Lee Suckling: The truth about 'Hollywood sex'

The default for all people, male and female, should be to assume that any rough play during sex is unwanted. Photo / 123RF

• This article contains sexually explicit content intended for an adult audience.

Hollywood-style sex isn't inevitably good sex, explains Lee Suckling.

The idea of being thrown down on the bed (or a desk, against a wall, or on the floor) is synonymous with passionate sex. Hollywood tells us that the feeling of, "I've got to have you… now!" is something that takes over in the heat of the moment and what ensues is loud, energetic, rough sex that leaves everybody breathless and satisfied.

In real life, sex is normally a lot quieter. Figuratively and literally. People don't really scream with pleasure during orgasm because nobody actually wants to be heard. Nobody pushes everything off a table with dramatic intent because people don't really want to break their possessions.

And a lot of people don't really like being shoved, pulled, held down, or dominated.

This rough sex is prolific in movies – Hollywood and pornographic – novels, and uncensored social networks. If you'd never had sex, you'd be led to believe that this type of rough sex is the ONLY sex.

So what if it's not your thing?

Vanilla sex is underrated. It can be fantastic. Sex can be slow, quiet, respectful, and still extremely hot and passionate. It's not necessarily theatre. These days, even just using the phrase "vanilla" makes this kind of sexual interaction sound boring and thus undesirable. Despite the fact that vanilla – as a flavouring – is actually potent, exotic, and highly desired.

In contrast, Hollywood-style sex isn't inevitably good sex. It can be uncomfortable, even painful. It can be awkward or even demeaning. It's also coded with gendered pressures of masculinity and femininity and gender roles. All in all, it's full of expectations. Sometimes it doesn't play out as the light and easy sexual encounters we see on screen.

However, it can also be healthy and feminist, and there's nothing to be ashamed of (if it's your thing). The problem here is thinking you HAVE to be into it.

Personally, I'm not. I like sex to feel like an equal dance between partners.

I don't enjoy aggression or submission. Sex to me shouldn't be hard and fast. Ideally, it's slow and personal, with both partners adapting to each other's needs like a game of give-and-take. If you feel like this too, you can rejoice, you're not the only one.

When I speak to other men about rough sex, I find that some are concerned about it in our modern age of sexual consent. Many guys are uncomfortable being rough with their female or male partners because it feels like the line between appropriate and consented, and inappropriate and unwanted, is unclear. Better, many men have told me, to play it safe – even when a partner has asked for it.

What this all comes down to is the importance of conversation and aftercare. What constitutes as enjoyable is different for every single person. One should never assume that something they did with another sexual partner, or something they saw in porn or on TV, is what their next partner/s want.

The default for all people, male and female, should be to assume that any rough play during sex is unwanted. Gentle should be expected for and by all. Then, anything beyond that should be specifically and verbally requested.

This way, comfort levels between everyone involved can be safely and comfortably maintained. Likewise, if you have a partner that likes rough sex, but you do not, ensure they respect that. Don't give your consent to have sex with them if you're unsure about how they'll treat you.

There's nothing wrong with rough sex providing both partners have the same idea of what constitutes it, and both are on board. If it's not your thing, that's okay – it's not mine either. Don't let anybody feel like you're being prudish for it.