"Tell me you've got a crush on someone without telling me you've got a crush on someone."
*Googles star sign compatibility.*
I shut the TikTok app and in my hybrid Millennial/Gen Z, over-emotional, easily offended, state I rolled my eyes. What a load of bull, I thought to myself while wondering if the cute guy from the gym and I would have compatible star signs.
If, like me, your TikTok feed is exposing both your crush on a cutie and your obsession with astrology, you might be interested in this guide.
Since falling down the astrology rabbit hole in lockdown number one, my Instagram feed has filled with astrology meme pages, my TikTok is full of manifestation techniques and my friends have made me the punchline of the joke for saying "astrology is the key to the universe" too much.
It's been a slippery slope.
But there is an upside, instead of living my best Carrie Bradshaw life, dating every cutie until I find Mr Big, I have learnt a trick of the trade.
Now I check out compatibility before saying "yes" to the date (but to the dude in my DMs - no, I don't) and just like Carrie, I'm going to obnoxiously overshare my experiences with you.
And so, I wondered ... What would the Zodiac Boyfriend Guide say?
*Disclaimer: These are generic summaries based off sun signs only. For full compatibility please consult an astrologist*
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Harry Styles. That's it. That's the summary.
Kidding. Your Aqua man is quirky, fearless and raunchy as hell. He's open-minded, always trying new things and isn't afraid of people's opinions. He lacks ego and vanity and the easiest way to turn him off is by not letting him out of your sight. This man loves creative, physical and mental freedom.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Pisces can be energetic, sensitive, and kind boyfriends. They are always looking at the world under a fairytale-like gaze and you'll never be bored (or lonely) as long as you can keep up with them.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Oh Aries, the fiery, impulsive, pocket rocket. Aries are very passionate about life; they will launch themselves into an argument for no reason and are desperate for excitement and adventure 24/7. Expect a bumpy ride.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
If you have been living a fast-paced life and need a break, Taurus men will show you how to gain an A+ in relaxation. Their passion lies with a good meal and if the horny bull likes you, they will do anything to make you theirs.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
The twin sign often leads to misinterpretations of your Gem man but don't be fooled, they can be extra loyal when you've won their heart. A very fun man to party with and bounce creative ideas with, it will never be dull with these conversationalists.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
You'll find a Cancer man can be full of emotion which is both a good and bad thing depending on your approach. They may try manipulating you at times and won't open up to you immediately. Prepare to work hard for his love.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Welcome to the alpha of the zodiac. A major softie at heart and very passionate, Leo men, like the lion will naturally acquire attention in any room they enter. They "love love" and don't mind showing a bit of PDA towards their lionesses.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Never one for last-minute plans, the Virgo man is fastidious and will take you on thoughtful dates. He is never wrong, and you might suspect he has OCD. If your life is a hot mess, he's the man to clean it up.
Libra (September 23 – October 23)
Don't be discouraged by his flirtatious nature, if you're the apple of a Libra man's eye, you will find yourself with a trustworthy lover, but if not, you may end up fighting for his attention. If you bring him home, your parents will never stop talking about how charming he is.
Scorpio (October 24 – November 21)
Who is the guy in the corner with an aura of mystery surrounding him? That is Mr Scorpio without the pincers. There is something sensual about him and you can't help but feel drawn to his no-nonsense personality. He loves a devoted partner and craves a challenge to find his prey.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Your Sag man would go to the opening of a wound if it meant a party, he is lovable has a great sense of humour, even making you laugh at a funeral. You'll never find a Sag in one place for long, he is the social butterfly of the Zodiac and commitment is their biggest fear. Playing "hard to get" is the easiest way to lure them in.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Capricorn men will make you understand the term "work hard, play hard". These lads have a strong work ethic and their go to pillow talk is discussing five-year plans. They are particular about commitment in their love life and they won't shy away from proving themselves to you if they think you're worth the effort.
• Written with the help of a real-life angel, I'll respect your anonymity, but I couldn't have done this without you *chef's kiss*