When family birthday plans collide, is it reasonable to feel annoyed? Photo / 123rf
When family birthday plans collide, is it reasonable to feel annoyed? Photo / 123rf
After five years of sharing birthdays with her nephew, a reader is bristling at her sister’s decision to create a perennial scheduling conflict just for fun.
Q. Five years ago, my sister chose my birthday as the date for her scheduled caesarean section. She said she thought itwould be fun for her baby and me to share a birthday. I was annoyed but tried to be a good sport about it. Now, my nephew is turning 5, and I am still holding a grudge that my birthday was taken. This year, my sister is giving him a party, but I have my own plans. So, I will miss the party or not have the day to myself. And every year is more complicated than it has to be! I think it would have been better to have separate birthdays – even if they were a day apart. What’s done is done. But is it reasonable for me to feel irritated? – Sister
A. When my birthday falls on a weekday – which is most years – I’m pretty flexible about finding an evening that’s convenient for my husband or friends to celebrate with me. It’s often not on my actual birthday. Most adults I know take a similar approach. And in my experience with young children, parents nearly always arrange kids’ parties for the weekend. So, I’m wondering if the problem you present – the complexity of a shared birthday – is the real issue here. Do you even celebrate them on the same day?
You are entitled to your feelings, of course. But I doubt that the root of your irritation is having to swing by your sister’s house for an hour to eat some birthday cake for a child. It seems more likely that it springs from her failure to ask you – five years ago – if it was okay to use your birthday for her son.
And I don’t believe your feelings will go away until you talk to your sister about it. No need to make a federal case of this. And be sure to tell her that you know she didn’t mean to upset you. Then say: “But I wish you’d asked me about choosing my birthday.” As you say, what’s done is done. But getting this off your chest may help.
Q. I am a senior in high school, and my ex is a freshman in college. She broke up with me over text recently, and she doesn’t want to talk until she comes home for Thanksgiving. I’m struggling with whether I should talk to her and give her a second chance. Some background here: I learned from her roommate that my ex smoked weed. She knows I hate it and lied to me when I asked her about it. She also lied about going to a frat party; I can track her location on my phone. I’m not sure what to do. Should I give her another shot? – Boyfriend
A. I know that breakups can be really upsetting – and confusing. I’m sorry that you have to go through this. I also know that your impulse, now, may be to dog your ex and track her movements. Don’t do that: It’s controlling and creepy.
Her actions here – breaking up with you over text and making you wait nearly two months to discuss it – suggest that she is not interested in reconciling. Her behaviour is also unkind and, in my view, worse than trying pot or going to a frat party – both of which are pretty normal for a college freshman. (So were her denials.) For now, talk to your friends or your parents about this. They will let you vent. And if you decide to see your ex, listen more than you speak: You will not decide the next steps here on your own.
Q. My girlfriend’s brother is getting married next year. He invited his brother and sister to be in the wedding party, but he didn’t include either of their partners (me or his brother’s girlfriend).
This caused tension: The brothers fought, and the family pressured the bridal couple to include his brother’s girlfriend and me in the wedding party. She accepted, but I don’t think it makes sense to accept an invitation made under pressure. What should I do? – Boyfriend
A. Sometimes, the best we can do is minimise the damage. Whoever coerced the bridal couple to include you in their wedding party made a mistake. Forced invitations are the worst: we know we’re not wanted! But that’s what happened here. Pressure was exerted, and now you’re invited.
Unfortunately, it may cause even more drama for you to refuse the invitation. Talk to your girlfriend about this. If it’s important to her and you can tolerate it, it may be better to hold your nose and march down the aisle. But if you can’t do it, refuse politely.
That other sidewalk scourge
Q. When my dog barfs on the sidewalk, what is the appropriate response? So far, I’ve just left it alone. But should I scrape it off the sidewalk? At what level of liquidity does it become inoffensive? – Dog owner
A. Sadly, I am no stranger to dog vomit. If mine throws up a few blades of grass and a thimble of bile, I keep walking. But if he forfeits half his breakfast, I scoop it into a poop bag. (People might slip on it or ruin their shoes.) If you need more detailed instructions, call a sensible friend.
This article originally appeared in the New York Times.
