The Sex Files: Are you ashamed of your own kinks?

Liking weird sex stuff isn't really that weird at all, writes Lee Suckling. Photo / 123RF

Warning: This article contains sexually explicit content intended for an adult audience.

What you do in the privacy of your bedroom is your own business. Nobody else's opinions or ideals should come into your sex life, especially when it comes to your likes and dislikes.

Kink shaming is a phenomenon whereby you use somebody else's unconventional sexual preferences – they could be latex or chastity cages, feet or pup play – against them. Done both consciously and explicitly but also subconsciously or with looks or reactions, kink shaming is a form of judgement. It makes a person feel bad about their sexual desires, even when they want them in safe and consensual ways.

Self-shaming for your own kinks happens too. This is when you feel like you shouldn't have your fetishes, that they are "wrong", "undesirable", or make you a "bad person".

Liking weird sex stuff isn't really that weird at all. Most people have at least one or two things that aren't necessarily sexual in nature, but they find sexually appealing. Attracted to high heels? That's a kink. What about men in rugby shorts? That's a kink too. Urination? Wearing opposite-gender underwear? BDSM? You see where I'm going here… these are all kinks that lots of people enjoy.

Feeling a sense of your own shame when it comes to the fetishes you have is unhealthy, but sometimes inevitable. This form of shame is sometimes felt after repetitive less-than-positive reactions when divulging your kinks to partners.

For example, say you're a straight man married to a straight woman, and you enjoy pegging (being penetrated with a strap-on). This is a common, legal, and safe kink that a lot of heterosexual men like to explore. Your wife may not personally find it sexually arousing herself, but she indulges your fantasy on occasion. In theory, she's doing everything right: giving something a go, maintaining her consent and comfort level, and being sex-positive.

But as time goes by, it becomes clear that she doesn't actually enjoy pegging. It gives her little or no personal satisfaction. This can lead to you feeling like a favour is being done for you. The consequence of that when you're in a loving and respectful relationship? Self-shame. You start to feel bad and may decide pursing your kink is not worth it.

None of this is to say that this man's partner doesn't have the right not to enjoy her partner's kink. She absolutely does. Yet self-shame isn't rationale. An enjoyable kink is a shared kink. When the feeling is not mutual, and one party feels like they're being treated by the other, it can ruin the entire experience.

Self-shaming for your kinks also happens for other internal reasons. Societally, we are brought up to understand that vanilla sex is normal sex, and anything that diverges from that is thus abnormal. When nobody tells you that enjoying a fetish like food play or humiliation are acceptable, it's likely you'll develop indignity around your desire. You could be ashamed to admit it out loud, and afraid to ask others to join you in it.

Thankfully, the internet helps close this gap because there are communities out there for everything, but exploration of kinks in real life can remain a personally-emotional hurdle. This is all because of the disgrace you feel about enjoying something others don't.

Religion, traditional family values, and other forms of sex-negative conservatism are big drivers of self-shaming one's kinks too. When you have conformist messages about sex ingrained in you from childhood, it's hard to shake them as an adult.

People from backgrounds with religions that have particularly problematic relationships with sex – e.g. Catholicism, Mormonism, and Islam – often struggle the most with self-shaming. When your upbringing and culture are such big parts of your personality and worldview, it's only logical that they will contribute to your level of self-acceptance when it comes to liberal expressions of sexuality.

Acknowledgement of self-shame is the only way to work through it. If you understand why you feel bad about a kink or fetish you have, that's a really good first step. As previously noted, the internet is plentiful with online communities of people for every kink out there.

The journey towards self-acceptance is often best-begun joining one of these. Connecting with others who have been in your exact same situation will make you feel "seen", which is crucial in getting over something like kink self-shame.