Lee Suckling: The secret to a positive body image

In order to have a positive body image, you have to fight for it these days. Image / 123rf

I can't name one person I believe, with absolute certainty, has 100 per cent positive body image. It's an impossible task to be completely satisfied with one's physique. Perhaps you love your arms but not your thighs, you wish you were taller, or you'd rather not have such blotchy skin that no products seemingly can help.

The Goop Lab, Gwyneth Paltrow's Netflix series, is a real snooze. There's only one episode worth watching, but it does contain a small nugget of excellent insight. "Why do we feel like we have to earn positive body image?", Gwyneth and her Goop team muse when discussing women's body parts.

Gwyneth and co have a point. Good feelings about your body aren't intrinsic in 2020. We are automatically programmed with negative body image because of our comparisons to the bodies around us, and have to take steps to accept and thus appreciate what we have.

Whether it's reminding yourself that beauty is not skin deep, listing the body parts you like, becoming critical of social media images, or trying to do away with ideals of perfectionism, working towards a positive body image is just that: work. Not only are goal posts always moving, but you basically have to combat with your own mind and convince yourself that you're happy until you actually are. Positive body image, I loathe to say it, can be a "fake it 'til you make it" kind of game.

There are a few factors behind this. Beauty stereotypes are number one. There's high value placed on appearance of masculine and feminine ideals and every day is filled with pressure to conform. Big chests and small waists are favoured for both sexes. So is full, voluptuous hair and smooth, clear skin. This is reinforced by all media (especially advertising), the pretty people you see on the street, the beauty aisle in any supermarket, and every Instagram filter. From the gym to the TV I see stereotypes of male perfection everywhere I look, for example, except for the one place I think really matters: my own body.

Further, we as humans don't possess static emotional stability. The connection we have to our thoughts, feelings, and desires is influenced by big things like our environment, and small things like how much sleep you got last night. We're all subject to mood changes. Maybe you received some criticism at work that struck a nerve, perhaps you feel bloated from a meal, possibly you're feeling the effects of last night's wine ... or you mightn't feel great today for no particular reason.

These mood changes affect the way you think of your whole person. That includes your body. Being 100 per cent happy with the way you look one day is not something you can maintain every day. Each day is different. The next you might only be 60 per cent okay with your body – even if nothing physically changes. It's all mental.

We also give in to emotionally unstable actions as a form of self-masochism. How many times have you been feeling emotionally vulnerable, and for some godforsaken reason decided that was the perfect time to look at your stomach in the mirror? As if you could possible leave the room thinking positively after that. Or how about this one: do you ever feel "fat" and start thinking, "I should really stop eating", but then have two more cookies with a goal of making yourself feel overindulgent and thus worse? As if you've decided to punish your body for not feeling 100 per cent anyway? I know I have.

In order to have a positive body image, you have to fight for it these days. You have to rail against beauty stereotypes, talk yourself into a positive mindset when you're not feeling on top, and exercise restraint time and time again when you really just want to relax. It's bloody exhausting, isn't it? How is it that feeling good about the way you look is such a chore? Is there any way we can actually change this?

I don't have 100 per cent positive body image so I can't tell you, and I can guarantee that every other author of articles claiming "steps towards body positivity" don't have it either. Herein lies the only real way forward – the secret to positive body image. Once thing we can accept, and maintain without constant work or "earning" it, is the fundamental belief that nobody is happy with their body.

Do you hear that? Complete and total body positivity is impossible. No matter what you look like. It's not a realistic expectation, and if you and I can accept that as truth in our individual lives, I think we might be able to put this whole struggle behind us.