Latest from Lifestyle

Macca's confirms rumour of fan favourite's return after eagle-eyed Kiwis spot error

Macca's confirms rumour of fan favourite's return after eagle-eyed Kiwis spot error

11 Jul 07:27 AM

Eyebrows were raised when the McRib began showing up on kiosks in-store.

Premium
I’m a longevity doctor. These are my daily habits to stay young

I’m a longevity doctor. These are my daily habits to stay young

11 Jul 06:00 AM
How tinned fish became the star of dining trends

How tinned fish became the star of dining trends

11 Jul 12:00 AM
Premium
Advice: My brother and I haven’t spoken in four years - can we reconcile?

Advice: My brother and I haven’t spoken in four years - can we reconcile?

11 Jul 12:00 AM
Sponsored: Why heat pumps make winter cheaper
sponsored

Sponsored: Why heat pumps make winter cheaper

NZ Herald
  • About NZ Herald
  • Meet the journalists
  • Newsletters
  • Classifieds
  • Help & support
  • Contact us
  • House rules
  • Privacy Policy
  • Terms of use
  • Competition terms & conditions
  • Our use of AI
Subscriber Services
  • NZ Herald e-editions
  • Daily puzzles & quizzes
  • Manage your digital subscription
  • Manage your print subscription
  • Subscribe to the NZ Herald newspaper
  • Subscribe to Herald Premium
  • Gift a subscription
  • Subscriber FAQs
  • Subscription terms & conditions
  • Promotions and subscriber benefits
NZME Network
  • The New Zealand Herald
  • The Northland Age
  • The Northern Advocate
  • Waikato Herald
  • Bay of Plenty Times
  • Rotorua Daily Post
  • Hawke's Bay Today
  • Whanganui Chronicle
  • Viva
  • NZ Listener
  • Newstalk ZB
  • BusinessDesk
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • iHeart Radio
  • Restaurant Hub
NZME
  • About NZME
  • NZME careers
  • Advertise with NZME
  • Digital self-service advertising
  • Book your classified ad
  • Photo sales
  • NZME Events
  • © Copyright 2025 NZME Publishing Limited
TOP