You are a useless coddled wimp and an insult to your ancestors. All of us are. Our ancestors fought off packs of wild animals with rocks. We get upset when someone says something nasty on social media. Our ancestors bought down mammoth with pointy sticks. We order uber eats every night and get angry when it takes more than 25 minutes. Hunting food with an app sitting on your couch. Gathering from your doorstep. Losers.
Dr. Colin Shaw of the Cambridge University's Phenotypic Evolution Research Group claimed in 2014 that 'Even our most highly trained athletes pale in comparison to these ancestors of ours'.
He concluded: 'People back then were monsters by comparison. What we are today is quite pathetic.'
I'm the worst of us. I got a new iPhone the other day. Instead of having to plug it in I just laid it on its charging pad. I was telling my boss about this at a performance review.
Ranting about how sick I was of plugging my phone in every night and how good it
is not to have to go through that ordeal anymore.
He looked at me like I had soiled myself. 'What have you become?!' He yelled. 'Can't be bothered plugging in your phone?'. "You soft, whinging, loser, I hate you' (or words not to that effect.) He was right.
I hate myself for what I have become. If you are like me I hope you hate yourself too. We have to change. We need to be stronger. You need to do an audit of the technologies in your life. Work out what's making you a weak waste of your genetic potential.
ROBOTIC VACUUM CLEANER
If you are able-bodied and running one of these - shame on you. A normal vacuum cleaner too much work? That amazing invention that replaced the broom. You can't even be bothered plugging that in and rubbing it gently across your soft comfortable carpets?
Too lazy to use your hands you fork out money on a Google Home, Home Pod or Alexa? God forbid your precious fingers get a keyboard callus.
THE TV REMOTE
You can't even get up and walk the 2 metres to your TV? No wonder you're overweight. Those binge-watching on their laptops in bed are no better. Laying down on a soft mattress only moving once every few hours to tell Netflix your eyes are still open.
"I only have Facebook and insta so I can keep up with family and friends'. Rubbish. Scrolling through pictures of other peoples fake lives isn't keeping up. It isn't socialising. It's nothing at all. It's not even entertaining. Too lazy to call or visit? You can't be bothered meeting the people you love for a meal once a year?.
Are you really a Homo Sapien if you are unwilling to get out of your car and pull a gate across? You're a slug.
You drive to the dairy one km down the road to get chips, fizzy and white death. You wouldn't want to get off a chair for 5 minutes. Instead, you turn your car into a rolling junk food gathering couch. If you've got legs use them. Use them or lose them
These amazing sets of moving stairs could get you up a level faster. But instead, you use them to take a rest. Walking might make you stronger. But - nah. Take an unearned break.
The average hunter and gatherer was stronger than Tom Walsh, faster than Beauden Barrett and better looking than Art Green. (well maybe not the last one).
As Yuval Noah Harari wrote of hunters and gatherers in Sapiens: "Varied and constant use of their bodies made them as fit as marathon runners. They had physical dexterity that people today are unable to achieve after decades of practising yoga or t'ai chi."
So why have we become so weak and pathetic? Why do we get emotional about comments online? Claim bullying when anyone tells you off or disagrees you at work? It's probably because we are taking the easy options.
The solution is clear. Throw your smart speaker, TV remote, vacuum cleaner, electric gate, car and Mark Zuckerberg over the fence into your neighbour's yard. Or more practically climb stairs, open gates, hand change channels, walk to the diary, manually vacuum floors and shun all unnecessarily technically enhanced laziness.
It's about showing a little respects to your genetic potential. The ancient strength that lies dormant within all of us. If we could only listen to our souls, our mighty hunter-gatherer ancestors have something to say to us.
Dear future person, You are a useless, lazy, emotionally weak parody of humanity, sort yourself out. Lot's of love, Grunk.