Coercion is a dynamic most commonly seen in romantic relationships but can also occur with family members, friends and employers. Photo / Getty Images
From fast-tracking love to policing friendships, a psychotherapist reveals the subtle tactics that can be used to coerce others.
Judgmental, hypercritical and egocentric are words that most of us can apply to someone we have come across in our lives. If that person is an important figure – a partner, family member, close friend or colleague – it could mean you are on the receiving end of a coercive relationship, explains psychotherapist Leah Aguirre.
She has written a book on how to recognise coercion – a behaviour that has not garnered the same level of attention as narcissism but one she has seen play out in her clients’ relationships, as well as her own. She spent eight months with a coercive boyfriend in her early 30s.
While he was complimentary of her life and career when the pair started dating, he “slowly started chipping away at these things that he once admired,” she says. “Everything I did was criticised or questioned but in a nuanced way.”
He became scathing of her work and friendships, as well as the mundane, like her choice of TV shows, which he labelled “shallow and superficial”. The relationship became such a source of stress that Aguirre says she was left with chronic headaches and was constantly on edge and emotional. Her partner said he would be embarrassed to bring her to a work function because of the way she ate. “That was the final straw,” Aguirre says.
“I realised there was nothing I could do right.”
“It’s helpful for me to have this lived experience, as it helps me discuss coercion with my clients,” she says.
“It’s every day and it’s so granular. It’s how you wash the dishes, how you organise your shower. When you spill something, ‘you’re a klutz and thoughtless.’ It doesn’t seem too bad in isolation, but it builds over time until you’re walking on eggshells.”
“Coercion is a tactic to get you to change the way you think, the way you understand your reality and your experience,” Aguirre says. “I equate it to being in a cult. It’s a way to get you to change how you see the world, how you see yourself and how you see your relationship, so you are more easily controlled and manipulated.”
While it is a dynamic that is most commonly seen in romantic relationships, it can also occur with family members, friends and employers, she explains.
“It could happen with a boss who you respect and admire and have learned to see as the authority and accept their words as the ultimate truth,” Aguirre says.
“It is the same thing in family relationships, especially with your parents. They are the people we are supposed to feel safe with and supposed to look to for security and wisdom and guidance, and so they can absolutely abuse this position of power.
“It can happen in friendships too. There are a lot of toxic friendships where one person dominates the relationship and becomes the person who acts as the authority on certain things, like who you should date, what you should do, what is right, what is wrong.”
They fast-track the relationship
Rushing the relationship and pushing connection is common among coercive partners, Aguirre says.
“These folks are craving connection, a partnership, and they want to be seen. There is an obsessive quality of ‘I’m so into you, I’m excited, I want us to have this special thing.’”
As a result, the relationship may move very quickly to begin with, with the coercive party saying “I love you,” eager to make future plans and even moving in within weeks, she says.
It can be tricky to tell at an early stage whether a partner is simply very keen or they are showing signs of coercion. “It can feel really good for the person on the receiving end, especially with online dating these days,” Aguirre notes. “It is nice when someone is consistent and affirming.”
One way to detect whether their behaviour is concerning is to put a boundary in place, such as seeing them twice a week rather than three times, and see how they respond, she suggests. If they make you feel guilty or shame you for this boundary, it is a sign of coercion, she says.
They’re possessive
“Possessiveness is when someone sees you as an extension of them being theirs,” Aguirre says. In a coercive relationship, this can manifest as a partner being jealous, easily threatened and demanding to have a say over everyday decisions.
For example, they might not like you spending time with certain people or talking to your family frequently and use phrases such as “you have to make decisions that I feel comfortable with” or “I have a say in these things,” she says.
Coercive partners may also try to dictate what you wear. It can be an explicit attempt to control your outfits, such as “I don’t want you to wear that,” but it can also be subtle, such as “I like you better in that,” according to Aguirre.
They push against your limits
“You could set a boundary, like that you have to go home early because you have work tomorrow, and they push you to stay out for longer,” Aguirre says. “They don’t respect your limits or your ability to make decisions for yourself. It can start out small and eventually it can be more overt.”
When the coercion is subtle, a partner will not necessarily say “you can’t do that,” but they will often use phrases that cause guilt and mould behaviour to suit them, such as “I guess you don’t care about me,” “I guess you don’t love me,” or “if you really cared, you would do this,” she says.
They have a rigid set of beliefs
Coercive partners use absolute statements and display very rigid, black-and-white thinking, according to Aguirre. “They’ll have their own universal set of rules that they’ll try to impose on you,” she says.
“These folks are usually emotionally immature and don’t have the capacity to think with flexibility, see other people’s perspectives and have empathy.” For example, they may say “I don’t believe you should have male friends.” In a healthy relationship, each partner should trust the other to have friends of the opposite sex, she says.
“They’ll often use language like ‘If you disregard my rules or my boundaries, we can’t be in a relationship.’ They give a lot of ultimatums and imply that if you break these rules, there will be a consequence. It’s posturing.”
They are overly confident
A coercive partner believes they are an authority figure and will be overly confident, according to Aguirre. They will act as if they know better than you and take advantage of the trust you have in them.
“They will often try to intrude on lifestyle habits, like what’s healthy, the type of exercise that’s best, how you wash your dishes, how you organise your things and how you clean up after yourself,” she says. “A lot of it is out of control.”
“There is usually a sense of inflated self-ego and some grandiosity and, not narcissism, but ‘I know better and this is how I see the world,’” she explains.
They make you walk on eggshells
The partner at the receiving end of a coercive relationship is often left having to regulate their behaviour and feels as if they are walking on eggshells to keep their partner happy, Aguirre says. They may withhold information and feel as if they cannot talk about certain topics.
“You learn that, to keep this person happy, you have to avoid conflict,” she explains. “That’s a sign of a coercive relationship, if you are always betraying yourself, not living authentically, because of the fear of consequences, which may be them criticising you or starting a fight.”
Many people dismiss feeling this way because they believe all relationships require work and convince themselves that what their partners are demanding is reasonable, she adds.
All relationships may feature elements of these behaviours, but it is the pattern of all of these traits, and the frequency with which they happen, that determines whether someone is in a coercive relationship, she notes.
Find a way to hit pause
“The first way to untangle yourself from this relationship is to find a way to pause,” Aguirre says. “It can be really hard because those relationships are so chaotic.”
Giving yourself time and space away from this person will help you reflect on how they are acting and how they make you feel, rather than them dictating how you view and understand your relationship, she says. “They can coerce your whole narrative about what is going on in the relationship, so creating space from them is the first thing to do,” Aguirre says.
Confide in friends and family
“Talking and being more open with friends and family is important because it helps with your perspective,” she says. “It also holds you accountable.” Coercive relationships tend to be isolating, so turning to loved ones can offer fresh insight, she notes.
“It’s worth asking yourself, if your friend was in the same relationship, would you be supportive of it? What words of wisdom would you give them?
“If they presented you with this situation, would you say ‘sounds great, sounds healthy’? We are so protective of our loved ones, we need to be more protective of ourselves.”
Set a timeframe for behaviour change
Unlike narcissists, coercive partners are capable of changing their behaviour, but it is rare as it requires them to take accountability for their actions and change their behaviour, Aguirre says. “These people have the mindset of ‘I am the victim and everyone’s wronging me,’” she says.
“You can give yourself a timeline of how long you are willing to wait or what you need to see to make a decision on whether you are staying in the relationship,” she says. “You have to see actual changes and not just superficial or performative changes, like going to one or two therapy sessions.”
“It is always your right to have a limit to your empathy and compassion,” Aguirre adds. “Many people worry that they are abandoning their partner and that it is irresponsible or unkind to leave this relationship. But you are not a bad person for setting limits with someone who is hurting you.”
1. There are open lines of communication
While difficult conversations come up in all relationships, you shouldn’t be fearful of them if you have a healthy partnership, Aguirre says. “You feel like all lines of communication are open, that you can speak freely and that you can communicate your needs, without an underlying feeling of fear or judgement,” she says.
2. You have an identity outside of the relationship
Both parties should feel like they have autonomy and can live their lives outside of their relationship, Aguirre notes. “This doesn’t mean that you don’t want to build a life with someone but you can make decisions for yourself and that they respect your decisions and opinions.”
You should feel like you can have a healthy disagreement on topics and spend time with friends and family without it being an issue,” she adds.
3. There is shared responsibility over disagreements
“In coercive relationships, you’re always at fault for everything,” Aguirre says. In a healthy relationship, both parties will take responsibility if there was a misstep or mistake and neither person will hold a past mistake against the other. “It’s the ability to work through conflict and move forward, not live in the past and let things stew,” she adds.
4. You are equal partners
“Coercive partners really believe that they’re the authority and they have this very rigid set of rules and expectations,” Aguirre notes. “In a healthy relationship, you have an equal say in the terms of the relationship. You both have the understanding that you both have a say.”
Is This Really Love?: Recognising When You’re in a Coercive, Controlling, and Emotionally Abusive Relationship―and How to Break Free is out now.
Leah Aguirre is a psychotherapist based in San Diego, California, who has supported people recovering from trauma and abusive relationships for more than a decade. She specialises in helping patients navigating and leaving unhealthy relationships.