Nicola Alpe: What they don't tell you about motherhood

You'll never sleep again. Well, you will, but your sleep will forever be changed. Photo / Getty Images

It's Mother's Day this weekend. Stores will do a roaring trade in bath bombs that can inflame delicate areas and boxes of chocolates will fly off the shelves, even though Mum has pledged to cut sugar again after a late Easter.

Where would we be without our mums? For one thing, we wouldn't be here but that's a chicken and egg scenario which I won't go into. For some, motherhood comes easily, unplanned or without a single setback. For some, motherhood takes intervention with stress and heartbreak along the way. For others, and for various reasons, motherhood doesn't come at all or it comes and goes. And anyone for whom Mother's Day is a day of sadness or stress for any reason, I'm not alone in saying that my heart breaks for you. We see you.

Expectant and new mums are on information overload but as the years slip by and the baby years pass, the needs and challenges change. Here is some of what I've learnt, or I wish I'd been told. Did they tell me, and I just didn't listen? Most likely, although I will plead exhaustion as my defence.

1. You'll never sleep again

Well, you will, but your sleep will forever be changed. Once I slept for 16 hours with an apartment block being constructed right outside my window. Now, as my friend says, I wake up at a bee's fart. The mum sleep. We can be midway through a deep or REM cycle and the moment we hear a rustle from our child's bedroom or, in my case recently, the delicate splash of a midnight vomit onto hotel room carpet, we are up and ready to go. Embrace the new normal, it's the only way to survive.

2. The art of the deal

You don't need to read Trump's book, but you can add negotiation skills to your CV because nothing tests your abilities like a child. When it comes to it, we try anything we can to get them to eat, take a rest, get off the iPad, let us use the toilet in peace, exit a playdate without it all falling apart, or do their reading homework.

When the kids are young, make the most of being able to physically pick your child up and carry them to where you want them. And definitely make the most of the days when your young child will eat whatever you put in front of them. It's like the boom/bust cycles of the economy and you can't stay in a boom forever.

3. It's a lesson in tolerance

Your patience and your tolerance will be tested like never before. You are, at times, trying to reason with a completely unreasonable person. You will love your child fiercely but that doesn't mean you will like them all of the time. Even the easiest child can test your patience something shocking - and don't get me started on other children. You may tolerate them but there is no rule to say you need to like every child you come across either.

4. Create an inner circle

The inner circle is for information sharing, made easier and more prolific with family and group threads. Your child is obviously brilliant, kind and hilarious, but not everyone will appreciate this because their children are also brilliant, kind and hilarious.

Create an inner circle consisting of a few receptive family members, maybe a couple of very close friends and definitely grandparents. Grandparents are, aside from parents, the only people will who think your child is more brilliant, kind and hilarious than they actually are.