You may be aware of [British TV presenter and writer] Fern Britton's recent claim that her first marriage broke up because, she said, she passed a Mensa test and her husband didn't. Apparently Fern took the IQ test without telling him and, when he found out, she said, hefelt obliged to take it too, but didn't make the grade. Afterwards, said Fern, nothing was the same again, not least because he was supposed to be the university graduate with the big brain and, reportedly, it meant that "an immense rift opened" between them.
Apart from making us hoot with laughter (this is like getting divorced because one of you is always underbidding in bridge), the Britton revelation got us thinking. The truth is there are certain things that are very unhealthy for a marriage – things that might seem trivial at the time but that cause hairline fractures, then schisms, and then the next thing you know you're in DNR territory.
These are some other unhealthy choices, should you want to avoid them:
You cooked. Then he cooked and now he cooks the thing you cooked better and that makes you feel a) obsolete and b) sabotaged. See also childcare and becoming the favourite parent.
2. One of you having a friend of the opposite sex whose advice they respect above yours
Fair enough if they're a lawyer/doctor but we're not talking about that sort of advice. We're talking about him going out of his way to ask his old uni friend Anna what she would do with your house, and how she would plan his big birthday party.
Money. An absolute relationship minefield (see points 5, 8 and 9). Photo / Towfiqu Barbhuiya, Unsplash
3. One of you having a work social life that takes precedence over your joint social life
Not just because it's an essential part of the job but because clearly they enjoy it more.
4. One of you living in another place ...
... and finding it increasingly hard to uproot themselves just to be in the same place as the other one.
5. One of you having forgotten to mention a past relationship / bank account / loan / remortgage ...
... anything to do with secret financial commitments actually. Far worse than old lovers.
6. One of you getting an all-consuming hobby
This will involve someone attractive and after-hours practice; eg. singing in a choir.
7. One of you having a midlife crisis
As in deciding they are too hot, talented, smart, and brimming with energy to not explore their potential (dodge all the boring stuff) and the other one not having infinite reservoirs of patience.
8. An imbalance of desires
One of you doing very well and the other one being perfectly happy with their easy-going old life and not particularly inclined to start getting dressed up and meeting rich people.
9. The money thing
One of you not contributing as much financially but also not doing anything else much, including the washing up.
10. The alcohol thing
One of you giving up drink and the other one very much not giving up drink and, if anything, drinking a lot more. Or that's what it feels like to the non-drinking one.
If you have stepchildren and you don't like them very much, you have a problem. Photo / Aedrian, Unsplash
11. Town mouse or country mouse?
One of you being really into gardening, chickens, rewilding, etc and the other one secretly longing to be in a concrete and zinc subterranean city bar.
12. Parental control
One of you having a parent who is in constant contact or, to be more accurate, ever present in your lives. There are three of you in the marriage but the other one is his/her mother.
One of you not really liking the other one's children.
14. Good cop, bad cop
One of you making the other one the bad cop when it comes to disciplining your children while they are always the good cop, and then – on top of that – having an opinion on what the bad cop might say.
15. The ex factor
One of you having a very involved ex partner. This is officially so that the children are as untroubled as possible by the divorce. But it feels to the current wife/husband a bit like polygamy by the back door, and the absolute opposite of healthy.
