Louise Thompson: Easy go, easy come

Letting go is hard because it implies we are releasing something but getting absolutely nothing in return. Photo / Getty Images

You know that thing you are wresting with, that just sort of won't happen no matter how hard you try? Finding a new partner. Landing the great new job. Securing the house of your dreams. Those tricky things that no matter how much effort you put in, they stubbornly refuse to fall into place. Let's look at those today.

There is a very interesting phenomenon that I notice when I compare the people for whom things do seem to fall into place quickly and more easily to those for whom they don't. Something really intangible they are doing that seems to make a real difference to how things turn out, and how fast. The people whose new lover rocks up right on cue. The new job finds them with an unexpected headhunting call. They get the first house they want on the first auction.

Is it luck? Maybe. But I think there is more going on. What I observe is that the people who get what they want easily have let go of what they don't want more easily and completely, than the people for whom it takes longer for the pieces to fall into place.

Without fail the clients I see in brand new, and much improved relationships are the ones who have surrendered the old relationship to the past with the least angst, however messily it ended. They have filed it under "It's over. It wasn't a fit. I'm glad it's done" rather than under "That shouldn't have happened. Why did that happen? She/he is such an awful person" which keeps them stuck in the experience. One route is a much more peaceful surrender of that which is past to the past, the other keeps the energy of the past alive in the present. In short they have let go with much more ease.

It's hard to "let go". I absolutely completely get it. "Just let go" can be the most irritating advice out there because it can be so esoteric as to be impractical.

"Oh right, just let go, but HOW exactly do I go about doing that?" Letting go is hard because it implies we are releasing something but getting absolutely nothing in return. That seems inherently a bad deal, so we resist creating this uncomfortable void. We avoid it. We avoid the void. We unintentionally hang on too tight to what is past, refusing to release our grip, even if what we are actually clutching on to is past misery.

Holding on too tight means we are letting go in a hard way. The people who move on the fastest and get the shiny new thing quickest - they are the ones who let it go easy. The thing is this: when you let it go hard, then it seems hard to let the new thing into your experience. When you let it go easy, you open the way up for it to come in easy.

Obviously I don't have a scientific quantifiable study for this, you are just going to have to take my word for it then try it out. Let's face it; if the old way isn't working you might as well try the new!

Look around, and you will see this subtle principle in action left right and centre.

We have a saying: "easy come, easy go". It's the ultimate happy-go-lucky mantra. What's even more powerfuI , I believe, is to deliberately apply this in reverse: Easy go, easy come. Let it go easy. Let it come easy. Stop looking back and wrestling with it. If you want the new thing, file away the old thing with ease. When you let it go easy, you let the next thing come easy.