NZ Herald
  • Home
  • Latest news
  • Herald NOW
  • Video
  • New Zealand
  • Sport
  • World
  • Business
  • Entertainment
  • Podcasts
  • Quizzes
  • Opinion
  • Lifestyle
  • Travel
  • Viva
  • Weather

Subscriptions

  • Herald Premium
  • Viva Premium
  • The Listener
  • BusinessDesk

Sections

  • Latest news
  • New Zealand
    • All New Zealand
    • Crime
    • Politics
    • Education
    • Open Justice
    • Scam Update
  • Herald NOW
  • On The Up
  • World
    • All World
    • Australia
    • Asia
    • UK
    • United States
    • Middle East
    • Europe
    • Pacific
  • Business
    • All Business
    • MarketsSharesCurrencyCommoditiesStock TakesCrypto
    • Markets with Madison
    • Media Insider
    • Business analysis
    • Personal financeKiwiSaverInterest ratesTaxInvestment
    • EconomyInflationGDPOfficial cash rateEmployment
    • Small business
    • Business reportsMood of the BoardroomProject AucklandSustainable business and financeCapital markets reportAgribusiness reportInfrastructure reportDynamic business
    • Deloitte Top 200 Awards
    • CompaniesAged CareAgribusinessAirlinesBanking and financeConstructionEnergyFreight and logisticsHealthcareManufacturingMedia and MarketingRetailTelecommunicationsTourism
  • Opinion
    • All Opinion
    • Analysis
    • Editorials
    • Business analysis
    • Premium opinion
    • Letters to the editor
  • Politics
  • Sport
    • All Sport
    • OlympicsParalympics
    • RugbySuper RugbyNPCAll BlacksBlack FernsRugby sevensSchool rugby
    • CricketBlack CapsWhite Ferns
    • Racing
    • NetballSilver Ferns
    • LeagueWarriorsNRL
    • FootballWellington PhoenixAuckland FCAll WhitesFootball FernsEnglish Premier League
    • GolfNZ Open
    • MotorsportFormula 1
    • Boxing
    • UFC
    • BasketballNBABreakersTall BlacksTall Ferns
    • Tennis
    • Cycling
    • Athletics
    • SailingAmerica's CupSailGP
    • Rowing
  • Lifestyle
    • All Lifestyle
    • Viva - Food, fashion & beauty
    • Society Insider
    • Royals
    • Sex & relationships
    • Food & drinkRecipesRecipe collectionsRestaurant reviewsRestaurant bookings
    • Health & wellbeing
    • Fashion & beauty
    • Pets & animals
    • The Selection - Shop the trendsShop fashionShop beautyShop entertainmentShop giftsShop home & living
    • Milford's Investing Place
  • Entertainment
    • All Entertainment
    • TV
    • MoviesMovie reviews
    • MusicMusic reviews
    • BooksBook reviews
    • Culture
    • ReviewsBook reviewsMovie reviewsMusic reviewsRestaurant reviews
  • Travel
    • All Travel
    • News
    • New ZealandNorthlandAucklandWellingtonCanterburyOtago / QueenstownNelson-TasmanBest NZ beaches
    • International travelAustraliaPacific IslandsEuropeUKUSAAfricaAsia
    • Rail holidays
    • Cruise holidays
    • Ski holidays
    • Luxury travel
    • Adventure travel
  • Kāhu Māori news
  • Environment
    • All Environment
    • Our Green Future
  • Talanoa Pacific news
  • Property
    • All Property
    • Property Insider
    • Interest rates tracker
    • Residential property listings
    • Commercial property listings
  • Health
  • Technology
    • All Technology
    • AI
    • Social media
  • Rural
    • All Rural
    • Dairy farming
    • Sheep & beef farming
    • Horticulture
    • Animal health
    • Rural business
    • Rural life
    • Rural technology
    • Opinion
    • Audio & podcasts
  • Weather forecasts
    • All Weather forecasts
    • Kaitaia
    • Whangārei
    • Dargaville
    • Auckland
    • Thames
    • Tauranga
    • Hamilton
    • Whakatāne
    • Rotorua
    • Tokoroa
    • Te Kuiti
    • Taumaranui
    • Taupō
    • Gisborne
    • New Plymouth
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Dannevirke
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Levin
    • Paraparaumu
    • Masterton
    • Wellington
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Blenheim
    • Westport
    • Reefton
    • Kaikōura
    • Greymouth
    • Hokitika
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
    • Wānaka
    • Oamaru
    • Queenstown
    • Dunedin
    • Gore
    • Invercargill
  • Meet the journalists
  • Promotions & competitions
  • OneRoof property listings
  • Driven car news

Puzzles & Quizzes

  • Puzzles
    • All Puzzles
    • Sudoku
    • Code Cracker
    • Crosswords
    • Cryptic crossword
    • Wordsearch
  • Quizzes
    • All Quizzes
    • Morning quiz
    • Afternoon quiz
    • Sports quiz

Regions

  • Northland
    • All Northland
    • Far North
    • Kaitaia
    • Kerikeri
    • Kaikohe
    • Bay of Islands
    • Whangarei
    • Dargaville
    • Kaipara
    • Mangawhai
  • Auckland
  • Waikato
    • All Waikato
    • Hamilton
    • Coromandel & Hauraki
    • Matamata & Piako
    • Cambridge
    • Te Awamutu
    • Tokoroa & South Waikato
    • Taupō & Tūrangi
  • Bay of Plenty
    • All Bay of Plenty
    • Katikati
    • Tauranga
    • Mount Maunganui
    • Pāpāmoa
    • Te Puke
    • Whakatāne
  • Rotorua
  • Hawke's Bay
    • All Hawke's Bay
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Havelock North
    • Central Hawke's Bay
    • Wairoa
  • Taranaki
    • All Taranaki
    • Stratford
    • New Plymouth
    • Hāwera
  • Manawatū - Whanganui
    • All Manawatū - Whanganui
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Manawatū
    • Tararua
    • Horowhenua
  • Wellington
    • All Wellington
    • Kapiti
    • Wairarapa
    • Upper Hutt
    • Lower Hutt
  • Nelson & Tasman
    • All Nelson & Tasman
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Tasman
  • Marlborough
  • West Coast
  • Canterbury
    • All Canterbury
    • Kaikōura
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
  • Otago
    • All Otago
    • Oamaru
    • Dunedin
    • Balclutha
    • Alexandra
    • Queenstown
    • Wanaka
  • Southland
    • All Southland
    • Invercargill
    • Gore
    • Stewart Island
  • Gisborne

Media

  • Video
    • All Video
    • NZ news video
    • Herald NOW
    • Business news video
    • Politics news video
    • Sport video
    • World news video
    • Lifestyle video
    • Entertainment video
    • Travel video
    • Markets with Madison
    • Kea Kids news
  • Podcasts
    • All Podcasts
    • The Front Page
    • On the Tiles
    • Ask me Anything
    • The Little Things
  • Cartoons
  • Photo galleries
  • Today's Paper - E-editions
  • Photo sales
  • Classifieds

NZME Network

  • Advertise with NZME
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • BusinessDesk
  • Newstalk ZB
  • Sunlive
  • ZM
  • The Hits
  • Coast
  • Radio Hauraki
  • The Alternative Commentary Collective
  • Gold
  • Flava
  • iHeart Radio
  • Hokonui
  • Radio Wanaka
  • iHeartCountry New Zealand
  • Restaurant Hub
  • NZME Events

SubscribeSign In

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Home / Lifestyle

Lee Suckling: What you need to know about middle-aged casual sex

NZ Herald
10 Apr, 2018 07:00 PM4 mins to read

Subscribe to listen

Access to Herald Premium articles require a Premium subscription. Subscribe now to listen.
Already a subscriber?  Sign in here

Listening to articles is free for open-access content—explore other articles or learn more about text-to-speech.
‌
Save

    Share this article

Sexpert Tracey Cox on balancing love and sex. / Tracey Cox

When we think about sex as it pertains to midlife, we tend to only ever consider married couples. Advice columns are filled with questions about how to reignite the fire after 20 years together, or what can be done to boost a pair of libidos as the big 5-0 approaches.

Yet there are lots of single middle-aged people, and they want to have more sex too.

They mightn't have husbands, wives, or even trusted partners, but that doesn't mean they have no sexuality. So here I want to discuss how single people can be physically and emotionally successful (and safe) during their 40s when facilitating their sex life without said regular partner.

I can already sense the judgement that surrounds this. A person is 45 and still having casual sex? Trolling bars, going on first dates, and using Tinder? What kind of life is that?

I'm here to tell you that we've moved on from this rhetoric. Being single at any age is an acceptable – and even desirable – life choice. Being coupled up doesn't mean you're happy and getting lots of sex; likewise, being single doesn't mean you're sad and getting none.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Society keeps telling us that the goal in life is to live happily ever after with someone else, but I think living happily ever after requires doing it on your own terms. If that means alone - by choice or by chance - so be it.

Those who are most successful in having a good sex life without a regular sexual partner are people who don't place too much importance on the physical appearance of their partners. This isn't to say the physical stuff isn't important, but rather, casual sex is much less daunting if your standards aren't sky-high. Do remember that we age, but the standards of beauty don't, so one must adjust one's own ideals.

Physical safety and success means many things for single people over 40. In terms of safety, the same rules apply for all ages: use protection every time. Some might need a reminder of this if they are newly-single and haven't needed to practice safe sex in some time, or if they think they're past the reasonable chance of pregnancy. A warning to you: there are a whole lot of rampant STIs out there that you must safeguard yourself from.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Staying physically safe for casual sex also means meeting new people in well-lit, public locations, telling at least one other person where you are, and having an exit plan if things go wrong.

Read more: • Lee Suckling: How to bring up kinky things with your partner

As for physical success, both men and women go through hormonal changes in their 40s, and the following should be considered: confidence level changes (which relate directly to enjoyment levels), fluctuating sexual desire, changes in orgasm sensitivity, heart health, and – pardon the pun – erectile ups and downs.

Everything is highly individual: some people find they sexually peak in their 40s, others find it more of a struggle. Success will be if you can take all of these things into account and proceed without fear. Lastly, don't forget that lubricant/other third-party personal hygiene products are essential. As we age, we need them more than we once used to in order to enjoy sex.

Discover more

Lifestyle

'Mistress, slut': How we discuss relationships is wrong

08 Apr 11:07 PM
Entertainment

What really happens inside a Hollywood divorce

09 Apr 04:00 AM
Lifestyle

The hashtags you should never use on photos of your children

09 Apr 02:52 AM
Opinion

10 signs your date doesn't want a relationship

11 Apr 09:15 PM

Emotional success and safety are a bit trickier. Sex can be complicated, and casual sex doesn't get more straightforward as you get on. In terms of emotional safety, consider that mixed messages still apply, and you'll still have bad experiences. My advice is to be frugal with your trust. Don't actively distrust everyone you encounter, but it pays not to take anybody at face value.

This lends itself to emotional success. The fewer expectations you have of people, the better the outcomes you'll have. Keeping the "casual" in casual sex at middle-aged says you are dedicated to not taking things so seriously. As far as enjoying yourself goes, you'll only be successful in your midlife casual exploits if you accept that sex is as necessary as eating and drinking – it's not the sacred act we've historically construed.

Save

    Share this article

Latest from Lifestyle

Premium
Lifestyle

How an innocent search on social media drew me into the disturbing world of extreme dieting

Lifestyle

'So raw and blistered': Parents claim Huggies nappies cause rashes, company denies fault

Premium
Lifestyle

‘Women get gaslit a lot’: 10 menopause myths the experts can’t stand


Sponsored

Sponsored: Why heat pumps make winter cheaper

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Latest from Lifestyle

Premium
Premium
How an innocent search on social media drew me into the disturbing world of extreme dieting
Lifestyle

How an innocent search on social media drew me into the disturbing world of extreme dieting

Telegraph: oung women are being exposed to dangerous diet and exercise advice.

16 Jul 06:00 AM
'So raw and blistered': Parents claim Huggies nappies cause rashes, company denies fault
Lifestyle

'So raw and blistered': Parents claim Huggies nappies cause rashes, company denies fault

16 Jul 12:01 AM
Premium
Premium
‘Women get gaslit a lot’: 10 menopause myths the experts can’t stand
Lifestyle

‘Women get gaslit a lot’: 10 menopause myths the experts can’t stand

16 Jul 12:00 AM


Sponsored: Why heat pumps make winter cheaper
Sponsored

Sponsored: Why heat pumps make winter cheaper

01 Jul 04:58 PM
NZ Herald
  • About NZ Herald
  • Meet the journalists
  • Newsletters
  • Classifieds
  • Help & support
  • Contact us
  • House rules
  • Privacy Policy
  • Terms of use
  • Competition terms & conditions
  • Our use of AI
Subscriber Services
  • NZ Herald e-editions
  • Daily puzzles & quizzes
  • Manage your digital subscription
  • Manage your print subscription
  • Subscribe to the NZ Herald newspaper
  • Subscribe to Herald Premium
  • Gift a subscription
  • Subscriber FAQs
  • Subscription terms & conditions
  • Promotions and subscriber benefits
NZME Network
  • The New Zealand Herald
  • The Northland Age
  • The Northern Advocate
  • Waikato Herald
  • Bay of Plenty Times
  • Rotorua Daily Post
  • Hawke's Bay Today
  • Whanganui Chronicle
  • Viva
  • NZ Listener
  • Newstalk ZB
  • BusinessDesk
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • iHeart Radio
  • Restaurant Hub
NZME
  • About NZME
  • NZME careers
  • Advertise with NZME
  • Digital self-service advertising
  • Book your classified ad
  • Photo sales
  • NZME Events
  • © Copyright 2025 NZME Publishing Limited
TOP