Steve Braunias on Sam Uffindell's gang of four as seen by Christopher Luxon

Sam Uffindell and Christopher Luxon on the campaign trail in Mount Maunganui. Photo / Mead Norton

Opinion

OPINION

The National Party is conducting a far-reaching investigation sparked by this week's revelations that National MP Sam Uffindell took part in a weird kind of ritualised beating of a young boy when he was a student at King's College. Uffindell was among a gang of four, four being the ideal number in weird kinds of ritualised beatings.

"Our investigation is focused on finding the other three assailants," said National Party leader Christopher Luxon, "and offering them a place on the party list."

He said they were "a good fit" with the National Party, and reflected its core values.
"Some of my best MPs are arrogant and entitled men with no sense of public duty."
He had promising leads on the other three thugs.

One is understood to work in the finance sector and has been accused of defrauding vulnerable and gullible senior citizens who have lost their life savings and are now living in cars. "They only have themselves to blame," said Luxon. "You make your own destiny."

Another was an associate of Mark Lyon, who died in prison last week. "He'll be grieving, so we'll give him space to mourn the passing of a friend."

Another is thought to be in Russia. "That's a bit hush-hush."

Luxon said details of the historic incident involving Uffindell and the three psychopaths were sketchy, but he warned against rushing to judgment and conducting a trial by Twitter.

"Trials are best held behind closed doors by an internal investigation."

The incident took place in 1999. Uffindell was 16 and his victim was 13. The younger boy was beaten in a dorm at King's College one night after lights out.

"You've always got to look for the positives in life and even at a glance I can see that the incident actually reveals a lot of good qualities being shown by Sam and his three henchmen.

"It was after lights out. So how did they find their way in the dark to give the boy a thrashing he probably didn't deserve? We may never know for sure but I think it's fair to give them credit for doing what they set out to do."

Another factor in their favour was social cohesion.

"New Zealanders are people who work together to get things done. But not in any kind of socialist collective. Nobody gets anything done in a socialist regime and we're seeing that with this Labour-led government. New Zealand needs to drag itself out of the slough of socialist despond.

"Jacinda Ardern is a socialist.

"It's my bet that the four s***heads creeping around in the dark at King's College that night had a leader. Someone with initiative, and the drive to get things done, just like I got things done when I was chief executive at Air New Zealand.

"Jacinda Ardern is a socialist.
"Was Sam the leader that night when the boy got given a lesson he won't forget in a hurry because that's the lingering nature of physical trauma?
"Or was it instigated by one of the other three assholes? We may never know for sure but I don't think there's any doubt that Jacinda Ardern is a socialist."
Uffindell has been stood down from the National caucus after further allegations about his past behaviour.

If it leads to Uffindell leaving politics, it will cause a byelection in Tauranga. Uffindell won the electorate with a comfortable majority in the last election.
Luxon said it was too early to comment on the prospects of a byelection.

"But if we're a man down, we'll have to find a replacement.
"That will only be decided after careful vetting and a thorough background check. We can't afford to make the same mistake again and again.
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"Already though I have my eye on three likely prospects."

Next week: Diana Wichtel