Hey mate, how you holding up? Not good? Terrible skin? Lashing out at your boyfriend and feeling like an unproductive trash bag?
That's okay, me too. Lockdown is not a holiday. It's really hard. So it's completely fair enough if you're at the end of your coronavirus rope and all your First-World, pathetic and unimportant problems are feeling catastrophic.
But we're nearly at the end of level 3, I reckon, so hang in there pal.
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While you wait, let's consider some of the ways lockdown may be messing with your head and heed some soothing reassurance from a completely unqualified, giant lockdown loon - me.
1. I have severe adult-onset acne and am the ugliest person who ever lived on this planet
No, you have a very mild, stress-induced breakout because you're in the midst of surviving a literal pandemic.
I'll also take a wild stab in the dark and guess that:
- Your skin is probably screaming out for vitamin D because you gave up on your afternoon walks in week one (same).
- Your lockdown diet has also predominantly (and understandably) consisted of beige food (same).
- You're touching your face way more out of pure lockdown despair (same).
- You're spending far more time than usual rolling around in bed - plus I bet you haven't upped your sheet washing to counteract this because it's not like you're having any sex are you? (Sorry, sick burn but me neither.)
My hot tips:
Drink a smoothie. Whack a sheet mask on. Go for a walk (after you've finished doing the sheet mask obv, you don't want to give anyone a heart attack) and get a grip my friend. Pimps are temporary, and if your skin was fine pre-Covid I am certain it will return to that state post.
In the meantime, just lie and say your camera isn't working during work Zoom calls – that's what I've been doing and I simply don't care if my boss doesn't believe me.
2. My partner is a self-centred pig and we are honestly just completely incompatible and lockdown has really shown me their true self-centred piggish colours and the second we are released I will Marie Kondo them out of my life because they no longer spark joy for me.
Woah, Nelly! Let's take a breath here. Did you love them to bits pre-lockdown? You did, but now you've been forced against your will to be Shawshank bunkmates 24 hours a day and you're on the verge of shivving them? Fair enough, but that's just lockdown talking, you loon.
We're not MEANT to spend every waking minute with someone in an apartment-sized prison cell, especially when we've been stripped of our independent routines like work, gym and bitching about them behind their backs at bottomless brunches with the gals - so it's fair enough you're at your wits' end.
My hot tip:
As always, I highly recommend suppressing the urge to dump them. Instead, go for a walk and call a mate to vent while you're pounding those pavements in rage.
Just like your skin, if the relationship was hunky-dory pre-covid, I'm sure it'll calm down post. Also remember, there's no point being single on Tinder in lockdown.
3. I've done nothing for the past month besides eat, sleep and rewatch trashy reality TV series. I'm basically a trashy overgrown baby. My brain has turned to mush. Time and space has lost all meaning. Life has lost all meaning. I am no longer a human being. I am a potato.
Listen up kid, and listen good. It's a scary world out there right now, and trashy unrealistic reality TV is an excellent viewing choice for a pandemic.
My hot tips:
Switch on the Kardashians, switch that mushy brain off and enjoy – I promise, your real brain will come back along with your normal adult skin and normal lovely relationship as soon as we get out of lockdown.
In the meantime, don't fret about being a potato – everyone loves potatoes.