Guys, remember four weeks ago when we were low-key thrilled at the prospect of a month at home, so we could FINALLY get all our never-ending "life admin" done?
We could finally colour co-ordinate all the sad single soup cans in our pantries and bake banana bread even though we don't like banana bread. We could finally clean all the festering coffee cups out of our cars. We could finally do those Wasgij puzzles that have been collecting dust in the garage - the ones our aunt gave us for Christmas 11 years ago when all we actually wanted was cash.
Remember when we were also low-key thrilled about the fact we could no longer be tempted by Ubereats and KFC? We could finally dedicate entire Sundays to meal prepping revolting smoothie bowls and bone-dry chicken breasts. We could FINALLY get the rock-hard, prison body of our dreams.
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Now, if you actually achieved all that - I tip my hat to you. (The literal hat I now wear 24 hours a day to cover up my lockdown, Cruella-esque roots).
But if, like me, you've achieved nothing noteworthy this entire month beyond eat so much beige food that your jeans no longer do up (not even when you're doing that "lying down, zippy up, slithery worm dance on the bed" technique) - you're not alone. And also, who cares? You got through a pandemic, Babes, that's more than enough.
Still feeling crap.com? I knew it. Well here's more things that you may have planned on doing and didn't "achieve" and me neither, so, who cares?
1. Okay, so you didn't bake anything, not even one loaf of banana bread
Neither. Not a scone, not a muffin, not even one of those Betty Crocker pre-made cake mixes from the supermarket. I mean I bought one and all, but I just ate the raw mixture, and I have zero regrets.
You did too? That's absolutely fine! Look at us go, supporting the economy and essential workers and the Crocker family.
2. Okay, so you baked heaps, but you meant to deliver it to your neighbours and then you accidentally ate it all yourself
Also absolutely fine, best to err on the side of caution re: neighbour visits - and actually a sensible decision to stockpile food inside your tum when you consider how hectic those supermarket lines have been, am I right?
3. Okay,, so you still haven't cleaned the coffee cups out of your car and now you can't open the door without passing out from the smell.
100 per cent okay, same. But who needs a car these days anyway? Throw the whole thing out. We're still in level 3 so you've really got nowhere to go beyond out to get takeaways now that we're allowed.
And remember last week when I told you how important fresh air is? So go for a stroll to get your wicked wings, just remember to stay a couple of metres away from your passerby-ing neighbours (I do this all the time anyway, even pre-lockdown, just because I can't be bothered making small talk)
4. Okay, so you planned on doing those virtual Les Mills classes every day to lose 5kg, but you didn't do any of the classes and you put 5kg on instead from all that raw cake mix and wicked wings.
Same! Also sensible really, when you consider we are in the midst OF A PANDEMIC, makes sense for your body to hold on to weight in case you need to fight off the disease or something. Great call.
5. Okay, so you tried to do the Wasgij puzzle
But you got bored after 10 minutes and also had an allergy attack because the box was so dusty, so you threw it in the bin and just rewatched the entire series of Grey's Anatomy again.
Fantastic decision, because what's going to be more useful in a pandemic? The ability to successfully jam little bits of cardboard together or now basically having a medical degree? You made the right call again my friend, look at you go.