The Sex Files: The sex position question you should stop asking

Lee Suckling loathes being asked this one very personal question. Photo / Getty Images

Warning explicit content

"Top or bottom?" It's a question LGBT people get asked all the time. When in the bedroom, are you the pitcher or the catcher, the giver or the receiver? Or, if you're really uninitiated, "who's the man, and who's the woman?"

In Latino cultures, the top or bottom question is posed as "activo or pasivo?" (active or passive). In BDSM circles, it's "dom or sub?" (dominant or submissive).

Straight people aren't exempt from this line of questioning. In the swipe right culture of modern sex, heterosexuals are now identifying as tops and bottoms too. However, this has less to do with sexual logistics and more with a power play. Who's in charge, and who's not?

I personally loathe the top/bottom question being posited in noun form. It's a way to box people in; to categorise their sexual appetites and overly decide, from the outcome, what kind of person they are in a relationship.

Tops are supposed to be strong and dominating, bottoms purportedly hungry for being controlled and told what to do. Tops want to throw you around, bottoms want to be thrown. Or so the rhetoric goes.

What this leads to is a culture of "bottom shaming". The harmful concept that somehow being on the receptive end means one is inferior.

This is rooted in misogyny. Women, as penetratively receptive partners, have historically been seen as the weaker sex. Those that are "less than" their more powerful counterparts.

To be a bottom/passive/subordinate/on the receiving end is, therefore, to be feminised; to behave like a female. And to be thought of as a woman is supposed to be shameful. Or so society has informed us.

Words carry more meaning than I think people realise. That's why I prefer using top/bottom language in verb form, e.g. "to top" or "to bottom". It's something you like to do, not something you are. It takes away much of the stigma – rather than being defined as top or bottom you are able to express yourself as "someone who enjoys topping" or "someone who enjoys bottoming".

Don't forget that there are those of us who don't have a specific preference. If we have to put a noun to it, we call ourselves "versatile" (vers) but really, the point it not relegating ourselves to one kind of sexual activity.

Versatility gives us ownership over our mood and agency over our bodies. It appreciates that whether you want to top or to bottom is highly dependent on the person you're with, and the unique situation you're in.

Sometimes you don't even know until the heat of the moment when it's happening. Other times, you might want to do one or the other because of how you feel about your body, what you've eaten, and how clean you feel.

I understand that some LGBT like labels and proudly use top and bottom as their statuses. If that's you, I support your choice. Own it.

For me, I'd rather not get caught up in the division, stereotyping, and jokes that come with putting up the top/bottom partition.

Rather than treating ourselves like 2D objects in a transactional game of sex, I'd rather enjoy the multifaceted nuances of sex.

For me, sexuality is a give-and-take kind of experience that doesn't concern itself with potentially restrictive classifications.