The Sex Files: Lee Suckling: The life of a modern swinger

Swinging is sometimes called partner swapping, and it's exclusively sexual and limited in duration. Photo / Getty Images

You've likely heard the old "put your keys in the bowl" cliché. Today, swingers have social media and the internet on their side. But does this make swinging easier? Lee Suckling explains.

There's something terribly 1970s about the concept of swinging. We all imagine shag carpets, dodgy mustaches, psychedelic drugs, and Barry White playing on the hi-fi.

Are swingers alive and well in the 21st century, given that we have loads of conversations these days about non-monogamy? I've written about sex parties, throuples, and monogamish-ness before.

Swinging can fall into any of these categories. Or it can be something unique and on its own.

Swinging is sometimes called partner swapping, and it's exclusively sexual and limited in duration. Swingers don't have ongoing wife- or husband-swapping arrangements with other couples (that's closer to polyamory). You don't go on dates or do anything romantic with someone else's partner. Swinging is just a social activity. It's like a couple's game of mini-golf. You come together, exchange partners, and then go back to your normal life.

I find the language around swinging to be problematic and anti-feminist, however, which is perhaps why the term isn't that commonly heard anymore. Think of the phrases used: "wife swapping", "husband swapping", and so on. It feels like there's intrinsic ownership in there somewhere. As if one partner has the ability to "trade" the other. It doesn't sound consensual; instead, it reads as antiquated. Given the poor historical nature of gender equality, the idea of this exchange would seem to give men more power than women.

Yet this is just a misconception from the outside, it's not the reality for 2019's swingers. Anybody who engages in swinging today will affirm that they are in a form of Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM). Both parties are in accord, can say yes and no at free will, and are wholly transparent. It's equally as important to note that swinging is not cheating. There are no lies and there's no deceit.

Decades ago swingers had to go to parties to meet other swingers – I'm sure you've heard the old "put your keys in the bowl" cliché. Today, swingers have social media and the internet on their side. This doesn't mean it's easier now than in the 1970s, though. It's not just a case of swiping right with another couple, and going at it.

In a traditional sexual experience, all you need is for mutual sexual attraction between two people. In swinging, you need it between all four. A successful swinging event means feeling hot for somebody else's partner and there being four-way reciprocation. Four people's personalities need to click, not just two. It doesn't work if only two or three of you feel the vibe – otherwise one or more people are taking part begrudgingly. This goes against CNM altogether.

This means there will be lots of back-and-forth chat on apps that go nowhere. Lots of time wasted (and time wasters to deal with). There are disappointments when real life doesn't meet up with expectations, when one of the four changes their mind, or when unspoken pressure emerges to "take one for the team" and willingly make a personal sacrifice to the collective benefit of others. Swinging isn't exactly straightforward and clean.

And then there are emotions. Initial attraction and the desire to swing with another chosen couple is one thing. But what about the fall-out? It's all well and good telling yourself swinging is just a social activity, something that "Stays in Vegas", as it were. In reality, there is jealously, attachment, social awkwardness, shame, and tons of other issues that might stay with you once a swingin' sexual adventure is over. Perhaps swinging was more popular in the 1970s because people then were too high to remember it, so the emotional consequences didn't follow them into the next day?

Modern-day swingers therefore are very big on pre-sex conversation. There's a lot of chat about rules and boundaries and everything has to line up for both couples. When each couples goes home and back to their normal life, discussions must continue at home. Swingers need to discuss any issues that are arising, rather than leaving them to fester. The result can either be a wonderfully open and communicative relationship full of sexual satisfaction, or the agreement that swinging isn't right for you - and that's also okay.