How can you help equip your kids to be okay when they move out of home?
If you’re a parent to teenagers who have finished their final year of school, chances are they’re thinking about flying the nest soon.
But, as they begin planning their next steps after leaving secondary school – and the family home – to pursue fulltime work, university study or a trade, how can you help them transition smoothly into the next stage of their lives?
A study conducted by Talbot Mills Research for HelloFresh in September found 77% of the 1130 Kiwis aged 18 and over surveyed said it was “very important” that kids learned to cook before they left home.
And 60% thought Kiwi kids today are less likely to learn basic cooking skills at home than they did at the same age.
Registered psychologist Jacqui Maguire has created a list of the key skills kids need to have before they leave home, including meal planning, budgeting, making appointments, doing laundry, time management and more.
So, how can you help equip your kids for living independently when the day comes?
There are huge benefits to spending time educating your children on how to live in the world, Maguire tells the Herald.
“I think lots of parents want to be able to do that. But the reality is, they’re busy, they’re tired and they’re probably trying to do things as fast as possible just to get through the day. To survive in this economy and the way the world looks now, many households are dual-income households.
“Alongside that, many families live geographically distant from their own family of origin. So, you’ve got busy families that can be isolated or doing it alone, which means for many parents, you are in ‘get through’ mode or survival mode.”
We might have less time to teach these practical skills than previous generations, but they’re still crucial for our mental and physical wellbeing, she says.
“Life skills are critically important for our young people to learn. Not only because it’s valuable for them going forward and out of home, managing [their way] through the world, but when you learn skills, it gives you a sense of mastery,” Maguire says.
“Mastery improves mental health. [If] you feel able in one area in your life, you’re more likely to transfer that mindset to another area of your life, meaning you’ll give things a go or have that feeling of accomplishment, the belief that you can.”
As a mum of three daughters, Maguire has her list of what she wants them to know by the time they’re old enough to fly the nest.
“I want them to have a good sense of themselves and what’s important to them. I want them to be able to understand the realities of adult life – how do you budget? How do you look after your body? What people equal good friends?
She says skill sets around problem-solving, navigating challenges, caring for yourself and having self-awareness around what matters in life are vital.
“When you look at learning theory, from a family unit perspective, you learn by observing what your parents role-model and by joining in. If you’ve got habits that are part of your family, then you’re likely to take those habits through to your own adult life.”
When Maguire first moved out of home, she “couldn’t cook anything”, though both her parents were keen cooks.
“But I wasn’t a part of that process. Which means that here you are, at 18 or 19, trying to navigate your way through the world and I didn’t know how to make toast,” she says with a laugh.
“So, I think it’s a lovely thing to be able to do, not only preparing your kids to be able to launch into adult life, but also it gives you connection time. In the busy way we’re living, I think connecting through everyday activities gives you bang for your buck in terms of your time.
“I want to be closely connected to my children. I want us to have a time where they can feel like they can talk to me about their day, or we can have enjoyment together. I think you can do that in the everyday. You don’t have to pay to go out to the movies or pay to do an activity.”
Her daughters, who are 6 and under, are “the most happy when they are helping”, she says – whether it’s with hanging out the washing, watering the garden or getting involved in the cooking.
It can be a challenge to maintain that interest once kids reach adolescence, Maguire notes. But at this age, it’s important for them to start practising autonomy.
“I know a lot of families that split cooking nights up. [For] children from about 14 and above, it’s like, ‘Monday’s your night and here’s the recipe, here’s all the food, and I’m available if you need help’.”
She says it’s about providing the autonomy for them to give it a go themselves, and a positive expectation that you believe they are able to do it.
“When you look at resilience, mental health and wellbeing research, when you provide a message to young people that you believe that they’re capable, they often rise to the challenge. It’s really important for young people to feel like they’re believed in.”
They may get things wrong, but that’s important for creating independence.
“[Let them] start to do their own washing when they get to high school and find out what it’s like when you put your colours and your whites together,” she says.
“You won’t know what you enjoy unless you give things a go. So, gardening, cleaning, cooking ... some people get some quite good emotional regulation from [those things]. It’s mindful; there is a link between some of those life skills and our mental health.”
This can start with simply including your children in some of those household activities at a young age.
“My advice is to not overlook connection that’s available in the day to day and the value you can provide your children in passing on very valuable life skills that, as an adult, you might not think twice about,” she says.
Maguire suggests shifting your mindset; instead of viewing these things as “boring life admin”, look at them as learning opportunities.
“Can you shift that in your mind and use that as a way of connecting with your children and upskilling them, so that you are raising capable, autonomous, resilient adults?
“Can you look for moments on a daily basis where you can encourage them to connect with you? The secondary bonus being that you’re also adding to their skill set kete for life.”
Bethany Reitsma is a lifestyle writer who has been with the NZ Herald since 2019. She specialises in all things health and wellbeing and is passionate about telling Kiwis’ real-life stories.