Lots of people exhibit these sexual red flags. Are you one of them?

Kiwi sex therapist Sofie Louise reveals five subtle habits that could be hurting your sex life – and how to fix them. Photo / Getty Images

WARNING: This story deals with sexual content and is for adults only.

Kiwi sex therapist Sofie Louise explains five subtle red flags that could be negatively impacting your sexual relationships.

There are toxic traits we’re all familiar with and know are unacceptable in the bedroom, like pressuring someone to have sex or body-shaming during the act. But what about the more subtle red flags you might be unknowingly displaying that could be turning your partner off?

Expecting your partner to read your mind

While we all know that our partners don’t have any superhuman skills, it can still be tempting to believe that your lover should magically know what does and doesn’t work for you. But, following this line of thought is only going to end in disappointment.

Instead, remember that it is your responsibility and no one else’s to voice what it is that you want in bed. If you struggle to pluck up the confidence to do so, you can practise what you want to say ahead of time until it comes more naturally, making sure to layer compliments in alongside the feedback that you give.

Kiwi sex therapist Sofie Louise

Putting too much focus on penetration

While porn has led us to believe that penetration is the most important part of sex through its hyper-focus on this part of the experience, penetration (regardless of who is penetrating who with what) is just one small part of sex.

In fact, for many people, particularly those with vaginas, penetration is not going to be the act they derive the most pleasure from. They are far more likely to orgasm from sex acts that are more clitorally-focused, like receiving oral sex or having a toy used on them.

This fact has become more widely known thanks to concepts like the “orgasm gap” gaining more attention in recent years. If you’re making penetration the main star of the show, you can come across as willfully ignoring what works for your partner.

Asking the wrong question

It’s very common to check in with a partner about whether they’ve achieved an orgasm during sex or not. However, while this question comes from a considerate place, it can unwittingly put pressure on your partner and detract from the moment.

While for some people, having an orgasm is as easy as 1-2-3, for others, it’s more of a challenge. This is particularly true for people with vaginas, who tend to take longer to orgasm and have orgasms that are less predictable.

Thus, when you ask someone whether they’ve orgasmed, you could make them feel uncomfortable and rushed.

This awkwardness can come about because your lover likely wants to feel as though they’ve “performed” well, with many believing that being able to orgasm easily is part of what makes someone sexually successful. This may also not want to hurt your ego by indicating that your own performance wasn’t enough to get them over the edge.

To avoid this, next time ask an alternative question that doesn’t focus on their ability to orgasm, like, ‘’Do you want to keep going?’ or ‘What would you love for me to do to you now?’

Needing your partner to have an erection

Over 50% of penis-owners struggle with erectile dysfunction at some point in their life, an experience which can be both frustrating and embarrassing.

It can also be challenging for the person they’re having sex with, as it’s common to read too much into a lack of erection, with many believing this means their partner isn’t attracted to them anymore.

However, while these doubts are natural, arousal that happens in the body doesn’t always mirror the desire for sex that’s happening in someone’s mind, and vice versa.

In order to make this easier, it’s important that you both know that they don’t need to have an erection for you to be sexual together. While penetration might be off the table, there are many other sex acts that don’t require an erection that you can get creative with and enjoy together.

I recommend saying to your partner something along the lines of, “Just relax and let me give you pleasure.” You might be surprised - often hearing this is enough to relieve the performance pressure.

Engaging in kink without doing your research first

Kinky acts like BDSM are becoming more mainstream, particularly amongst young people. However, this normalisation is leading many to the mistaken assumption that these activities are free of danger.

While researching how to engage in kink safely might not necessarily sound like the sexiest thing to do, not doing so is a massive faux pas. It means that you’re not making informed decisions regarding whether you and your lover are comfortable taking on the dangers associated with your preferred kinks, and it also indicates that you won’t know the proper techniques to use to mitigate these risks.

Sofie Louise is an Auckland-based trained sex and libido coach who is passionate about supporting women in reclaiming their sexuality.