Lee Suckling: Why your partner doesn't want to cuddle

When couples don't cuddle, and don't get any joy feeling their skin up against one another anymore - I wonder if their last shred of intimacy has been torn off? Photo / Getty Images

The cuddle doesn't get much credit, but like a dog who enjoys the sensation of simply leaning against another breathing being, I love the humble cuddle. I like being entangled with my husband on the couch at night, I like putting my arm around my friends' shoulders, I like greeting my dad – a southern Kiwi bloke – with a big bear hug.

When it comes to what cuddles mean for romantic couples, I think there's a connection between how much you cuddle, and how happy your relationship is. When couples don't cuddle, and don't get any joy feeling their skin up against one another anymore – I wonder if their last shred of intimacy has been torn off?

This is a generalisation because intimacy is an individual experience and people approach it differently. Yet there's a lot you probably don't know about cuddling because there's some science behind this:

Cuddling can promote bonding

Various studies correlate cuddling to the release of the brain chemical oxytocin, which is also known as the "love hormone".

Put simply, it's a chemical release by the posterior lobe of the pituitary gland that makes you feel closer to a person when you're touching.

Bonding with newborns

Oxytocin is also released when mothers nurse their newborns and it helps with father-child bonding too, so it's not just a romantic hormone.

However, some people have negative reactions to oxytocin and that could be why they aren't big cuddlers. Some laboratory studies have given men a dose of oxytocin via a nasal spray and then asked to write about their mothers.

It was suggested that oxytocin is associated with the formation of social memories, so those with good relationships with their mums reacted positively, while those with bad relationships with them saw their mums as less caring.

For others, cuddling does more good than harm, especially for physiological health. It lowers your blood pressure and heart rate, and a 2003 study found that the effects of a brief cuddle in the morning will carry on throughout your entire workday.

Cuddling also acts as a stress-buffer, which enables you to better fight off illness. It was once found that people who receive cuddles experience less severe symptoms when exposed to viruses that cause the common cold.

A cuddle at night before bed will also help you sleep, but only if it's under stress-free conditions.

If your relationship is strained or you are otherwise interpersonally stressed, feeling distant, or uncomfortable, a cuddle will actually make it harder to get any shut-eye.

This is a sex column, so we can't ignore what cuddling does for your sex life. The news is only good. A 2014 Canadian study shows that post-coital cuddling is strongly associated with higher sexual satisfaction, and those good relationship vibes will still stick around with you three months later.

That study found women report more satisfaction with their sex life when they get cuddles after sex, and also that parents report higher benefits from cuddling than people without kids.

What's the most common excuse for not cuddling?

I can tell you what it is for me – it's when I'm too hot. I definitely "run warm" and sometimes touching another person for more than a minute overheats me and I become terribly uncomfortable. Over the years I've found different ways around this, the inspiration for the most successful method actually came from marine animals.

Have you ever seen otters holding hands to stay together in a river? My husband and I hold hands in bed when we're too hot in the same way.

It's most of the benefits of the cuddle without any of the heat. You can also do the interlocking pinky hold, the foot touch, or – if one of you sleeps on your back and the other on their front – my other favourite: the sleepy "bum cupping". If you're not a big cuddler but you want to see if and how oxytocin can benefit you, try one of these and report back to me.