Ever found yourself taking a break from a spot of DIY work on your home, enjoying the serene vista of Auckland harbour, when out of nowhere your "seamless" underwear busts at the seam?
Ironic, I know.
Now before I get started with my cautionary tale, I do certainly have a booty, but I also know my size and buy accordingly.
So keep that in mind before posting your clichéd comment. Mmmkay?!
Seamless underwear seems like a wonderful idea. In fact, for the most part, these hidden gems are the only thing this anonymous writer will wear.
The appeal's all there: They're comfier than a g-string but with the same effect, sitting close to the skin so you can wear them under tight garments while avoiding the dreaded VPL (Visible Panty Line).
But on two different occasions, with two different brands, my seamless underwear has ripped right through their only seam - which runs across the crotch. Yeah.
The first time this happened to me, I was three hours in to a 12-hour flight from Auckland to LA. My partner and I happened to have a spare seat next to us, so I pulled my legs up to sit cross-legged and chill out.
Then it happened. A sudden, eerily quiet ping. Sheer shock spread across my face as my underwear ripped apart.
It's hard to explain the feeling of your underwear splitting underneath you and realising no amount of MacGyvering - with the exception of tying an extremely uncomfortable little knot - can fix the fabric now hanging aimlessly under your drop crotch track pants.
I know: hell of a pants choice for such an incident.
Mortified as I was, I thought that would be the first and last time my seamless undies let rip.
Alas, this weekend, it happened again.
I was walking around my house when another pair of the seamless sinners split the entire way across. Nothing left attached, it was a clean break.
Now a two-time victim, at this point I decide I mustn't be alone in this. There has to be thousands of suddenly crotchless women walking the earth in search of a pair of less breezy underwear.
Naturally, I took to the internet. Here I found many scathing reviews from women whose underwear had let them down when they needed it most.
For example the Victoria's Secret "No Show Cheekster" included the following review on the company's website:
"Yesterday while wearing these they ripped straight across the crotch area, today I was folding laundry and I noticed another pair ripped the same way in the same spot. Two pairs down in less than 24-hours."
And then there was this poor woman who wound up in splitsville while trying to get her #fitspo on:
"I just threw my SEVENTH pair in the trash after only a few months of wear. All tearing at the crotch area. Was in an exercise class when it ripped all the [way] across in half. It was horrifying. After some googling, it looks like I'm not the only one with this problem. Never again."
I get it, I really do. But would I buy seamless underwear again? Probably.
Will another pair rip at an inopportune time? I mean, it seems likely, doesn't it?
Will I risk it all in order to avoid the fashion crime that is a VPL? Of course I will.
Because as Urban Dictionary notes: "VPL damages the aesthetic beauty of a fine rump, and can be very harmful to a woman's health."
Say no more, Urban Dictionary. Say no more.
*For obvious reasons, this author wishes to remain anonymous
• Read more: The underwear mistakes we're all making