Something funny for Pope's stocking

By GREG DIXON

'Tis the season for giving and I've thought of a gift for the Pope.

Someone - possibly not a priest, but someone - should send the old fella a box set of Father Ted (TV One, 9.10pm) for Christmas.

I can imagine it. A hush would hang like a heavy cross over the Vatican hall where the Catholic God's representative on Earth unwraps the Popemobile load of gifts that arrives from the world's faithful each December.

In a rush, he'd tear the colourful, tasteless wrapping from the box holding all 24 episodes of this much-loved sitcom, then stare at it briefly before exclaiming in triumph: "Feck, it's just what I wanted!"

Or possibly not.

The Channel 4 sitcom, which first screened in Britain in 1995, is, after all, something of a poor advert for the priesthood.

Its chief protagonists, Fathers Ted Crilly, Dougal McGuire and Jack Hackett are, between them, disloyal, stupid, drunk, conniving, lusting, stupid, drunk, abusive, uncaring, blaspheming, stupid and drunk.

With the Catholic Church's worldly troubles right now, the fact that they are also three of the funniest characters to make it to the small screen might not, as it were, turn them from unholy water into communion wine.

Here's a couple of typical one-liners:

Father Ted: "I'm not a fascist. I'm a priest. Fascists dress up in black and tell people what to do. Whereas priests ... More drink!"

Dougal: "Do you believe in God, Ted?"

You may wonder that the show ever got to screen. On paper it must have seemed like the least promising of ideas: three priests on an island in the middle of nowhere doing nothing, well apart from drinking, swearing etc.

But the set-up is pure gold.

It appears that all three were banished to Parochial House on Craggy Island by their boss, Bishop Len Brennan, for misconduct.

Ted, it seems, stole church funds to run away to Las Vegas. Dougal, meanwhile, is there for some mysterious incident which involved putting a large number of nuns in danger. Jack, an ancient alcoholic who rarely says anything but "feck, arse, girls," was exiled because of his conduct at a wedding which ended with him running off with Emelda, the blue nun. This pretty much set the tone for what follows.

Last week's first repeat episode, Competition Time (which originally was the fourth show to air) had the lads competing in the All Priests Priest Stars In Their Eyes.

Says Mrs Doyle, their tea and sandwiches lady: "You look a bit different father. Have you had a haircut or something?"

Ted: "No, I'm Elvis Presley"

Mrs Doyle: "Are you father? Well, that's a turn up for the books, anyway."

If this doesn't scan for you on paper, well you had to be there. Father Ted is, much like the church, something of an acquired taste - that taste being for utterly brilliant silliness.

Tonight, the boys play host to Father Stone, the world's most boring priest.

"How did you meet him in the first place?" Dougal asks Ted.

"He was introduced to me by Father Jim Dougan. We were at a conference. Dougan came up and said, 'This is Father Stone', and ran out of the building."

Priceless. I'm sure the Pope would love it.