The Killers once said "it started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this?" and so did I last weekend.
So, what was it? Lust or love?
If like me you ask yourself that question every time you fall in "love" with the coffee guy, gym hottie, neighbour, colleague, the guy from the club, basically every single semi-attractive person on earth, you've come to the right place.
This week I read 'Love Factually: The Science of Who, How, & Why We Love' by Laura Mucha which inspired this Dating Diaries. So sit back, enjoy and come to terms with your own lusty crisis.
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Advertise with NZME.The Greeks had seven different words for love.
Yeah, seven whole ass words for one big old feeling. At first, it seemed like an over-exaggeration but breaking it down, the meaning of love is very complex and involves many different intensities.
Sure, they didn't have a specific word for lust but they did have 'eros' which translates to romantic love including passion and physical attraction - sounds pretty lusty to me.
The fact came from Mucha our Love Factually queen who may have hit me in the feels one too many times.
According to Mucha, lust is a "heady, intoxicating, obsessive and powerful drive aimed at getting us to reproduce. It can be directed at different people, lasting only moments – but can also be directed at (mostly) one-person, lasting months or years."
Obviously, that is all well and good, but she could have said it in fewer words, specifically Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir. Just kidding, Mucha's description is great but I'm still at a loss about what lust really means.
On page 36 of Love Factually, a woman named Terri was interviewed and she was absolutely appalled at anyone who didn't know there was a difference between lust and love. "I think lust is like a firework and love is more like a slow burn." she said.
And it's true.
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Advertise with NZME.If you have ever experienced lust you'll know the intense desire to absorb as much as you can, to know everything about that person all at once. How they feel, smell, taste, what they like, what they don't, their desires, turn-ons, okay yes, I know it sounds weird but don't back out on me now.
Basically, lust is the reason we get in the uber at 1am to go see our sneaky link.
The reason we ignore all of their faults and lack of commonality is because the chemistry is bang on and feels electric every time they touch you and the fact it might be over in a couple of hours, days, weeks or months is just added excitement.
Now that you're fluent in lust, next time the gals group chat is blowing up because someone hooked up with that guy again and is convinced it's love, you can tell them no it's because you're a lusty lil minx.
Now, what is love?
According to Mucha, romantic love can be described as "being made up of intimacy, which requires time and vulnerability, and lust – but not necessarily commitment (which I'd argue is necessary for a successful long-term relationship)."
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Advertise with NZME.Mucha often refers to romantic love as something that dwindles over time, it's not something that lasts, that is 'companionate love' but of course, different strokes for different folks so define it however you like, I won't judge.
Later in the book she interviewed a woman named Leo who said, "at the beginning, it is butterflies, excitement and a lot of movement in your body" - and if you're wondering why it sounds like a Taylor Swift song all I have to say is, of course, it does. Her songs are about love.
Romantic love is intense. You can thank higher levels of dopamine, noradrenaline and cortisol, and lower levels of serotonin for all the uncontrollable emotions and reactions you're experiencing.
These neurochemicals make you feel a little crazy and a little clingy because the dopamine is like dude, get me back to whatever or whoever that was because wow, what a high.
So to summarise, with love, there is no rush, it's more a slow-burning romance, you want to be around that person every single minute of the day but you'll find comfort in slowly getting to know them.
Lust is like a wild animal you can't control... and really don't want to.
