Menopause over Martinis founder Sarah Connor tackles a hot topic of conversation

Sarah Connor, founder of Menopause Over Martinis, at her home in Haitaitai overlooking Wellington Harbour. Photo / Mark Mitchell

The View from My Window: A hot topic of conversation with Menopause over Martinis founder and workplace advocate Sarah Connor

When I first started talking about menopause, people would come up to me and say, "I read your story" or "I heard you on the radio — you're so brave." But swimming across Cook Strait without a life jacket or climbing Mt Everest in your undies is brave. Menopause is a normal, inevitable stage of life, not something to be feared or hidden. To me, it isn't a women's issue, it's an "everyone's" issue. The other day I spoke to Inland Revenue and there were 270 people on the [video] call. Twelve of them were men.

I live in Haitaitai at the top of Mt Victoria, with the horizon all around me. I can see the ferries coming in and planes literally land past my window. So even though I work from home as a freelance writer and advocate, I feel connected to the world around me.

Three years ago, I was driving home up that steep, windy road when I suddenly felt incredibly hot, like my brain was melting from the inside out. I thought I was going to faint. I pulled over, took a few deep breaths and it passed, but that was the moment when I knew something wasn't right.

Off I went to a locum GP, who told me I could be in perimenopause. "What?" I said. I didn't have a clue what that was. My mother and I had never talked about menopause, which isn't a great surprise in hindsight because we didn't really talk about periods and menstruation either — all I remember is this [puberty] booklet landing on my bedside table one night. I knew my periods would eventually stop, maybe in my 50s or 60s, and that I might get a bit hot. I was only 46 I just brushed it off.

Over the next few months, I had this pile-up of symptoms. Waves of physiological anxiety led to a couple of panic attacks, which I'd never had before and were really frightening. Once I ended up at A&E with abdominal pain and nausea, and once with a paramedic in my house. My mood was really low for no particular reason; I'd be doing the dishes and burst into tears. I wasn't sleeping well, just a couple of hours here and there, and would get this creepy feeling like ants were crawling under my skin. I lost all my joy, all my creativity, all my energy. I became unrecognisable to myself.

A newspaper ad from 1941 for a menopause remedy. "There's a lot of snake oil and pseudo-science out there," says Connor. "Don't settle for anything that doesn't work."

My GP sent me to a cardiologist, thinking I might have a heart condition. I was referred to a counsellor for anxiety. I saw a hypnotherapist, who did actually help me learn how to use my breath to calm myself and get back to sleep at night. I saw a naturopath, thinking maybe my diet wasn't right. I learnt how to meditate. I was prescribed anti-depressants. No one seemed able to join the dots.

Finally, after three or four months, a menopause specialist took one look at my long list of symptoms and the state I was in — I mean, I felt like I'd been hit by a bus — and said it was completely normal. My hormones were all over the place. I started HRT [hormone replacement therapy] and slowly started to climb out of this awful, awful hole.

My experience has been more extreme — 20 per cent of people sail through menopause with no problems at all. But even the 60 per cent who have moderate symptoms need a lot of reassurance that it's a temporary stage and there are solutions available. I was told once by a health practitioner that no one had ever died of menopause, but when you've had something like anxiety or a panic attack, you feel like anything is possible. The second-highest suicide rate for women is in midlife. If someone had appendicitis or gallbladder stones, we wouldn't expect them to manage that without support.

In the workplace, there are some really practical steps employers can take. It might be flexibility around deadlines or schedules; if someone isn't sleeping well, an 8am meeting is going to be tough. In the UK, it's standard practice for everyone to have a fan on their desk if they need one. Some organisations have had to pay out large sums of money because people have been unfairly dismissed or treated with disrespect because of menopausal symptoms.

I still have to manage how much I take on and stick to a good sleep routine. But someone told me this is the time to step it up and be a different version of yourself. I feel like I'm living and breathing that now, seeing the opportunity to make real change not just for myself, my friends and my family but for a lot of people who otherwise would be living in the dark.

— as told to Joanna Wane

October 18 is World Menopause Day. The Menopause over Martinis movement (alcohol optional) began when Sarah Connor hosted a potluck dinner to break down the taboos around talking about menopause. She now runs a website and hosts sessions with businesses and government organisations to advocate for more open and supportive workplaces (see menopauseovermartinis.org).

Sarah Connor's 10 reasons to talk about menopause at work

1. To grow everyone's understanding of this normal and inevitable stage of life
2. To proactively support people's health, safety and wellbeing.
3. To foster a diverse and inclusive culture.
4. To build trust between colleagues.
5. To reduce the impact of some people's symptoms.
6. To identify and make appropriate changes in your workplace so that people can perform at their best.
7. To enable people to develop their full potential.
8. To retain valuable talent and reduce the cost of recruitment.
9. To attract new people to your organisation.
10. To make menopause less taboo.

NATURAL WOMAN
A vegan balm for women going through menopause, developed by a small artisan company in Hawke's Bay, has been shortlisted for the 2022 Pure Beauty Awards London. Archeus founder Georgina Langdale's NatFem Super-Soothing Balm relieves vaginal dryness and is part of her natural botanical range, which uses medicinal plants grown organically in her garden (see nfbalm.com). It's up for Best New Intimate Care Product in the awards, chosen by public vote, with the winners announced on October 27.