Last week, a Welsh seaside town announced plans to install public toilets with special anti-sex technology.
The design for the loos included weight sensitive floors equipped with motion sensors, to detect 'inappropriate sexual activity and vandalism'.
When triggered, the sensors would open the cubicle doors and spray the copulating occupants (say that three times quickly) with water.
Now, I can see why anti-sex toilets are required, particularly in a sexy little seaside town in Wales. There's nothing quite as arousing as a sea breeze and a funny accent, and who has time to search for a bedroom?
No doubt Welsh people are sexing in toilets all over the town, and we certainly don't want bodily fluids in a loo.
Unfortunately for high-minded Welshmen, after the anti-sex toilets attracted worldwide attention — from The Guardian, to CNN and even Sydney — that the council decided to retract the design.
As of today, Welsh seaside bathrooms are still seething dens of iniquity.
Well I, for one, am disappointed.
I was excited about the prospect of an anti-sex toilet; in fact, I'd quite like to have one at home. I could have peace of mind when hosting teenage parties or when workmen visited my home, knowing they are only using my sacred toilet in the way that God intended.
What's more, I can see massive potential in this anti-sex technology, to improve human behaviour and restore good manners to our society.
How about fluid detection technology to deter public urination? Sensors on the ground could detect the very first droplets, triggering an alarm and spraying the man (because it's nearly always a man) with jets of water. And if the technology is sufficiently sensitive, it could work for all sorts of bodily functions: public spitting, public coughing, even public sneezing without a tissue. Sure, we'd need a mesh of hosing in ceilings and above public spaces, but this is worth it to maintain the social standards we deserve.
What about odour triggered sensors? What a difference that would make to our quality of life. No more reheated curries in office spaces. No more excess cologne at parties. People who fail to use deodorant get an immediate bath. Smokers will quit within days! They won't have a choice. You can't light a wet cigarette.
Why stop there? How about noise detection sensors? You could drench anyone who is talking too loudly on their phone or laughing raucously at their own joke.
You could even program it to recognise offensive speech, such as 'Hey, sexy legs, wanna root?' and 'Everything happens for a reason', or the word 'journey' when used to describe anything other than a trip.
We could even have wearable devices that are triggered by contact. One breach of your boundaries and the culprit will be sprayed with water; perfect for those people who stand too close to you on the train, or hover breathing down your neck as you use the ATM. What better way to teach others about personal space?
Come to think of it … maybe we should just all carry water spray bottles with us and spray anyone who is behaving inappropriately in our presence.
Those women hogging the entire footpath as they walk side-by-side? Give them a light sprinkle.
The couple sucking each other's face on the bench in broad daylight? Give them a generous spray.
That man ordering a decaf double shot soy no-foam extra hot latte? DRENCH HIM COMPLETELY.
These anti-sex toilets could start a revolution. A new, better society may be just a spray away.
This article was first published on news.com.au.