“Both my separations I instigated, and I felt great guilt about that,” she says, adding the guilt meant she was “probably over-generous” in things she agreed to during the separation process.
The new normal of shared custody also took a toll on Riley. Driving past the family home when the kids were with her ex-husband, knowing they were inside, “I just remember being gutted by that.”
Counselling helped. Even when the split was certain, she and her first husband sat with a therapist to plan how to uncouple well for their children.
“You will always have a relationship, because you have children together,” she recalls being told. They now share birthdays and Christmas. “He is one of my best friends still.”
When she found herself back in the dating pool a little wiser and with more life experience under her belt, Riley looked at relationships with new perspective.
“As you get older you realise that, actually, no relationship is perfect. That it needs working on. You understand that when a relationship fails, two people have failed at that relationship, not one person.
“I consider my marriages were both successful until they weren’t.” The point, she says, is to remember why you chose to leave and to keep going.
“It’s an emotional toll, but it’s survivable and it’s drivable.” Her mantra during the grind of sorting homes, money and routines was “it will get better”.
And dating again? Riley met her fiancé on Hinge after three years being single. She swears by a simple screen for red flags. “How do you find a needle in a haystack? You burn the haystack down.”
The rest of the conversation covers practical first-date tactics, the Sunday coffee rule, why Hinge worked for her, the two-year recovery arc, and how to support friends without pushing them into a new relationship.
Listen to the full episode of The Little Things for more.
The Little Things is available on iHeartRadio, Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. The series is hosted by broadcaster Francesca Rudkin and health researcher Louise Ayrey. New episodes are available every Saturday.
