Despite the oft-hailed emotional and physical health benefits of regular sex, long-term sexless relationships are surprisingly common.
Before going to sleep, the last thing 54-year-old Graham* does is reach across the bed and kiss his wife Laura* goodnight. This small gesture of affection has endured over two decades of marriage. But for the past six years Graham has retreated to his side of the bed afterwards, feeling increasingly rejected, resentful – and lonely.
“We haven’t been any more physical than that since Christmas 2018, and I’ve given up asking,” admits the Manchester-based solicitor. “On my birthday she proudly presented me with an expensive pair of monogrammed pyjamas – despite me only ever sleeping in boxer shorts since we met in our 20s. I felt part of me shrivel up in that moment because it so precisely summed up how she saw me: entirely sexless. I’m like a comforting old teddy bear in her bed, not a husband or a real man.”
Despite the oft-hailed emotional and physical health benefits of regular sex, sexless relationships such as Graham’s are surprisingly common. By our early 40s, one in five Britons have stopped having sex completely, according to a YouGov poll, a figure rising to 57% by the age of 74. And the frequency of our love-making declines even from as early as our 30s. In the same survey, 38% of 35- to 39-year-olds said they hadn’t been sexually active in the past week.
Some couples may be perfectly content with abstinence, but if celibacy isn’t a mutual decision, it’s likely that one partner will be left hurt, feeling short-changed and doubtful of their spouse’s feelings toward them.
Peter Saddington is a sex and relationship therapist with the UK counselling service Relate who reports sexless marriages as being one of the most common drivers for couples seeking therapy. “They confess that their relationship has been platonic since the birth of their last child,” says Saddington. “When I ask how old their child is, I’m no longer surprised when they say ‘18’.”
A stereotypical cliché it may be, but over 30 years of being a therapist, Saddington admits it “more usually” is the husband most frustrated by the lack of action between the sheets. “Often she will come in saying there’s a relationship issue, but when we drill into it, the crux of the matter lies in him resenting his enforced celibacy.”
Various reasons can be blamed for why sex seemingly evaporates in midlife – hormones, the emergence of health issues, stress and the day-to-day exhaustion of caring for children and/or elderly parents are frequently cited.
Graham describes his former sex life with Laura as “passionate, adventurous and even a little bit naughty”. But while raising their three (now adult) children, sex became less frequent and less fun.
“The last birth was traumatic for Laura, and after that she stopped allowing me to give her oral sex, which I’d always enjoyed and I believed she did,” he says. “At the same time she stopped offering it to me, and without that quid pro quo dynamic, I didn’t like to push it. I yearn for that intimacy we once shared, and in turn I stopped doing little things for her, I suppose, like bringing her tea in bed.
“Sex became perfunctory for Laura, it seemed like a favour she was bestowing upon me – in between the Ocado shop and watching The Crown. When I suggested a different position once, something previously very much part of our repertoire, she rolled her eyes and muttered ‘for God’s sake’. I felt like a pervert and it rather killed the mood. I’m afraid I sulked for a bit and she went off to the bathroom slamming the door. It felt too awkward to talk about, so we didn’t.
“Gradually we went from fortnightly missionary sex, to monthly, to then just special occasions… until it quietly dried up altogether.”
Talking about sex
Not being able to talk about sex openly is an obstacle many couples face. And unsurprisingly, older couples – whose sex education was likely limited to “the birds and the bees”, typically delivered by an awkward school master – struggle with communication the most. In a US study, 49% of baby boomers admitted they’d never learnt how to talk about sex (with 43% saying this would have led to them being more sexually confident as adults). What’s more, in a different American survey of over 1000 women aged 18-94, more than half reported wanting to talk to a partner about sex but deciding not to. The most common reasons were not wanting to hurt a partner’s feelings (42%), not feeling comfortable going into detail (40%), and plain embarrassment (37%).
“Of course it can be harder for older people not used to discussing sex openly together – and that’s when the safe space of therapy can really help,” says Saddington.
For Graham and Laura, behaving with a certain petulance seemed easier than actually finding the language to broach the delicate subject.
“When I was fed up, I offered to de-camp permanently to the spare room ‘as she had no interest in me’,” Graham says. “Then she accused me of being ‘passive aggressive’. I stayed in the bedroom, but that night I stared at her back as she lay turned from me feeling miserable, isolated and yes – bitter.
“We don’t talk about sex now. I don’t even stroke her hair for fear it seems like I’m instigating sex. I’ve tried to love, honour and worship her – she just doesn’t want me to. She complains the menopause is making her tired, but otherwise she seems content with our situation.”
Saddington says that the impact of menopause is “hugely significant” and “not enough discussed”. About 30% of women stop having sex (or have sex much less often) during perimenopause and menopause. And a 2019 study of over 24,000 postmenopausal women (aged on average 64) found that only 22% were sexually active.
Dr Amy Killen, who specialises in sexual health, explains why women’s libidos seem more affected by age than men’s.
“Male sex hormones gradually decline over decades, yet for women they drop off a cliff – so the impact is more noticeable,” says Dr Killen. “At perimenopause (the five to 10 years before menopause) the three hormones estrogen, testosterone and progesterone become erratic, which can affect mood as well as cause changes in the body.”
She also points out that menopause can more generally make muscles stiff and achy, and dropping estrogen levels can lead to weight gain. “So it’s hardly surprising sex becomes less appealing for some women,” she notes.
Saddington believes many of the problems he sees time and again in the therapy room might be softened if men were more educated on the many and various changes their partners were facing. “Remember,” says Saddington, “menopause lasts for years, not months – read and talk about it together.”
The orgasm gap
Research also shows that how men and women feel about celibacy seems to change with age. “Specifically, younger men were more satisfied with celibacy than older men, whereas older women were more satisfied with it than younger women,” says senior research fellow Dr Justin Lehmiller of the Kinsey Institute.
Perhaps the simplest reason for the male sexual appetite remaining more voracious is that they enjoy it more. The Kinsey Institute found that across all age groups, men reported higher rates of orgasm (from 70 to 85%) than women (who rated a less earth-shattering 46 to 58%). There is no data available to suggest whether this is the fortunate biology of men or the unlucky fate of the women who have to sleep with them.
The sexual satisfaction of women has been largely ignored throughout history across films, art and literature, as so memorably demonstrated by Meg Ryan in 1989’s When Harry Met Sally.
“As a society we undervalue women’s pleasure,” says Kinsey’s Dr Amanda Gesselman. “I think emphasising mutual satisfaction, and especially open communication about sexual needs with partners, can really help increase pleasure for most people.”
Most sex therapists would argue that too much emphasis is placed on penetrative sex. In a US study of more than 3000 women aged 60 and up, 60% of survey respondents agreed that intercourse is not necessary for a satisfying sexual experience. Sex that is loving can take many different forms – including cuddling, touching and kissing.
“Ageing should not be a barrier to having sex,” says Killen. “It might be less acrobatic than it once was, but can be just as enjoyable.”
The good news, says Saddington, is that when both parties want to make a change and are prepared to put in the effort, the vast majority of couples can come to a good, working compromise. “When a couple truly cares about each other, it’s possible to get to a stage where one person wants to give the other pleasure – even if it’s something they are not fussed about naturally. It’s when the act of giving that pleasure in itself becomes a form of pleasure for the other person.”
This is not, he firmly emphasises, the same as saying anyone should feel obliged to “lie back and think of England”. Quite the opposite. “This would require a deep level of love, trust and intimacy that wouldn’t work unless both parties very much want to do that.”
At the end of the day, sex isn’t crucial for a good marriage to work, insists Saddington, “but it certainly helps”.
Tips to revive a flagging sex life
Peter Saddington has been a sex therapist with Relate for 30 years. He has the following practical tips for couples to get back on track.
Rule out health issues
The first thing to check is whether this is actually a relationship issue – or whether underlying health issues or a sexual dysfunction are involved. Undiagnosed depression will kill libido, for example. Erection issues can generally be resolved, but should always be addressed with a GP first to make sure they’re not connected with heart problems.
Make time for yourself
For most couples, being in each other’s pockets 24/7 doesn’t bring you closer. Sometimes a man really does need to retreat to the shed or man cave, and she might need to slump in front of the television or see friends (forgive the stereotypes). Recharging the batteries – separately, as individuals – helps couples feel generally more playful about life and sex.
Put boundaries around couple time
Once you’re both more energised and not stressed, is there genuinely an opportunity to actually recognise the other person and remember you quite like them? This is necessary for any sexual relationship to follow. Parents of young children can say they’re constantly ferrying kids to harp lessons, scouts, and swimming galas – then wonder why their marriage is hum-drum. It doesn’t have to be a “date night”, but try to do the things you once liked to do together, be it a gig or a gallery.
Write down your worries
You don’t need to be paying for therapy to do some of the exercises [therapists set]. Try carving out an hour to write down everything that worries you, so together you can unpick the issues. You can’t solve anything until you start understanding and making sense of the other’s concerns. Usually there’s an overlap and you start realising: “No wonder we haven’t got any time/are feeling tired/haven’t met friends/gone out for a drink recently.”
Ditch the tracksuit
When working hard and getting on with life, it’s easy to stop taking pride in your appearance. But if you want to be seen differently by your partner (and for them to find you attractive), you need to put some effort in – as you probably did back when you owned “pulling pants” or a certain lucky shirt. Some grooming and smelling nice goes a long way.
Educate yourself on menopause
This is a significantly common reason for women “going off sex” – and a marriage veering into trouble. Men need to get educated on what their partner is going through – or what lies in store. Mood swings can become exaggerated, and there’s brain fog while juggling working and caring responsibilities. Being tolerant and supportive is crucial, otherwise resentment and bickering is likely. It’s not “her problem”, it’s something to be talked about and managed together.
Accept sex changes over time
It might seem different to how it was, but something that is good enough for where you are now is the thing to aim for. Back then it might have been a few times a week, but would a few times a month be acceptable?
What not to do
Become dependent on porn
Time and again I see this – when sex starts diminishing, men turn to masturbation and using porn. But putting your energy into solo sex means the opportunity as a couple gets lost. If you’re regularly using porn, you start becoming less stimulated during real sex and, once your erection wanes, you’ll soon start avoiding sex. This is an unhelpful cycle, yet common. For those who rely on porn, my best advice is to abstain. If you’re an alcoholic, you cut out booze. It’s the same for porn – losing it altogether is more effective than moderation.
Be tempted to cheat
The next step on from porn is generally an affair. If you’re not getting what you need at home – emotionally and sexually - people start seeking validation elsewhere with someone who makes them feel interesting and exciting again. It’s a no-brainer why this rarely benefits a marriage. I’ve also worked with couples who want to “open up” their marriage – if you’re thinking about this, firm boundaries need to be discussed about how this will look first. I’ve worked with plenty of couples who have tried to improve their relationship this way – but one party falls for the third member… and that creates an altogether different problem.
Take drugs and alcohol
People can turn to both when they’re stressed, and the impact on libido and sexual performance is devastating. I’ve really noticed how much more prevalent it is for men to use marijuana, as well as cocaine and ketamine – and that’s amongst clients in their 40s, 50s and 60s too, not just young men. Drugs have become more readily available and used as common coping mechanisms. But things quickly get out of hand as their tolerance grows, they take more and it becomes such an ingrained habit that’s harder to stop.
Be critical of your partner’s changing body
We all know the effects of age on our bodies, and feeling self-conscious can lead to avoiding sex. Sadly, I’ve witnessed people body-shame their partner, but if someone is lacking confidence in their appearance, being criticised is rarely the best motivation for getting them down to the gym. I’ve seen men get angry and resentful about a lack of sex, then make unpleasant comments about [their] wife’s stomach or breasts – which is incredibly insulting, especially if she has used her body to nurture their children. Therapy is supposed to be a safe space for people to talk openly, but I can’t have heated arguments and accusations – if rows escalate, I suggest separate sessions (in which they can offload to me) would be more helpful until joint conversations can be held respectfully.
*Names changed