Honestly, I'm not going to bury the lede here. I know I should keep you on to read it all then give you the big reveal at the end but this is a public service and it's an urgent message to deliver. In fact, it's probably the most important thing you'll read all week (and it's only Monday).
I'm here to tell you to butter both sides of your toast before you eat it.
That's it, no ifs or buts.
It has recently come to my attention that some people (I don't know numbers but any number greater than one, in this situation, is too big) only put butter on one side of their toast, then eat the whole thing half-naked.
What are we? Savages?
Toast making is an art, albeit a simple one. It's a bit like a theatrical play that it happens in three acts. These acts as are follows:
1. Toast your bread
2. Butter one side
3. Butter the other side
I've been buttering both sides of my toast my whole life and, maybe it's a cultural thing (I'm not from New Zealand), so have my ancestors (okay, at least my mum and my grandma).
I never thought anything of it and have spent my life on the assumption everyone was doing the same.
It wasn't until a couple of people saw me butter toast and pointed out the "weirdness" of buttering both sides that it dawned on me that not everyone is doing it. I always assumed cafes didn't do it to be cheap but now I realise people don't do it because they're blind to this obvious pathway to happiness.
Stop doing this to yourself. Do not condemn yourself to a life of deprivation, when the other half of your toast could so easily be buttered as well.
Do you really think you'll be on your deathbed thinking" "I'm so glad I only buttered one side of my toast?" No, no you will not.
Surely you've heard the expression to "butter one's bread on both sides". Unlike the absolute crock of s*** that is "having your cake and eating it too", which is actually impossible, this other expression, which also means profiting from two things at the same time, is very much possible.
Let me guide your way, friends.
This is the life hack to end all life hacks and, frankly, I won't hear a word to the contrary.
A quick FAQ about double-side toast buttering
- But, Vera, what about the "buttered toast phenomenon"?
The "buttered toast phenomenon", which states that buttered toast always lands butter-side down is the absolute height of pessimism anyway. If you think your toast is always going to land butter-side down, it means you expect a negative outcome. Not to get all philosophical in an article about buttered toast but, frankly, you deserve better. You deserve to just butter both sides. If your toast falls on the floor, it means you have a 100 per cent chance of being right in your pessimism (go you!). If your toast doesn't fall, you eat extra-delicious toast. Either way, you win.
Ew, how do you hold it?
By the crust. It's not that tricky. Come on, just give it a go.
But won't the plate get all dirty?
Yes. Wash it.
What if I want to put jam on it? Do I put it on both sides
Frankly, what you do in the privacy of your home is your business and I'm not here to judge. I'm a toast purist and only have my toast with butter and nothing else. If you want to rebel and add jam, go for your life. Add it on both sides. I don't know if it tastes fantastic but I think it probably does, if jam's your jam.