This paragraph wanted to be just the words "Ha ha" many times over - but let's have a strong coffee and give it another try. So, you're not a teacher, and you had to find out the hard way. Samesies. We've heard the hackneyed nonsense, "Those who can, do, those who can't, teach." What we now know is that "those who can't teach are me". Can we, in all seriousness, raise a glass (go on, what's one more) to the teachers, those blessed paragons who somehow can, and do, take the feral nonsense that is our offspring and drag them from Room on the Broom to Harry Potter? Until those saints come marching into the classrooms again, it's on us to crayon the "Maths Superstar" certificates and present them at fake assembly for an audience of soft toys.
Chores
Oh, my sweet summer child. There aren't going to be any chores done this week. Is this the week your 5-year-old learns the value of family responsibility by chipping in on the bedmaking? No. But are they going to help you carefully fold their hundreds of tiny leggings, soft and warm from the dryer? Also no. Are they going to get back here and finish mashing these damn bananas? Lol no. YUCKY! Maybe they'll run the vacuum over the same piece of carpet 17 times - but only because they saw it scares the cat.
Family game day
Remember when you dreamed of family games? Nutritious snacks, the TV off, everyone laughing and deeply engaged in a rousing game of Uno. Now that your days stretch like endless chasms in the pits of eternity, you've so much time for games! Except it's more fraught than you thought. Most games are kind of awful. Your kid isn't old enough to read the Cluedo cards and, really, shouldn't the police be involved in this murder scenario? Should we really be traipsing through all these rooms if the Billiard Room is a crime scene? Scrabble is out for the same reason. Not because of the reading issue but because it's absolute murder and the police should be involved. Monopoly is only useful if you're trying to introduce a teaching moment about why we're due for a revolution, for example, the fact that some people have a Billiard Room. You could play Happy Families - but only with the deepest irony.
Scream time
At some point you'll have to park them in front of a screen so you can answer just one email. It will feel like you've earned these five minutes but, like tiny little angry gods, your sacrifices mean nothing to your children. They've SEEN this episode of Bluey and they want the one with the slide. There are 104 episodes of Bluey and at least 67 of them feature a slide, yet none of them have "slide" in the title. Is it the one where that little silent pug picks his nose on the slide? The one where Bandit hilariously blocks the kids from using the slide? The one where Bluey's parents are better parents than you? That's all of them, get over it and let Bluey raise your kids like the rest of us do.
Well, best of luck!
There you have it. You can try - and you will try and bless you for trying - but you're doomed. Be so, so gentle with yourself and with them, because what does it really matter? In the grand scheme of things, there is no grand scheme of things, just more banana muffins. Count your blessings. Then count them again, one's still playing hide and seek and you forgot to find them.
