One Day You'll Thank Me: Why working parents can't 'have it all' - clinical psychologist

For those who have parented through the pandemic years, working from home has left many with a sense that they can't switch off or pay full attention to their children. Photo / Getty Images

Welcome to the Herald's parenting podcast: One Day You'll Thank Me. Join parents and hosts Jenni Mortimer and Rebecca Blithe as they navigate the challenges and triumphs of parenting today with help from experts and well-known mums and dads from across Aotearoa.

As every working parent knows, the juggle is real: trying to pursue a career and support your family while being present for your kids can often feel impossible.

On today's episode of One Day You'll Thank Me, clinical psychologist Jacqui Maguire discusses the challenges and guilt experienced by working parents and explains why we can't do it all – and that's actually okay.

"I don't think anyone can juggle everything," Maguire says. "... the quest or the never-ending hope that we can do that is an accumulation of pressure we put on ourselves but has been highlighted to us through society.

"The pressure of, how do we be a good mum, partner, wife, friend, daughter, sibling? It's unachievable, in my view, to be nailing every aspect of those."

As we know, Covid has impacted myriad facets of life, not least, the plight of the working parent.

For many who have parented through the pandemic years, working from home has left them with a sense that they can't switch off or pay full attention to their children. The dual pressure can leave some feeling on the brink of burnout.

"We know, from psychological research on long-term crisis - and I think we can all say the last two-and-a-half years is classified as long-term crisis - that burnout is one of the key symptoms or impacts."

She says, as a population, we are fatigued and low on energy " ... then you add on top, I suppose the mental load, on parents, the expectation of trying to do it all, of juggling roles. The question becomes, what do we do about it?"

Often, says Maguire, managing burnout involves reviewing our "internal standards". "Sometimes our internal standards, the belief systems we have, like, 'When life is tough I will just work harder, be stronger, keep being there for others, put others in front of myself, put my self-care last ...'" can be what detrimentally affects us.

Maguire points to an analogy used by the New Zealand Defence Force called "the four burner model".

"Picture the four hobs on top of an oven and imagine one is work, one is family, one is health and one is friends. This model says if you really want to be outstanding in one of those four areas, you have to turn another burner off ... basically it's a picture of why we cannot do it all. Let's stop trying to."

It can also be helpful to identify how we like to work - because the current hybrid model isn't ideal for everyone.

"What we know about human beings is that we like routine and structure. What I think has happened with flexible or hybrid working is that the lines have blurred. The biggest thing that screws us over is our inability to switch off."

For parents who like working from home, they can effectively integrate work with parenting. But for others who might define themselves more as a "segregator", current practices are really challenging.

A "segregator" is most effective when they're able to focus solely on work, or solely on their home life. Clear division of tasks allows them to avoid stress, "manage roles or enable them to be present with their kids," says Maguire who adds that in her own life, where she is self-employed and works part-time, she has a very clear message on her out of office emails: 'I mum first and work second … '. And people respond really well. I hope it's good role-modelling."

Parenthood can also have an unexpected impact on our sense of identity and how we feel about our career dreams once we begin wearing that extra hat.

"I know people who presumed they'd love to stay at home and nest and Martha-Stewart mother. And they've wanted to go back to work. Conversely I've had really career-driven friends that have decided not to go back into the workforce ...

"For those wanting a work identity, a huge amount of guilt can come with that," she says. "You know, 'I shouldn't feel like this. I should want to stay at home with my kids. I should be able to manage X, Y and Z'. From my psychology and therapy point of view, shoulds are just bloody unhelpful. What is the benefit of a should?"

ODYTM hosts also spoke to broadcasting star, mother and grandmother, Raylene Ramsay, who shared how she juggled her radio career with raising two children and reveals she turned down a hosting role to maintain balance with her family.

• For more of Ramsay's story and Maguire's insights tune in to today's episode of One Day You'll Thank Me below.

• You can follow the podcast at nzherald.co.nz, iHeartRadio, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.