Divorce isn't always a bad thing for kids, who often get more quality time with both parents following divorce. Photo / Getty Images
Divorce isn't always a bad thing for kids, who often get more quality time with both parents following divorce. Photo / Getty Images
Welcome to the Herald's parenting podcast: One Day You'll Thank Me. Join parents and hosts Jenni Mortimer and Rebecca Blithe as they navigate the challenges and triumphs of parenting today with help from experts and well-known mums and dads from across Aotearoa.
This week on ODYTM Jenni Mortimer and guesthost Damien Venuto, host of The Front Page and father of two-year-old daughter Danila, speak to a separation and divorce expert about how to navigate parting ways when you have kids in the mix. They learn why, in some cases, two homes can be better than one for your children.
Bridgette Jackson is a Kiwi mum of four who went through "a very high-conflict divorce" that "cost half a million dollars and took five years to settle".
At the end of it, she decided there had to be a better way for people to get through a marriage break-up. So Jackson, a lawyer, became a divorce and settlement strategist and founded Equal Exes to help Kiwi couples and families navigate the best outcomes from a divorce.
She features in today's episode of the Herald's parenting podcast, One Day You'll Thank Me, talking about the trends in divorce and the dos and don'ts when it comes to protecting your children.
Finances are having such an impact on households that she is seeing a trend in people staying in relationships they're unhappy in because they couldn't keep afloat if they were to get out of them.
"They cannot afford to be in two separate households. That obviously comes with a lot of ramifications and boundaries and rules. For example, when third parties come into play and you're still living in the same house," says Jackson.
Guest host of the podcast Damien Venuto asks if this points to a potential return to historical behaviours where people stay in relationships for longer than they want to because they simply can't afford to leave.
"That's a ramification of Covid and we're going to continue to see that over the next couple of years," says Jackson.
Jackson says that first and foremost, honesty is crucial when it comes to your children.
"When you're living in the same household, regardless of what age children are, they feel the tension. It's very difficult to hide a relationship that's less than mediocre. Even just with body language and parents potentially having no intimacy between them.
"So honesty is really important."
However, there are also "things that children shouldn't know: whether there's been an affair, for example. The financial situation. Those sort of things should not be discussed."
It's important to reiterate that the decision to divorce is in no way the fault of the children. Jackson says it's important to tell them that "Mum and Dad still love you very much and will always love you. And your life is going to continue positively.
"Children need that clarity and stability when they're going through that process."
Podcast host Jennifer Mortimer, whose parents parted when she was 13, says growing up in the 90s, there seemed to be a taboo around the topic of divorce.
"The ideal was that your parents were together and you had a lovely home and you had friends round for sleepovers and it was all happy days. But in my experience, parents staying together isn't necessarily always a good thing."
As well as becoming a better parent, there can be some real positives for children if a divorce is navigated well, says divorce and settlement strategist Bridgette Jackson. Photo / Getty Images
Jackson says, "We have got to change that stigma... divorce, separation, can be a positive thing".
She says a lot of people actually become better parents.
"They learn to become very self-sufficient after a divorce. They learn to problem-solve. They get more quality time with both parents if there's a custody arrangement.
"Potentially the father hasn't been as involved in the past as they are now. There are lots of positives. Children have empathy for others because more than 50 per cent of the population are getting divorced and separated now, it's a trend. Nobody is untouched by divorce and separation these days."
Venuto points out that as much as we may have this notion - thanks to Gwyneth Paltrow's promotion of "conscious uncoupling" - that divorce can be a gentle progression to a new life, in reality there are often a lot of intense feelings to navigate through and protect your children from.
Jackson says there are many mistakes people can make in the process and the biggest challenge is indeed "managing your emotions".
"You learn a lot about yourself, and what I say to clients is: 'You need to have no regrets. You need to fast forward six months, 12 months, three years from now. Are you going to regret the way you've acted in this process?'
"Because at the end of the day, the ones who are affected are your children. You need to be acting in the best interest of them. The more high conflict and the longer it goes on, the more detrimental and traumatic it is to the children."
• To find out more about navigating divorce and separation to achieve the best outcome for any children involved, listen to today's episode of One Day You'll Thank Me below.
