Kiwi couples are marrying and divorcing later in life, according to recently released data from Stats NZ. The number of marriages, divorces and civil unions is also steadily decreasing. Fewer people are marrying young, but those who did and are now approaching retirement age are separating or seeking
Silver separation: Why more Kiwi couples are divorcing in their 50s, 60s and beyond
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Kiwi couples are marrying, separating and divorcing at an increasingly older age, according to Stats NZ. Photo / Getty Images
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Amid the process of divorce, she’s feeling “a mix of emotions”.
“[I’ve got] this fear of what the future holds, primarily financially. It’s a real grieving process because of what it should have been and could have been.
“I can’t really restart a career. If I’d done it maybe 10 years earlier, maybe I could have.
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“I’ve got some anger that he didn’t fight for our marriage like I was trying to. On the flip side of that, there’s quite a bit of relief that I’ve made the decision.”
She is just one example of a phenomenon relationship experts are calling “grey divorce” or “silver separation”.
Global statistics show that, while marriages and divorces may be decreasing overall, the number of people separating after 50 is on the rise.
In the United States, 36 per cent of couples divorcing were over 50 as at 2019, according to the US National Centre for Family and Marriage Research. Since 1990, the divorce rate among Americans over 55 has doubled while, for those over 65, it has tripled – one in 10 Americans divorcing today are 65 or older.
In Australia, divorce rates have been falling but, according to a survey conducted by Australian Seniors in December 2023, 32 per cent of Aussies over 50 have considered divorce or separation. The reasons cited include empty-nest syndrome, financial worries and looming retirement, all of which can put pressure on relationships.
What about New Zealand? According to recent data from Stats NZ, fewer Kiwis are getting married – and those who do are marrying later and separating or divorcing later. In 2023, the median age at which Kiwis ended their marriages and civil unions was 48.1 for men and 45.5 for women, while in 2003 it was 42.5 for men and 40.1 for women.
It’s important to note that this data does not take into account the number of de-facto relationships either beginning or ending, so it doesn’t present a complete picture of relationships in New Zealand.
What is ‘silver separation’?
As Auckland divorce coach Bridgette Jackson, of Equal Exes, explains, “silver separation” refers to couples looking to part ways later in life.
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According to Jackson, they are often couples who met at school, married young and stayed together for about 30 years before one or both realised they no longer wanted to be together.
“What we are seeing in my business is multiple couples who have mutually decided to amicably separate,” she tells the Herald.
“There is a pattern where, as an amicable separation, they are not in a hurry, or it is not a priority to finalise their separation with a divorce. Many are happy to be at the point that they are and haven’t felt the need to yet engage lawyers for the final stage.”
Jackson says she saw a “sharp increase” in client inquiries amid the Covid-19 pandemic but now the demographic is shifting. “We are seeing a much higher proportion of inquiry from clients in the ‘silver separation’ age range.
“Of the people we have seen recently, some are around 65 years old and have looked at their life and thought, ‘I might have 20 summers left, I don’t know if I want this for the remaining years’.”
In 70 per cent of her cases, it is the wife seeking a change, while the husband is typically “complacent” and content to stay in the marriage without rocking the boat.
“Some couples have been trying to stay in the relationship for their children’s sake and, for others, they simply cannot afford to separate, financially.”
This means that, in many cases, couples continue to “live together apart”, which, as Jackson notes, is “not for the faint-hearted”.
“What is required is a strong commitment to treat each other with respect, kindness and dignity, however difficult that might be at certain times. Effective communication, firm boundaries, rules and the ability for both parties to manage their emotions in a calm and controlled way are also required on a daily basis.”
Why are more people separating and divorcing in their 50s?
So, what’s driving this trend?
“Globally there has been a sharp increase in separations for people 50 and older. This has largely been pointed at the Covid-19 lockdowns, which forced many couples to reconsider whether they could maintain their commitment into old age,” Jackson says.
Women are more likely to seek a “silver divorce” and tend to be worse off financially, both before the separation and as a result.
“Some women will approach us as they are ‘on the fence’ about staying with their partner and do not proceed. This can be for a number of reasons, such as their ability to be financially independent without their husband.
“She may have not worked for a number of years as she ran the family home and raised the children. She has lost touch with their finances and will not know what they own and owe and has not involved herself in the finances over the years. Of those who approach us, some women have had to ask their husbands for the money to engage Equal Exes.”
The consequences of a divorce later in life also affect women disproportionately, she says. “It is said that 1 in 5 women will fall into poverty following separation or divorce.”
Women are more likely to have custody of children and the costs that come with it. Those 50 or older are less likely to have work experience than their male counterparts, meaning they may struggle to earn money after separation.
Another reason couples are separating later in life is that we are living longer.
“With that, they’re not prepared to spend the next 20 to 40 years with someone they are maybe no longer attracted to, or annoys them, or they find hard to tolerate, as well as other reasons.”
She points to therapist and TEDx speaker Michele Weiner-Davis’s theory of “Walkaway Wife Syndrome”.
Weiner-Davis suggested in a 2008 blog that women can become disillusioned with marriage because they often carry the majority of the mental and emotional load in the relationship.
“The output of emotional labour soon gives way to ‘nagging’ – repeated unanswered pleas for equal contribution to the relationship,” Jackson says.
“Women are rarely reminded to take care of their kids, show up emotionally for their partners or carry out domestic chores. More often than not, certainly according to the research, they just do it.”
This means women can find themselves having to “mother” their male partners as well as their children.
“You get to a stage where you don’t feel like having sex any more because you’re just so tired of constantly asking him not to throw his wet towel on the bed and take out the garbage and you can’t remember the last time he asked you about your life or took you out.”
Their husbands often retaliate by saying that, if they were “nagged” less, they’d be more likely to do as their wives ask, but they’re not “mind-readers”.
“This leads to the relationship starting to break down, with both parties becoming disinterested, sure that their side is right,” Jackson says.
“There are always issues and faults on both sides.”
Is it time for a relationship warrant of fitness?
Taking stock of your relationship regularly can help you avoid a separation later in life. Jackson calls this a “relationship WOF”.
She advises: “Make a plan to connect without distractions and talk about life together. It is a good way to come back to a common viewpoint and aligned goals.”
Regularly checking in with each other can help you figure out if any points of tension in your marriage are coming from within or externally.
It’s important to be transparent about finances. “Both people in the relationship need to know what they own and owe. They should also be both agreeing on the financial decisions.”
It’s important to ask each other the big questions, she says. Is there something the other person does that you really don’t like? What do you love about each other? Are your priorities right? How do you cope with conflict? What does retirement look like for each of you? What are your non-negotiable needs?
In other words, “communicate, communicate, communicate”.
Finally, Jackson shares seven steps to strengthen your relationship now.
Tips for future-proofing your relationship
- Put the relationship first – a couple should be a team and each other’s intimate partner
- Set a high standard of respect – there should be no insults, yelling or putting each other down when you are together
- Try to always see each other’s perspective
- Remember the busy times are not ongoing
- Show each other love and respect
- Accept the ups and downs and focus more on the ups
- Take advantage of professional resources for the health of your relationship and each other. Remember that seeking help is a sign of strength and many appointments and professional support can be sourced and done online.
*Lucy’s name has been changed to protect her identity.
