Mind Matters with Kyle MacDonald: Lockdown anger may be masking depression

Anger projected on to the world at large may be a defence against the pain of not being able to travel and see loved ones. Photo / 123rf

ADVICE

Q: I would like some advice about my partner. He is not coping well with not being able to travel to see his elderly mother, who is overseas. He's afraid he won't see her again and it seems to have taken over his life.

Every time there is a further message about lockdown or something to do with borders opening, he yells and screams about how dreadful the government is, often for hours.

As soon as he wakes in the morning he is on his phone finding something to criticise, ranting on about the ineptitude of anybody who disagrees with the border opening immediately.

I have tried to be supportive as I understand how awful it is to have family overseas and not be able to see them. But it appears to have become an obsession and he has no interest in anything else. I have tried diverting him to other topics but nothing seems to touch him. He is angry and frustrated and volatile all the time.

Do you have any suggestions on how I can support him and help him to deal with the reality of the situation?

A: I really feel for your partner. One of the most heart-rending impacts of the global pandemic has been the ways it has fractured families and left us unable to freely travel the way we once did.

What I hear from your description is that he clearly has a lot of incredibly strong and difficult feelings about the situation, and that is understandable. However, if the feelings are coming out as anger, directed at or around you, then that's not okay.

Generally speaking, anger and irritability can be symptoms of depression for both genders, but it's not unusual for depression to primarily manifest in men as anger, masking the deeper distress we feel.

There's also the specific impact of the Covid-19 restrictions.

I think for anyone who has largely lived their life as the author of their own destiny - free to travel and make decisions about what they do and when - losing that freedom has been incredibly distressing. And as you're seeing it can lead to a very particular kind of rage.

The anger and rage is the distress directed outward - or "projected" on to the world at large - and fuelled by a refusal to accept the reality - because it is too painful - that he may not see his mother again. The anger serves a purpose, that purpose is to not feel the sadness that is experienced as too much and to be avoided. In therapy-speak, the anger is a "defence" against the much worse pain of the grief.

So while it is important, as you describe, to be supportive and understanding, I think it's also important to have some clear limits with regards to his anger and to express them clearly to him, if you feel safe doing so.

Make it clear that his anger and toxicity is too much for you, and that it's hurting you, it's hurting him, and it's hurting the relationship. Let him know what specific behaviours are too much for you, and what the impact is.

You may also want to let him know that angrily obsessing like he seems to be doing can be a sign of depression and that you need him, for you and for the sake of the relationship, to talk to someone - his GP if he has one, or even better, a therapist.

It may also help to reassure him that he's not alone. A quick look at the media this week, and the growing number of angry commentators calling for "CERTAINTY" are examples of the same kind of anger. In fact, the best thing your husband could do would be to unplug from the news media for a few days, if he's willing.

But one way or another he's going to have to find ways to feel the grief, and he won't want to do it alone.

Because the real problem is while his anger drives you away, with grief it's our connection to others that gets us through, gives us the strength to face down the grief and ultimately adjust, change and embrace a new future we haven't yet met.