How to handle criticism that hits hard in midlife - The Little Things

Humans are wired to focus more on negative information than positive. Photo / Getty Images

In midlife, many people are balancing work, family and long-held expectations of themselves. So when criticism lands, it can hit hard.

Talking to Francesca Rudkin and Louise Ayrey on The Little Things podcast, psychotherapist Kyle MacDonald says the key to navigating midlife criticism is to look beyond what’s being said, and focus on where it’s coming from.

“I think what’s really important with this is to think about the relationship, so where the criticism is coming from and who the criticism or negative feedback’s coming from,” he says.

He suggests asking yourself is the person having a bad day, being thoughtless, or being deliberately mean?

“So that first one … is someone who might just actually be in a bad place themselves … it’s actually about trying to recognise that what’s going on for them is theirs, and I don’t have to pick that up,” he says.

“If it’s thoughtlessness, that’s a little bit more tricky, particularly if it’s a relationship that matters because then it’s about actually trying to let the other person know what they might not be thinking about or might not have in their mind about us that has meant that they’ve lashed out in some way.

“And if it’s someone who is just mean by nature, then it’s kind of the easiest one right? It’s like they’re gone.”

The comments that tend to linger are often the ones that hit close to home.

“That pain - that we commonly think of as having ‘touched a nerve’ - can get in the way of us being able to think through what’s actually being said to us.”

Psychotherapist Kyle MacDonald shares his tips on how to handle criticism on this week's episode of The Little Things podcast. Photo / supplied

MacDonald says self-reflection also has a role to play in working through criticism.

“A lot of times that’s where our growth and learning is, which isn’t easy and it isn’t necessarily pain-free.”

“One of the big difficult bits is actually the more we can increase our own self-awareness, the more we can be honest with ourselves about where our own weak spots are.

“Do we have a tendency to fly off the handle or to get frustrated when we are tired? Or do we have a tendency to get hangry, or are we not very patient sometimes at the end of the day with our kids? Then actually that opens up the possibility of taking responsibility.”

There’s a fundamental biological element to all this too. Humans are wired to focus more on negative information than positive.

“Seeing the world slightly negatively and being slightly fearful is a pretty good survival strategy,” McDonald says.

In everyday life, that can mean a single negative comment outweighs multiple positive ones. MacDonald says one of the most useful things you can do is create space before reacting.

“Always sleep on it, because that slows us down immediately, right? Hopefully most of the time we wake up more regulated the next day than we were the night before.”

He also suggests reframing criticism as feedback, which can be positive or negative.

The goal isn’t to ignore your feelings about what’s been said completely, but to keep them in proportion.

“When that tips out of balance, is what we think of as the self-critical problem,” he says.

Listen to the full episode of The Little Things for more on:

• Why some people spiral after criticism while others can brush it off
• The simple way to tell if feedback is worth listening to
• What your inner critic is actually trying to do

The Little Things is available on iHeartRadio, Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. The series is hosted by broadcaster Francesca Rudkin and health researcher Louise Ayrey. New episodes are available every second Saturday.