CANCER (June 22-July 23)
Aw, man! The way you live your life is actually really destructive to others. It's like you're living in your own little bubble and no one can touch you. You better shape up in 2020 otherwise you'll regret it, big time and bitterly, in 2021. A team sport is a good start. Sleep with the coach. Work hard, and get creative – dot the t's, cross the i's. It's good to be incoherent. Be open to esoteric beliefs and dubious practices. Truth, or dare? The latter, definitely. Falsehood is just another word for using your wits to survive.
LEO (July 24-August 22)
Uh-oh! Damned if you do, bland if you don't. You may as well live on the edge. Close your eyes and jump. To fail is to prosper, eventually, maybe. Love comes to town wearing nothing but a smile. Yes, it's one of those years. You won't forget it but you won't want to remember it. Give and you shall receive. Community service is more than just virtue signalling but it'll look great on your Tinder profile and your CV. Exploit your natural resources. You're a coal mine, not a solar panel.
VIRGO (August 23-September 22)
Heyoo! The truth is that it's all good in 2020. Peace of mind, someone you can rely on, that sort of thing. The only problem it that happiness writes white and you express yourself so well in black ink. The past is another country. Still, it's worth the occasional return visit; that's the thing about Hell, it's always interesting. A small person – as in short, or emotionally stunted – is a challenge. Hint: you won't win. Love will triumph at the end of the day. Unfortunately there's a lot of hours – and rage – in a day.
LIBRA (September 23-October 23)
LMAO! 2020 is one long lol for you personally but the grief of others sets up a sustained and ultimately aggravating boo-hoo-hoo. What a to-do! What to do? It's up to you. The jealousy of your peers continues to be a factor. Take it as a compliment and due recognition of your authentic genius. Plus remember: they're losers. Retail therapy is your meds. Exceed the recommended dose. Age concern is no concern of yours but the elderly have their place. Your curfew is 9pm weeknights, 6am weekends.
SCORPIO (October 24-November 22)
Ding-dong! Someone's at the door. Open it and open all the windows, too. 2020 is all about a fresh start, the new you, and a new significant other. When the going gets tough, find a place within yourself that no one can touch. No, not there, for God's sake. Study hard. Accountancy or horticulture are good subjects for your personality. When life fills a hot water bottle from a boiling kettle, be on hand to apply the plug. Travel beckons. It could be Vanuatu, or it could be Hamilton.
SAGITTARIUS (November 23-December 22)
Ahoy there! Water plays a profound role in your life this year. A voyage at sea, quality time with a loofah in the bath – hard to say which, but definitely you're going to get wet. It's just what you need. People have been calling you a dry old stick behind your back for years, including your family. Are the drugs working yet? Heartbreak Hotel called, it advises that you can check in but never leave. It's too late to say sorry. Lie back and think of Mosgiel.
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