Everyday affection and scheduled intimacy can restart a stalled sex life. Photo / 123RF
Things cooled off in the bedroom? We spoke to four experts with differing perspectives for practical ways couples can regain intimacy.
According to experts, a sexless marriage is defined as a couple having sex less than 10 times per year, and couples in sexless marriages consider divorce more often than couples who have regular sex. Research from Relate suggests that up to half of all marriages in the UK fall into this category. So what can you do if you’re one of them?
“One of the most surprising pieces of advice sex therapists give to married couples who are struggling in the bedroom, is to temporarily stop having sex,” says Dr Justin Lehmiller, a senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute and author of Tell Me What You Want.
“If the sex you’re having isn’t really working for anyone, having more of it isn’t going to help. Sometimes the answer is to take a break and focus instead on just connecting with your partner. Focus on physical intimacy that doesn’t have any sexual expectations or pressure attached. For example, take turns giving each other a massage, or just gently tracing the contours of their body. Relax, and focus on sensation and sensuality. Taking sex off of the table for a little bit to provide an opportunity to rebuild your connection is one of the most powerful things couples can do to get their sex lives back on track.”
While it’s healthy for couples to feel relaxed around each other, be mindful that comfort is the killer of lust, warns Peter Saddington, a relationship therapist.
“Instead of watching Netflix and breaking wind in front of one another, try channelling the excitement you once had. Start by sitting together for an evening, perhaps over wine, telling the other person what you liked back in the day. Focus on the small details of attraction – from the way they smelt to how they wore their hair. Then, the next time, dress up, go out for a meal and make an effort to feel and look special for them. What you’re likely to find is that flirting will return, which will lead to feeling more sexual, and you can reignite something that’s perhaps been lost for a while.”
In between the demands of work, children or grandchildren, cooking and general modern life, it’s common for ‘nookie’ to take a back seat. But as Saddington says, “scheduling in regular time to be intimate – yes even booking it in your Apple calendar – is often the only way it’s going to happen for couples in 2025”.
This isn’t making sex boring, he insists, instead it’s making a commitment to maintaining the relationship. “It’s acknowledging that even when we may not feel like it, we understand the importance of being connected sexually. So if Saturday nights are ‘your night’, you’ll put effort in making it special, whether that’s showering together, or just making sure you have a house free of children and interruptions. Above all it’s making a statement that your physical relationship is important, and it doesn’t let gaps appear which can then normalise not having sex at all. Rarely do two people hit their sexual peaks simultaneously without some planning.”
Once you start feeling taken for granted, you in turn stop making an effort and it becomes a vicious circle, says Saddington. That needs to be broken. “You can’t go from a sex drought to suddenly expecting to be swinging from the chandelier together. Any frostiness that’s developed between you needs to be thawed, starting with a gentle simmering of affection – that isn’t in a pressuring sexual manner,” he adds.
Saddington suggests that every time you leave the house (and come back) make a point of having a kiss or a cuddle, and find a way to compliment them, making sure it’s personal and genuine. “Whether it’s an arm squeeze, or a tender kiss on the mouth, it’s done without any intention of it leading to sex, but more getting you both used to reclaiming intimacy with small gestures.
“Make a point of saying, ‘that colour looks good on you,’ or send a WhatsApp saying, ‘can’t wait to see you later’ or send a picture of something silly you’ve noticed saying ‘this made me think of you’. Recreate some of the behaviours from the beginning of your relationship – sending the message ‘I’m thinking about you’. Feeling closer to the other person emotionally is when intimacy starts creeping back in.”
Lose the idea of always having an end goal. Having the best time together in the bedroom (or car, kitchen counter, whatever your preference) isn’t always about the orgasm, says dating expert Fidel Beauhill, aka the Modern Man Coach. “Most couples don’t have bad sex because they’re doing something wrong, they have bad sex because they’re trying to get somewhere,” says Beauhill. “We’re obsessed with goals in the bedroom – the orgasm, the climax, the big finish – but often these pressures are exactly the thing that’s getting in the way of genuine intimacy.”
Slowing it down, he suggests, will benefit both parties, especially from midlife onwards.
“Tantric teachings have known for centuries that the act of making love is less about achievement and more about connection. For that to happen you need to take orgasms off the table, at least temporarily.” Both partners might explore the concept of “edging” together (purposely delaying the point of gratification), not just to improve the intensity of any eventual climax, but to deepen the bond. “Men might assume edging is mostly about them lasting longer, while this is generally helpful as women do biologically take longer to climax, it’s also about savouring the build-up and growing a sense of anticipation. Anticipation is a real aphrodisiac in sex.”
And slow sex doesn’t mean it has to drag on for hours. “If you’ve only got 10 minutes, it can still be powerful. Use it to tease, to kiss, to breathe together, to share proper eye contact, to giggle and hug, let it be about the moment, not the outcome. Long-term desire needs tension, not pressure. Notice that difference.”
Loving sex is a game to be shared and enjoyed together, but not necessarily always in the same session. “Modern lovers can fall into the mistake of attempting to make sure both parties are always catered for. Of course you should think about each other. But it’s also OK – and even preferable – to sometimes take it in turns to be selfish. One night is all about her, and she returns the favour another time.” This makes the art of giving and receiving less transactional, says Beauhill. “Instead of my turn, your turn, this builds more trust, generosity and playfulness in relationships.”
Tracey Cox, the author of Great Sex Starts at 50, says that just sharing fantasies together can be just as exciting (and potentially less damaging) than trying out risqué scenarios in real life.
“Both parties need to be reassured that wanting variety is different than being bored,” says Cox. “It doesn’t mean your partner is unhappy with the sex you’re having if they’re having thoughts about a very different kind of sex or dreaming about something new. Instead of feeling threatened, embrace it and be curious.”
The key here, she says, is avoiding judgment or ridicule. “Whether you want to allow them to talk about it or actively play into it, say, by introducing role play or dressing up, is up to you. Let yourself go a little. If it doesn’t float your boat, don’t fear that’s what your partner really wants. One of the greatest myths about fantasies is that they’re suppressed wishes. They’re not. Most are conjured up purely for sexual entertainment, and very few of us have any desire to act them out.” If you’re too shy to speak it out loud, Cox suggests writing it down and swapping pieces of paper when you’re having some intimate time and are feeling playful to maintain the spark.
The initial flush of lust carries you a long way initially, says Cox, but once that wears off, technique becomes paramount she insists. “At the start, when we were frisky and getting to know someone physically, we likely ‘checked in’ with sentences such as ‘does that feel good?’ and naturally offered feedback, ‘Aaah, that’s so nice..’. But as we get used to each other – we get lazy.”
Happily, insists Cox, sex skills can be learnt or mastered. “It’s never too late to refresh the basics, ask what they want and follow instructions. Their preferences may have changed over time and it’s worth both being updated.”
You might think “manually pleasuring” someone (shall we say) is an activity best left for teenagers, but sharing these small, low-effort pleasures together can pay dividends for feeling connected overall in any marriage. Cox suggests the best way of making sure your technique is good is by asking your partner to show you how they like to masturbate and copy it as closely as you can. And neither should couples relegate oral sex to being “something they used to do”.
“Of all the sex acts, it’s arguably the most intimate and of the first things to fall by the wayside over time – it shouldn’t. Have a bath together and build-up from there, it’s about not shutting the door on things and rediscovering pleasures together.”
It’s how most women have their orgasms and a great thing to do when one of you wants sex and the other isn’t so keen on participating themselves, but are happy to give pleasure.
Sex shouldn’t end with the act of orgasm, a post-coital cuddle will cement the happy hormones, says Dr Lehmiller. “If you like to spoon, cuddle or otherwise express intimacy for each other, the odds are you are happier in your relationship.” In longitudinal research on couples’ post-sex behaviour, it was found that being affectionate after sex increases both sexual and relationship satisfaction over time. “Interestingly, there was no difference in gender, with both men and women reporting a satisfaction boost in post-sex cuddles, in fact it may even be more important than the duration of felt satisfaction during foreplay or sex,” adds Lehmiller.
It goes without saying, of course, that the more satisfied a couple are post-sex, the more likely they will be motivated to have more sex.
Charlie Davies-Carr is now 19, studies law and hasn't bitten any fingers 'in a long time'.