Lee Suckling: What sexual dreams really mean

Are you trying to figure out a part of your own personality in your conscious life? Photo / Getty Images

Unlike other dreams, people are inclined to try and analyse sex dreams. Lee Suckling explains some common themes.

Sex dreams can be arousing, scary, and downright weird. You can have sex dreams about your colleagues, someone you see every day on the bus, a former teacher… the sexual subconscious knows no limits.

Unlike other dreams, which we often brush off as insignificant, most people are inclined to analyse sex dreams. We think they have to have meaning, and figuring them out can stick with you for the entire day (or even longer).

Admitting to a sex dream, furthermore, used to be terribly embarrassing – especially as a woman. A new German study found that women 16 to 30 are reporting three times more sex dreams than they were 50 years ago, potentially showing that women are only now becoming comfortable admitting to them.

Guess what: that same study reveals women have just as many sex dreams as men do. We ALL have them, and they are nothing to be ashamed about.

Between 22 and 25 per cent of dreams are somewhat erotic in nature – far more than dreams about winning the World Cup (sports dreams account for around six per cent of all people's dreams) or Donald Trump's latest tweets (politics only come into four per cent of dreams).

There's no reliable science behind this, but here's what some of the common ones might mean.

Sex without your partner

Perhaps the most popular sex dream of all is sex with somebody who's not your current partner. An ex, a friend, a celebrity, someone you see at the gym… whoever it is, sex dreams about them are normal and okay. If they happen frequently, it might be a sign that you want more sex (or hotter kinds of sex) with your partner and have recently been left wanting.

Dominating someone or being dominated

Even if you're not normally interested in power play during sex, such dynamics can crop up in dreams. Any dreams about dominating somebody else, or being dominated, are related to control. They're probably symbolic of other power-related issues in your life.

Sex with somebody taboo

Ever had a sex dream about somebody who it would never be acceptable to sleep with in real life? Your brother's wife? The old man next door? The receptionist who greets you every morning? While these dreams appear inappropriate, it's just your mind's way of processing a taboo feeling and validating it. It doesn't mean you're actually interested.

Appearance of random acquaintance

Somebody completely random that you hardly know – maybe you bumped into them on the street three weeks ago – will sometimes pop up in sex dreams. This isn't because you want to have sex with them but rather because something about them caught your interest. Whatever it is (their hair? Their attitude?) has stuck in your subconscious since.

Public sex

Dreams about having sex in public don't have to mean you have an exhibitionist hiding inside of you (but maybe you do, in which case, explore that!). Instead, dreams about public sex are probably about you feeling vulnerable, self-conscious, or like you're about to be "found out" in another aspect of your life. If you struggle with imposter syndrome, this one's for you.

Sex with someone from work

You're not secretly attracted to your boss or the person on the other side of your cubicle. Sex with a colleague is extremely normal because these are the people you see the most of in your life. Sex with a subordinate colleague could mean you're feeling good or bad about the work they've been doing for you, and sex with a superior or manager can mean you're seeking validation or some of their control.

Sex with a friend

Don't worry about sex dreams about your platonic friends and people you aren't physically attracted to. They probably mean there is something within their personalities that you wish you had yourself. Think about the traits you associate with that person (are they confident? Wealthy? Lucky?) and ponder if your subconscious is telling you that you'd like to be those things too.

A faceless stranger

Lots of sex dreams are with people who don't have discernible faces. They are just bodies, so you can't pinpoint who they are. It has been suggested by dream experts that sex with a faceless stranger is actually related to a part of yourself you're trying to get to know better. Are you trying to figure out a part of your own personality in your conscious life?

Same-sex sex

Sex with somebody of the same gender (if you're straight) or the opposite gender (if you're not) does not mean you're harbouring a secret about your sexuality. Even if you enjoy it. Dreams are symbolic, not real.

Sex with the gender you're not usually attracted to can mean you're reconsidering notions of gender and power in your normal life, e.g. you're trying to navigate feeling more "masculine" or "feminine" than you think you should be. It could also signal a desire to appreciate your own body in new ways.