Matt Heath: Pile in with a trip to the nether regions

Admit it guys. You don't do it easy with a female doctor in the house. Photo / Supplied

COMMENT

Am I a sexist pig? I only ask because I recently discovered I'm uncomfortable showing women the disgusting new growth I have on my inner backside. Very happy to show male medical professionals. Just not females.

It's a huge red itchy growth that appeared round back a week ago. Feels like a major medical issue. Unfortunately, my doctor of many years has moved his young family south.
I was gutted when he left. I loved that doctor. Hell of a nice guy. Funny too. Real practical joker.

I would have had no trouble at all bending over and showing him my horrific inflamed area. He has worked down there before. He has a deep personal invasive knowledge of that zone.

But call me old fashioned, It just feels impolite to drop your pants on the first date with a new doctor. Especially a lady one. Not because I think boy doctors are better at their jobs than girls. I know that's not the case. Its just more awkward for me as a male. Most female friends of mine feel the same about male doctors. If given the choice, girls want a girl doctor for their girl stuff.

Boys want a boy doctor for their gross downstairs growths. It would seem that when it comes to health care New Zealand men and woman are a bunch of horrible sexist pigs.

It's something we males are going to have to face up to more and more. The majority of medical school graduates are female and have been for years. Male GPs are getting harder and harder to find.

Luckily the three-lens camera on my new phone can go supermacro. So I captured some beautiful HD shots of the swollen red monster. Shared it with several friends, family and workmates. All agreed it was disgusting, that I needed to see a doctor immediately and that it was uncool to show it to civilians of either sex.

Ironically as an 11-year old I received a detention from Balmacewen Intermediate School in Dunedin for baring my buttocks out the back window of a school bus. A real crack up at the time.

Drastically increased my standing in my social group. Unfortunately, Mrs Macmillan was driving two cars behind. Pinged me at assembly. Clearly I wasn't shy about sharing that area with females at that age. Times change.

The rubber of my sexism hit the road a few days back. Unable to find an available male doctor and with things downstairs getting rapidly worse, I contacted an out of town professional. Did the sensible thing and direct messaged my doctor friend the disgusting images. I was relieved when he responded immediately. A quick and private diagnosis was exactly what I was hoping for. No need for an awkward face to backside examination. His message was clear

'Jesus! Why the hell are you sending me that?'. I responded "Do you know what it is?'. He fired back - 'Bro , you can't just send shots like that to people. Go see a doctor'.

So with all other options exhausted and with things really starting to flare up I finally went to see a female doctor. Bent over and showed her what I got. She was a total pro. Not even a snigger.

Turns out it was haemorrhoids all along! A fantastic result. She gave me a prescription for a lovely little ointment, some dietary advice and some laxatives just for fun. I have to say it was a great medical appointment. Five stars would recommend. You'll be pleased to know I'm on the road to recovery both downstairs and up.

The answer to the question 'am I a sexist pig?' Is an emphatic no. Plus with my problem sorted the answer to the question 'am I a sexy pig?' is once again an emphatic yes.

The moral of this story? New Zealanders need to grow up, pull down our pants and share our disgusting downstairs growths with everyone regardless of race, colour, national origin, religion or sex.