Getting divorced isn't just about dealing with emotions – it can also have financial implications that change the course of your life. Photo / Getty Images
Sinead Corcoran Dye talks to five divorcees about their experiences of the financial nightmare of a break-up.
Phil, 44, electrical engineer
I had been with my partner 12 years when we split. The ”reason” for the breakup was that she’d been having an affair, but I recognise now that was a symptom of lots of things that were wrong. She’s not with that guy now.
We owned a home together; I owned an apartment and she part-owned another apartment with her cousin. We also have three daughters.
We didn’t have any sort of prenup in place but made an amicable separation agreement and didn’t go through any proceedings – the cost was about $5k in lawyers’ fees all up.
But it wasn’t the cost of the lawyers that made it a financial hit, it was trying to separate the properties. I remember reading that everyone comes out poorer after a separation and that is definitely true in my case.
We split the debt, and she kept the house (by selling her share of her other property) and I kept the apartment that I owned. In the interests of settling everything quickly, I agreed the apartment was relationship property and should be split, but that the house she owned with her cousin was not. In hindsight, I probably should have fought that.
She ended up with a much larger asset (and of course a larger debt) and I ended up in the apartment I had bought with a smaller debt than her – but owing more on it than when I had bought it.
I guess the division of assets was “equal” in the eyes of the law, but I don’t think it was equitable.
We’re all settled up on the costs now. I’m definitely far less well off now than I would have been if we’d stayed together – or if I’d fought for half the apartment she owned, as she took half of mine. I’ve since sold that apartment and bought a bigger house, but that has meant taking on bigger debt just as interest rates rose, the cost-of-living crisis, and property prices dropped.
I can’t blame that all on the separation of course – but the separation was the catalyst for the decisions that have got me here and so, for example, I’ve not been able to take the girls on holiday for a couple of years.
Neither of us pay child support to each other – we just roughly divide the running costs of keeping the girls fed and watered.
Occasionally I feel a bit irritated about how it all ended up money-wise as I don’t have the choices I would have had if it had turned out differently.
I don’t have any regrets though. Of course, I’d love to be wealthier – who wouldn’t?! But our relationship was over and separating was the right thing for both of us and for the girls. And I’m glad we never got into any spats over the money – I wanted to protect the kids from that.
My relationship with my ex now is amicable for the sake of the girls but I don’t think we’ll ever be friends.
Michaela, 32, software engineer
I split from my partner when I was 29. We’d been together more than a decade and shared a house and a dog. Our marriage had felt like death by a thousand paper cuts – even right from the start. I’d had cold feet at the wedding but tried to ignore it because I felt like I should be happy – we had a comfortable life and close friends, so what could be wrong?
But in reality, he was awful. He was always incredibly condescending to me, drank too much and was forever convinced I was having affairs with all my male friends.
I was unhappy for that entire decade we were together, but I didn’t think it was bad enough to leave – because you get told marriage is hard work so it took a long time to realise it shouldn’t be as bad as it was.
We didn’t have a prenuptial agreement so on top of more than $5000 on lawyers he got to stay in the house while I had to rent – and I still helped pay the mortgage even though I earned significantly less than him. When we ended up selling the house we split the money 50/50. He got the majority of our household assets too because I felt bad for “putting him out” when I was the one who instigated the divorce.
We’ve finally settled now but paying both rent and a mortgage crippled me financially for a long time.
I wish I’d stood up for myself more when sorting out our living arrangement post-divorce. It would have been so easy for him to move in with family or get accommodation through work, but I felt like I needed to bend over backwards. I didn’t want to come across as the “bad guy” more than I already had.
And despite me giving him everything he wanted and me taking nothing, he told all of our mutual friends that I was being unreasonable, and they believed him, and cut me out of their lives. He and I haven’t spoken since.
Charles, 57, marketing manager
I had been with my first wife five years when we split and together, we shared two cars, a house and a toddler. We didn’t have a prenup and even though we owned the home together and were mortgage-free, she walked away with 80% of everything and I had to start over again.
Even though I could have taken half as I was entitled to it, I had wanted to be fair to her. I was a lot younger than she was so had more income potential.
And now more than 20 years later I’m still paying off the mortgage on my current home with a huge amount in interest costs. It’s hard to know all up how much the divorce cost me but as part of that I had to spend more than $20,000 on custody lawyers and 16 years of child support costs.
And while, of course, I would always expect to pay an equal share of raising our child, I didn’t think ongoing support costs were fair given she’d already taken everything.
There have been countless fights over the split over the past two decades – and even though I resent the financial side of it I don’t regret bowing down to her because I know I did the best for my child.
He’s grown up now so thankfully I haven’t had to speak to his mother for years.
Megan, 62, data analyst
I met my former husband when I was in my early 20s and he was in his 40s. At the time I was already married to someone else. But we ended up having an affair, I left my first husband for him – and had nothing to show financially from that first marriage – he took it all.
A few years later we got married too. He already had a son from a previous relationship, but he knew that I really wanted a child of my own. When I had our son I took maternity leave from my successful career, but then when I told him I was ready – and excited – to go back to work, he told me he didn’t want me to, and that he wanted us to relocate from Wellington to Auckland so he could take on a promotion at their offices there.
So, I naively agreed to be a stay-at-home mum, when I never wanted to be. I missed my job; I missed having my own pay cheque. I’d always been an incredibly independent, career-driven woman and all of a sudden found myself in my second marriage – not even 30 – with no income of my own.
I spent the next five years following him and his career around the country. We owned multiple cars and properties by this point. Well, I say we – everything was in his name.
By the time our son was 5 his job as a “wining and dining” salesman had tipped him over the edge into alcoholism – and while at the time he was still hugely successful at work, his role as a husband and father was at an all-time, drunken low.
I’m ashamed to admit I had another affair – this time less because I had fallen in love, more as a means to escape.
I left him – and for the second time, left with nothing. While legally I would have been entitled to half of everything, all the properties, all the cars and other assets – he frightened me. I was too scared to go up against him in court, even if I could afford the lawyers, which I couldn’t when I hadn’t had a job of my own for years.
So, he kept our home, all the other houses and even the little stuff like our furniture – the stuff I had chosen – stuff he didn’t even care about, but kept because he knew I did and that it would get to me.
And I ended up in a cold, dark, two-bedroom rental flat with our son.
I got a new job but with being out of the workforce for so long I had to start over at the beginning again and I was barely making enough to cover rent and groceries. Meanwhile, my ex would take our son on first-class trips to Europe and Disneyland but only pay me the bare minimum pittance of child support, so I couldn’t even afford to get him birthday presents. And the day my son turned 18, even that pittance stopped. My son is in his 30s now and I think he’s only now just beginning to understand how unfair his father is, how unfair he’s been to me.
I’d like to say I don’t live with regret, but I do. And if I had a daughter – or I could go back and tell younger me – I’d tell her to protect herself financially. That while it’s fine to give up work to raise children – and that it’s admirable – it’s not fine to do that if you’re with someone who won’t play fair if it all turns to s***. I’d tell her to make better choices than I did. Yes, money comes and goes and my son is what matters – but I didn’t deserve to be in a cold, dark rental at my age. I wish I’d known better.
As told to Sinead Corcoran Dye
Sinead is an Auckland-based writer, copywriter and communications specialist with a decade of experience in lifestyle content. The mother of one and stepmother of two’s first book on motherhood will be published in February 2025.
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