I have one question for you: Do you want to look as good as Jennifer Lopez does at 50? Because I know there's nothing I personally want more in this world.
In case you've been living under a pole – J.Lo recently got utterly shredded to play the lead role in Hustlers, a cinematic masterpiece about strippers.
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Through intensive pole-dance training she grew about 32 extra abdominals and looks absolutely "fire". But apparently getting there was no walk in the park.
"It's real acrobatics," J.Lo explained in an Instagram video. "It might be one of the hardest things I've ever learned."
Hard, schmard. Could this be the answer to a rock-hard, stripper body?
I was absolutely shaken to discover people have been using poles for sport (or sexy dancing, whatever) for at least 800 years.
Back in the olden days, wooden poles were used for the traditional Indian sport of mallakhamb, which was all about building endurance and strength.
Basically, these dudes would fling themselves between two poles and perform "gravity defying tricks". So, not quite grinding to Pony by Ginuwine down at the clubs, but you've got to start somewhere, I guess.
Fast-forward to the roaring 20s and pole dancing hit the US by way of belly dancers who, according to Kerry Griffiths' book, Femininity, Feminism and Recreational Pole Dancing, would "sensually gyrate on the wooden tent poles to attract crowds". Hey – if it works, it works.
A couple of decades later, pole entered the mainstream, kind of. In 1957 an up-and-coming hipster named Elvis Presley released a music video for Jailhouse Rock where he sexily slithered up and down a pole/jail cell bar – and women all over the world collectively went into cardiac arrest.
In the 80s pole dancing started to incorporate athletic moves like climbs and spins – and was introduced into striptease routines (Yas!).
A decade later (when I was very nearly born) a Canadian gal named Fawnia Mondey released the first pole training video to use in exercises.
Today, pole is not just a sexy stick to dance on but also an internationally recognised sport.
Research from The University of Western Australia has found that though there is still a stigma associated with pole-dancing, the activity is quickly growing in popularity - with many women finding great benefits for both their mental and physical health.
"Classes facilitate an environment in which there is a strong sense of inclusion and acceptance, including body appreciation," Dr Joanna Nicholas, from the UWA School of Human Sciences told Medical Xpress.
"Pole-dancing is unique as it combines three forms of exercise: cardiovascular fitness, muscular strength and flexibility. So it's a good choice for achieving different types of exercise in one workout."
To prepare for her role in Hustlers, Lopez trained with pole artist, choreographer, and trainer-to-the-stars Johanna Sapakie months before filming began.
As I am just a humble pleb I didn't have access to Sapakie. What I did have was Ryoko Ibaraki, also known as Koko, owner of Auckland aerial studio Swing360.
After learning Koko was a former Japan Pole Sports Championships Master I was very sceptical that we were going to be a personality match – because here's the thing: I didn't want to learn pole-dancing because it's a beautiful art form and athletic sport.
I wanted to learn pole dancing so that I could channel my inner huss, dance like a stripper and imagine dollar bills showering down on me like the gender pay gap doesn't exist.
Thankfully, Koko picked up the energy I was throwing down and she was all about it. While she walked me through a (very basic) strippy routine she very generously mimed throwing cash on my body – and I was in heaven.
During a 55-minute class I did all the following things: 1. A very effective warm-up workout, comprised of squats and jumping jacks. 2. Learnt how to spin around on a pole without ripping my arms out of their sockets. 3. Learnt how to slither down a pole like a sexy earthworm, and 4. Learnt that I am actually naturally quite good at pole dancing and could probably have a back-up career in a club - if it weren't for the fact I'm 27 and over the hill.
I left the class sweaty, invigorated, feeling hot, feeling like Jenny From The Block, but also, "don't be fooled by the rocks that I got".
I felt like I absolutely got the same (if not better) workout I'd get from going to my usual Grit class at Les Mills - but way sexier - the "dollar dollar bills" version.
And If you need any further convincing, as soon as I got home I signed up for a bunch more classes. I'm a pole-dancer now, bye.