Model Gigi Hadid modelling the beloved greasy rat bun. Photo / Getty Images
Gal, I don't know if you've even realised how lucky you are.
Okay yes, the planet is apparently absolutely stuffed - but in the meantime, until we all perish, we have been blessed with the Best Fashion Era Of All Time.
Just look around you: greasy little rat buns, comfy slob trackpants and shapeless sack jumpers as far as the eye can see. It's a golden age.
We're dressing like we're 15 and we've been out all night drinking KGBs in the park, stayed at our friend's house, slept in their brother's leavers jersey and now
we're sitting on the doorstep trying not to spew while we wait for our mum to pick us up.
Look, you don't even have to take my uneducated, chain store-shopping word for it.
Cool and Respected People at Vogue are in on it too, recently declaring, "Bad Taste, the Best Thing To Happen to Fashion."
And Vanity Fair wrote about the rise of the "Scumbro": men dressing in clothes that make them look like they never open their curtains and only skulk down from their cesspit rooms once a month to return 11 mugs to the kitchen.
"Can women be Scumbros?" you ask. "Should women be Scumbros?"
Hahaha, you beautiful idiot. Obviously. Women can be anything they want.
Allow me to present my case with five key elements that define the Scumbro Woman.
As someone who has been equally blessed and cursed with enough hair to feed a small hair-eating village, I could weep with joy over this trend.
No longer do I try and do anything whatsoever with my bird's nest, and neither should you.
In 2019, forget washing your hair. Forget styling it. Forget even dry shampooing it for the seventh day in a row, you grub.
If you really want to push the boat out, you can whack on some Fashion Hairclips or a Fashion Headband. But for an Everyday Lewk, simply scrape your slick little strands into a filthy low bun, and voila.
You are an Instagram model from France, bonjour.
In 2019, forget lying down on your bed and doing a squirmy worm dance to get your sausage-casing skinny jeans on.
Simply buy a pair of mom jeans or comfy wide-legged pants, UberEats an entire Hell Pizza for yourself and Live Your Best Life.
Chunky knits, the kind that used to be reserved for wearing at your family bach, the box-like ones that make you resemble one giant boob shelf, they are now Fashion, Babes.
The bigger the better. The more daggy, the More Fash.
Bonus points if your grandma hand knitted it and you didn't just buy a $25 acrylic sweat shoppy one from H&M.
What an absolute time to be alive, eh?
In 2019, it is 100 per cent a-okay to wear sneaks to work, to play, to a black tie ball, heck, even on your wedding day.
We might not yet have equal pay, but no longer do we need to traipse out of Longroom - carrying our high heels in our sweaty little paws - and head to A&E to have our feet amputated from the pain.
This is progress my friends. This is feminism.
Don't know who Nirvana is? Neither Hon, don't worry, doesn't even matter.
Simply buy an Ali Express knock off, pair it with your wide leggies and colonial man 'do and saunter off to boozy brunch like the basic b**** you are. Love this for you.
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