Over time, the small daily niggles chip away at the marital bond. Photo / 123rf
If you always put yourself before your marriage, it might be time to make some crucial changes.
Like a whisper, it’s barely there. Almost unnoticeable but loaded with meaning, the shrouded warning that a marriage is in trouble can be so masked in habit and denial, it stays in the background – until it’s too late.
But the slow drip of negativity is significant, because most of us live acutely in the small stuff. The daily niggles, the too-often turn of a back, the tiny apathetic reactions which chip away at the marital bond. Over time, these subtle actions accumulate, shattering the relationship by eroding trust, connection and intimacy, often bringing the prospect of divorce closer.
Some 80,057 divorces were granted in England and Wales in 2022 – the lowest number since 1971, and a 29.5% drop from 2021. But there has been a rise in divorces among the over-60s, with the number of over-60s legally separating doubling since 1993, according to ONS figures. And while you might think a “grey divorce” will be less devastating for the family, in reality the impact can be all the more profound because of the length of time the family has been together. So it’s not something you want to sleepwalk into.
Spotting early red flags before they completely dive-bomb a relationship could be the answer. Ammanda Major, a therapist and head of clinical practice at relationship support centre Relate, says: “As the years go by, couples can stop noticing what is happening between them. Perhaps the rest of life gets in the way, or an indifference around their connection sets in. But to maintain longevity in a relationship, the commitment to each other should run deep.” So ask yourself: are the hidden patterns in your marriage undermining your relationship and leading you towards separation? Maybe it’s time to make crucial changes.
Do you think of your marriage as a team? While, of course, it’s important for all of us to build autonomy, there is little room in a relationship for selfishness and arrogance. Being in a couple means working towards common goals, considering the other’s needs, and understanding that your behaviour has an impact. So, for example, if you insist on booking weekends away with your friends without consulting your partner, or not bothering to text when you’re going to be late home, it doesn’t take a genius to predict there may be consequences, like a loss of trust or respect or affection. In her book, The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity, psychotherapist and relationship expert Esther Perel writes, “When things are good in a relationship, there’s a spirit of abundance and love that breeds generosity. ‘I did it for us’ makes sense as long as there is trust in that basic unit called ‘us’.” And there lies the crux: the belief that you are in this together. That can be something as simple as thinking in the “we” rather than the “I”.
Major adds: “A lot of problems start to improve when a couple notices there is a disconnection. Being aware of what is actually going on between you is the first step towards building ‘togetherness’.”
How to re-engage
Ask yourself why you don’t exist as a couple. It could be down to practicalities such as having a hectic family life, or is it more that you’ve stopped prioritising time together after 25 years of marriage? Either way, it’s important to dig into the reasons. “Then you can talk about it,” says Major. “And rather than say, ‘You haven’t asked me out for dinner in months’, which sounds accusatory, try, ‘I wonder why we haven’t organised some time together?’ Be curious about the reasons behind the lethargy. This encourages a conversation rather than an argument about what hasn’t happened.”
If you’ve lost interest in each other, that’s not a great sign. You need a basic level of curiosity about your partner to keep the relationship alive. Tina, 62, says, “I’d be with my husband, but we wouldn’t speak much or even look at each other. He’d come home from work, say hello with his eyes averted, then make a cup of tea and walk out of the room. We divorced 18 months ago.”
How to re-engage
“Not communicating can be the start of indifference,” says Major, “When you are curious about someone, it shows them that they are valuable to you. I often talk to my clients about the three-question rule. If your partner tells you something about their day, ask three questions about it. Like, if he says work was busy, ask him if he managed a lunch break, where did he go to eat and what made his time out enjoyable? It’s not about showing an avid interest in his lunch break; it’s more about being interested in him. It confirms you are invested in your partner’s wellbeing.”
A couple of years ago, the actor George Clooney claimed he and his wife of 11 years, the human rights lawyer Amal, never argue. That’s a good thing, right? Well, not always. When a couple can’t be bothered to thrash something out, it could mean they have detached and don’t give two hoots about making a difference to the relationship.
John Gottman is an American psychologist, and his extensive research on marriage and couples has identified the key indicators of relationship breakdown. He claims to be able to predict with more than 90% accuracy which couples will divorce and which will stay together. He cites “stonewalling” as a relationship red flag. This is when a person “withdraws from interaction, shuts down, and stops responding to their partner”.
How to re-engage
Lindsay George, a British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy-registered psychotherapist and counsellor, admits that bringing up grievances is risky, but difficult conversations are essential in a long-term relationship. “Otherwise, problems are never resolved,” she says, “Couples get into silent scorekeeping or they feel isolated and unheard. It’s healthy to get things out in the open. But there is a more positive way of doing it. Rather than react in the heat of the moment, set aside some time to talk. Avoid accusations and instead deeply listen to each other. Try saying, ‘I feel ignored when I explain what I want’, rather than, ‘You make me feel ignored’. Then it’s more about what’s going on in your relationship and not a personal attack on them. Conflict is about learning to bridge the difference between a problem and the understanding of where the other person is coming from.”
It’s easy to label your partner: she’s cold, he’s overbearing, she’s judgmental, he’s lazy. But often behind each marker, there’s a back story. Marian, 52, was devastated when her husband, Niall, stopped instigating sex after 30 years together. “We went from an active sex life of at least a couple of times a week, to nothing for months on end. I’d cuddle him and he’d turn away.” When Marian finally asked Niall what was going on, he confided that his libido was waning and he’d felt embarrassed about losing his erection on a couple of occasions. Marian admits she’d branded him as “aloof” rather than insecure, and her assumptions had created a cavern of misunderstanding between them.
How to re-engage
Think beyond the obvious. Could your partner’s lack of interest be a defensive response to you regularly pointing out his burgeoning belly? Or is his aversion to spontaneous hand-holding related to work stress making him jittery? “A marriage doesn’t just happen,” says George. “Both parties need to invest in it. When I’m in a couple’s therapy session, there’s often a major shift when one of them stops and thinks, ‘Yes, I played a part in that.’ If you are complacent, nothing will change. It’s easy to get stuck in stagnant routines, and even the smallest of incremental steps towards a different approach can save a marriage.”
“Couples who share goodbye kisses, a meal together, casual texts, insider jokes and nicknames tend to do better,” says George, “They may seem like small things, but they are the glue that binds a partnership.” And it’s not about sending a text regularly, or even at all – you may be the sort of couple who just don’t text or chat on the phone when apart. But being connected in an intimate way, unique only to you, is important. It says “us”, and that is the key.
How to re-engage
Dip your toe in the water. Send a cheeky text, book a night out, kiss her cheek in passing. Josh Hudson, a marriage coach, reveals on his podcast, The Marriage Reset, “These small interactions are called ‘bids for attention’. They are little tests that show how connected a couple really are. The couples who thrive are the ones who respond positively to these bids of attention… But for couples on the edge of divorce, even a small exchange can feel stressful because there has been tension beneath the surface for years. The key takeaway is it’s not what you’re saying to each other, it’s what is happening underneath.”
When a marriage wobbles, joint plans can fall by the wayside, and a shared future dissipates. But does the absence of time together mean you are not remotely interested in being a couple? Again, it’s thinking about what is going on a deeper level. If you haven’t been on holiday together for years, this could be a significant red flag – sharing quality time endorses a relationship. But if you simply haven’t organised something for this summer, then the problem might just be an inability to get your act together. It’s also worth noting that time apart can be positive. Esther Perel is an advocate of “separation to stimulate desire”. She believes, “The longing, the waiting, the absence – they create the fuel that ignites erotic connection.”
How to re-engage
However, Perel doesn’t recommend spending too much time apart – excessive distance can damage the relationship, but being together constantly can also stifle it. Solo trips, or even a regular weekly commitment to a separate activity, can have positive outcomes – you miss each other and long for a reunion, plus you’ve built fresh experiences to talk about. Perel stresses the importance of uniting again with affection and renewed excitement and interest. She says, “When you spend time apart, you come back with stories. And stories are what keep the erotic thread alive.”
Highlights from Wairarapa's Smokefree Rockquest Regional Finals 2025. Video / Supplied